Autumn in New York | Frankly, My Dear...

Lately, I’ve been rediscovering lost memories. I’ve been chatting with old friends on Facebook. Looking through old photo albums. Reading old journal entries and blog posts.

I’m not one to reminisce. I’m either in the moment or living for the future. The past is the past. It can’t be changed. And while I have solid childhood memories, I don’t often allow myself the luxury of recalling those favored moments more than once in a great while. This is also because I have a tendency to relive emotions that come with certain memories.

Because of this, I can write amazing character profiles. I associate more than just memories. I associate music and ambiance and flavor and fragrance and sound and texture and feelings. I incorporate entire experiences.

But sometimes, triggers can bring me back to more than I bargained for.

Over ten years ago I was engaged. I shouldn’t have been. But I was a single mom with a young girl. I was lonely, and felt alone. I met a man who showered me with affections. He was not cruel. He was not mean. We just were not a good match. People told us so. We didn’t listen, and after months of dating he proposed. I eventually broke up with him when it was clear we weren’t going to be able to work out some of our more important conflicts. It was the smart thing: to let go. But it was painful. And once again, I felt alone. But more than that: I felt like I deserved to be alone. I’d ignored those who loved me enough to tell me why this wasn’t good. I’d turned my back on the advice of family and friends. I’d asked them to embrace my choice, proclaiming that I knew best.

But I didn’t.

So I deserved to be alone. And hurt.

Or so I thought.

He’d taken me to see the movie “Autumn in New York”. I can’t begin to list the reasons why I love this movie. It’s by no means a classic. It didn’t win any awards. But it had me from the moment the first leaf fell in Central Park to Diana Krall’s “Let’s Fall in Love”. I had the CD soundtrack that I annoyed people with day after day after day. It was, for me, the perfect experience.

And then we broke up. And because I had not just memories but experiences associated with Autumn in New York, I could no longer listen to the music. I never wanted to see the movie. I could never think about someday going to New York.

I just couldn’t.

It pulled at me like sticky spaghetti strings. With any real force, the draw would be broken. I was thankful to live here in the desolate desert where I didn’t have to smell crisp autumn winds or see colored leaves. I could pretend the movie never existed. Because to admit that not only did it exist, but that I liked it, was to admit that I wasn’t perfect. That I longed for something I couldn’t, and shouldn’t, have. It was to admit that I’d failed with my family and friends. And that was the most painful loss of all.

This is the thinking pattern I held to for most major disappointments. I could no longer watch this, hear that, go here, eat there. All because it brought back bad memories. And pain. And shame.

Until eight years later. I just made a decision to change my way of thinking. This part puzzles me, because for all my experience-association, the only thing I remember about this moment is feeling empowered. I’d decided several things in that moment.

I’d decided I wasn’t going to hold on to bad memories. I would recognize them, but no longer let them hold me hostage.

I’d decided I was going to allow myself to remember without experiencing every moment.

I’d decided I wasn’t going to let the memory of a long-ago man dictate how I continued my life without him.

I’d decided it was time to stop avoiding old memories, and instead replace them with new ones.

I’d decided to order the DVD from Amazon.

The next four days were filled with a new excitement for me. It was almost a combination of meeting an old friend and going on a first date. I was finally allowing myself to be me. And to be happy about it.

When the DVD arrived, I wasn’t disappointed. I worried that I’d built it up in my head to be a wonderful theatrical production. It wasn’t. But I already knew that. It was just what I remembered it to be. And it felt good to remember.

Since that moment, I no longer run from my memories. I change them. I don’t let them haunt me and keep me subdued. I make new memories. This is still my town. This is where I live. Work. Love. And have family and the same friends.

I refuse to let an old memory take that from me.

The movie is no longer associated with that man. It’s associated with my love for New York. The restaurant we used to frequent is no longer associated with him. It’s associated with friends and great conversations and possibilities.

Life isn’t something to keep running away from or locked in a closet. It’s something to be treasured, exhibited, and put on display.

Life is something to be proud of. The weaknesses that let others be strong for us. Even the parts that make us stronger for ourselves.

And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!

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Mojo Movie Review of the Week: Breakfast at Tiffany’s

It’s no secret I love the movies “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and “Autumn in New York”. So when my bunco group set the yearly schedule for hosting, I chose October with the dual theme.

My group has twelve players; we each host just once a year. We play for prizes, and contribute to a Loser Basket: each player contributes a minor prize based on that month’s theme and the player with the most losses that night wins.

Hot Dog Bar

For dinner, I decided to serve a Hot Dog Bar, complete with plastic serving baskets and condiment bottles. I offered up Ball Park All Beef franks and Johnsonville Brats.

Condiments Galore!

And since not everyone enjoys eating the same dog, there were plenty of toppings to choose from, so no two dogs would be the same: chili, cheese, saurkraut, ketchup, mustard, BBQ sauce, onion, dill relish, sweet relish, pickle slices, mayo, Miracle Whip… and two kinds of buns.

It was fun to decorate the house in a way that incorporated Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Autumn, and New York City. My spare room has a Woodsy-Park feel to it which made it the natural choice to be themed as Central Park, complete with old speakers playing instrumental hits such as The Golden Strings’ “Autumn Leaves”. I had “Central Park Pralines” fragrance in the air (a great Scentsy product from my friend/consultant Ella!).

The coffee table in the living room became “Times Square” with the lights turned up and the computer music blaring. To the side, my breakfast nook was fashioned after Broadway with another speaker. (I had wanted to place old LP album covers around, but didn’t get to that task).

Autumn in New York

Each table was covered with an autumn-leaf plastic table cloth I found at a local party goods store. The snacks were, of course, Cracker Jacks (remember the scene in Breakfast at Tiffany’s when Paul found the ring in the snack box?). And a little yellow taxi-cab themed pen helped with the score sheets. My daughter designed the score sheets, and we printed them out on blue paper to mimic the beauty of Tiffany’s.

We sat at the tables, enjoying the company and ambiance. This is the one time each month the 12 of us get together. My friend Amber substituted for Julie, who couldn’t make it (her son Ethan was at hockey practice… he’s gonna be a star someday!).

Dinner was a hit! The dogs in their baskets with choice upon choice of condiments and toppings. Autumn Leaves coffee (a light cinnamon-y yet almost earthy taste, quite mild and delicious!); iced tea; and a plethora of sodas. I bought a large box of assorted Frito-Lay chips so the players could have their pick.

The gaming traffic flowed efficiently enough, and soon we were dancing our way from one part of “New York” to another, singing on Broadway, strolling through Central Park, or just taking it all in at Times Square.

At the end of the 24 rounds, everyone had the chance to play with almost everyone… except for Cynthia and Cheryl, who dominated the Lead Table for most of the night. Those who didn’t play together, shouted to each other. It’s the most fun we can have in three hours or less.

When the game was over, everyone congregated in ~~the living room~~Times Square to “shop” at Tiffany’s.

Bunco at Tiffany's

I had selected the prizes, and was thrilled they were accepted with as much excitement as I had when I bought them. My folding table was set up and covered with blue and white napkins. I had the prizes neatly arranged, along with boxes of Cracker Jacks (specially ordered; since most stores only sell the bags now). I also had little treat bags for everyone, since you can’t go to New York and not come home with souvenirs and snacks! The final touch was 12 brand new bottles of NYC nail polish. Each person (winners first) had the chance to pick out their own color and take it home with them.

The prizes included books, calendars, coffee mugs, Audrey Hepburn-styled tote bags, an apple candle, and more. The contributions to the Loser Basket were just as diverse: another book, candle, autumn decor, bracelets… Stacie really loaded up on the “souvenirs” for this month!

Authentic NYC Junior's Cheesecake

And when the “shopping” was done, it was time for dessert. What’s a trip to NYC without a stop at Junior’s for some authentic cheesecake? I’d heard of them for years but never tasted and wasn’t sure what flavor to go with. So when I ordered it (direct from New York, how much more authentic is that?!), I chose the 10-inch Sampler: Chocolate Ganasch, Strawberry Swirl, Chocolate Swirl, and of course, original. Each quarter was easily cut into three or four pieces, and since not everyone had a piece there’s plenty left over. … or at least, there was. My daughter’s a huge fan of cheesecake, so as I write this, I should prob’ly inventory the remains.

When almost everyone had left, Hannah and her two friends Elisa and Baylee had a photo shoot in Times Square. The girls always dress up for the theme of the month, and this was no exception. Stacie and I enjoyed watching them pose and get into the character of Holly Golightly. What a trio of beauty.