I put up a good front: I’m on this great adventure to be more social, to meet people, to go out and express myself, to be brave and bold and daring, and to ultimately, find this world’s definition of True Love.
From the safety of my beloved recliner, I finally signed onto ChristianMingle.com (Thanks, Cris, for catching the previous typos!), and I even made new facebook friends with fans/addicts and the producers of my second favorite tv show, Flashpoint. (Check it out here: Flashpoint Team One.) It’s not me getting out, but it is putting myself out there. And in that, I find success and baby steps.
I’m not really a homebody. I don’t like to have excuses that keep me from being social. I love going out. But let’s be honest: there’s a difference between going out with friends, and getting out. Going out puts me in a safe circle of people. Getting out is a little more than that. It can include strangers. Even as an adult, that’s still kind of a scary word.
And there are days, like today, when I am convinced of my own foolishness and solitude. Days like today when it’s overwhelmingly screaming at me “ALONE! ALONE! ALONE!” And I have no one to blame but myself.
I miss having someone to talk with, someone to comfort me and hold me, and even kiss me. I miss getting dressed up to go out, and being picked up, and not having to worry about the bill. I miss the anticipation of waiting for a phone call, looking forward to his cologne and his smile. I miss having his respect, his attention. I miss being around guys in general.
My life used to be fun.
Not that it’s not fun now. It’s just different. And sometimes it makes me lonely.
So of course on the way home from a great day at work, I opened the moon roof and blasted The Backstreet Boys. But today’s song was not my usual favorite (“As Long As You Love Me”). Today’s song brought me to tears. “I’ll Never Break Your Heart”. I pretty much cried all the way home.
My heart is broken because all it’s ever been is broken. And I just want a chance to love and be loved. So why is it I can bare my soul on a public blog but not in a private relationship? And why is, the kind of guy I want doesn’t want me back?
Is it really so hard to find a guy who’s age appropriate and acts his age (for the most part), is stable in life and finance, likes kids, loves God, and is a genuine good guy? A cross between Indiana Jones and James Bond and George Clooney and Paul Varjak and anyone else who knows how to treat a woman with respect and honor and a sense of humor.
And here’s where I admit that I’m strongly attracted to heros. I love a tall, dark and handsome in uniform. TV crime dramas are my addiction, second only to Starbuck’s. I’m often thisclose to something real that fits the bill. I’m always on the edge of such things; I’m two degrees of separation away from being complete. And while most of the time it’s a grand challenge, something to strive for; today it just sucks big time.
So this is me. Being honest.
And still alone.