May 6, 2012
It’s not really Sunday for me. But it is for you. I’m writing this now because I’m still (will be still) on Retreat.
I’m watching FLASHPOINT episodes on my DVR. It’s so bittersweet. I can directly relate so much of my life before-and-after FLASHPOINT. Before, I wanted to write. I watched TV. I didn’t really talk to strangers online. After, I am a writer. I am committed to my writing. And I’ve made so many friends through FPTO. People I’ve never actually met, but who are nicer to me than some real people I know/knew.
I deleted some friends from my life last week: facebook, twitter, email, and in general. It was an awkward moment when I saw one in public and she asked why. It’s not that I am antisocial again. It’s that I carefully choose who I associate with.
I started actually writing material again. Short stories. So in a month, or hopefully even less, I can start submitting to magazines and contests and see where that takes me.
I’m looking forward to Women’s Retreat. Which, by the time you read this, is where I’ll be.
Next Wednesday, my blog’s “What’s the Word? Wednesday” theme will be all about Mom’s. I’m excited for that, and I really hope to get a great number of links to read Mom Stories from everyone.
Well, now I have to finish cleaning the house and packing for retreat and then I’m off to watch Dot in her high school play. She graduates in four weeks so it’s a whirlwind around here coordinating parties and Grad Nite and events and finals and dentists and visits and everything else… but it’s a good whirlwind.
I love my Daughter. She’s always amazing me. She’s so awesome. Sometimes I take a step back and see her as more of a person than just my daughter, and I’m taken by surprise. If she wasn’t my daughter, I’d want her to be. I really would.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Apr 28, 2012 |
It’s been about two months since I’ve posted any Lessons Learned. You would think in that amount of time I would have amassed a whole lotta learnin’. You would think.
I don’t think I learned a lot, so much as I kept re-learning the same things in different ways.
Although some things are new.
Ready? Here’s what’s been in my brain lately:
1. Black-headed grosbeaks look very similar to Baltimore Orioles.
2. Grosbeaks, among other birds, like to eat dry cereal like Cheerios and Rice Krispies.
3. Writing is something I do best when I do it for myself.
4. Having said that, it’s awful nice when other people appreciate my writing.
5. When I was away in college 20 years ago, my mom sent me a stickee pad with Old Maxine on them. They said, “You didn’t know how you’d get through yesterday, either, but here you are.” That’s been my unconscious motto for a while now.
6. Music is awesome. It’s one of the greatest languages ever written.
7. Family Game Night is the craziest, funnest night of the month!
8. Sweet Broom plants are gorgeous! And attract bees. Bonus!
9. Some people will always be friends. No matter the time, distance, and drama that happens in your individual lives. Some people can be in your life every day and never be a true friend.
10. Cats don’t like thunderstorms. Cats like people who keep them safe from thunderstorms.
11. Hardcover books are better than digital books.
12. But digital books have their perks.
13. Flashpoint is still the best show on TV, and best community on Facebook.
14. CBS was really stupid when they didn’t renew Flashpoint last summer. ION was really smart to pick it up as their first first-run series, meaning they no longer air only reruns.
15. It’s a rule of nature that as my daughter gets older, so do I. Yet while she’s ready to graduate high school, I’m not ready to let her go out into the world. It’s a very scary place out there. And I’m her mommy. I just want to keep her safe and happy. And in my arms.
16. I love cooking. And I’m not too bad at baking. Wilton has the greatest cake molds for such things!
17. If I wasn’t a writer, I’d be a party planner. But I’m a writer. And I like that better.
18. Starbucks is great. Friends who get how important Starbucks is, are priceless.
19. Sometimes the world isn’t fair. And it stinks.
20. Sometimes God isn’t fair. And I’m so very thankful.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Apr 26, 2012 |
I’m not one to publicly complain or let others in on my troubles. I figure the world has enough problems, big and small, and my job is to make the world a better place… even if that means just keeping my mouth shut.
But a few times, I’ve seen this linky badge on Jenn’s blog and I’ve read what other people have to contribute. I admit, I admire having a Sanctuary of Sorts where fellow bloggers can go and expose their real self as opposed to the sometimes somewhat reserved public persona we display in our writings.
Granted, our blogs are mostly authentic. We wouldn’t be successful if they weren’t. But there’s still a part of me, a very private part of me, that I rarely let out.
But it’s been one of those weeks where I’ve avoided my Friends. We all have them: those people who can look us in the eye and we absolutely can’t ignore or lie to when they ask, “How are you doing?”
That’s not the Joey Tribbiani smooth chant, “How you doin’?”
I’m talking about the get-real, get-deep, and get-honest, “How are you doing?”
There’s only so many times I can hide, or recount my woes, without feeling sorry for myself.
And that’s not what I’m trying to do here. I’m not striving for attention. I’m also not trying to put on a brave face and act like everything’s ok. I’m not broken or shaken to my core. I’m just somewhere in between.
That’s it! That’s exactly where I am:
I’m in limbo.
And it sucks.
I know God loves me intimately. He has taken care of my family in ways I can’t even explain. He is faithful in keeping all the promises He has made to and for me.
And I feel really selfish and guilty for putting this out there… but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough.
Sometimes, I want more. Sometimes, I get jealous. And angry. And upset. And I cry. I cry a lot. I wish I wasn’t a crier, but I am. And that, too, sucks. Because it’s utterly embarrassing to be in the store and walk away from something with tears and a tight throat because I have to decide between an extra gallon of milk or a bag of popcorn kernels.
People I know have jobs, have relationships, have dates, have money to do things. Is it too much to ask for some jaw-dropping, never-thought-it-could-happen-to-me joy? What’s wrong with me, that everyone else is getting what I want?! Okay, not everyone-everyone. Just… everyone. At least the majority. Maybe three out of five.
Is it really all that wrong to want to be noticed and appreciated? To be able to do for my family what other Heads of Households get to do for theirs? Is there any time, any time, in the near or even distant future when I can actually have a savings account worth anything?
I’m so tired of planning out every drive around places we have to go; and how to get the most mileage around town. I can’t see you today, because visiting a friend just isn’t on my route. It stinks!
I’m a writer. It’s what I do. But writing doesn’t pay the bills… yet. And I can’t find a day job that will. I’m great in interviews. But the job offers themselves just aren’t around. Because I’m unemployed, people take that to mean I’m unemployable. How is the economy at large, the lack of business income, my fault?! How is the fact that my previous employer didn’t know how to manage the business and balance the books and sign new contracts my fault?!
And why can’t I write for a living?! Why does being a successful, marketable writer mean having a publisher, which you can’t get unless you have an agent, which you can’t get unless you’re marketable, which you can’t be unless you’re already being marketed, which you can’t be unless someone takes a chance, which they won’t because you haven’t proven yourself, which you can’t do because…
Why can’t I catch a break?!
I’m tired of waiting for the rest of the world to know what I’ve already learned! That life is worth taking chances. That life is good. That fundamentally, we’re all going to be okay, even if right now we don’t know what the definition of “okay” is!
And then, of course, I vent and get embarrassed that I even felt this way to begin with. Because ultimately, I am okay. I will continue to be okay.
But now and then, I wonder if God has forgotten about me because I’m not the squeaky wheel. If I throw a tantrum, will He notice and take care of me? If I cry harder, will He comfort me? Why are prayers being answered for other people and not me?
I asked Him that the other day. To which He replied, “You never really asked.” Ouch. Ouch. Ouch! But He’s right. I talk about God an awful lot, and sometimes to Him, but I’ve lost the ability to talk with Him.
I’m a failure. I don’t deserve the things I want. I mean, really. How much effort am I putting into achieving my goals? I thought I was trying, even striving. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.
Maybe I’m just a failure.
But, no. That can’t be it. Because I’ve accomplished some pretty neat things lately like writing, publishing, and selling a Cookbook. I make ends meet each month. Barely, but they do meet.
Gah. I’ve even failed at being a failure.
Oh, God!
So this is me. Confessing that I am guilty of using God as a safety net. Of throwing emotional tantrums like I’m four instead of 44. I tell Him what’s wrong with my life, but I don’t give Him the chance to help me fix anything. I talk to Him, muttering, but lately haven’t gone to Him in prayer. Not real, deep, involved, here’s-what’s-happening prayer. I’ve successfully ignored Him and blamed His absence on everything but my own pushing Him away.
I never thought I would be one of those people! And He means so much more to me than that. I know I mean so much more to Him!
And now I’m really embarrassed. And ashamed.
Oh, GOD!
Never mind, God. I know you’re still in control. Still here with your arms around me. Still here, taking care of me and family in ways I’m not even aware of.
You haven’t forgotten me.
And I’m so sorry I forgot about you. Even just for a little while.
Forgive me, Lord.
Forgive me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,”
declares the Lord.
“Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11, NIV.
I’m gonna be okay, God. I’m gonna be okay, because you’re God, and I’m not. And even if I don’t know what Your definition of “okay” is, I still know I will be. Because You are God.
And I am not.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Mar 14, 2012
The whole day-job-thing-a-ma-jiggy still hasn’t arrived. Gonna have to place a new order at the Employment Store. They’ve messed up on my last two orders, so now I’m more specific with what I want in a job: Great pay, great hours, benefits, drama-free zone, room for advancement. Is that too much to ask? I think not!
But I’ve been learning a lot about finances and frugality during this season. Primarily, my reliance on God hasn’t wavered. In fact, I can honestly say it’s grown stronger. I mean, when I have nothing, who else am I going to depend on but my Head of Household to get things taken care of?
Sure enough, True to form, God has been taking care of us quite nicely. We’re not drowning in riches, we’re not clothed in silky garments. But our needs, and oftentimes our desires, are met. A new DVD now and then. A friend willing to drive to Disneyland. A frozen pizza in the freezer.
But sometimes, I admit, I want more. I just do. I want more. I want security. I want options. I want income. Now. I want more than I have. I need more. I’m worried about next week, next month, the rest of this year. Next year. Retirement. I’m just worried.
And so I pray. A lot. I pray in Thanksgiving that I am healthy and alive. I pray petitions for all of the above and then some. I pray in adoration of God’s love and providence. And I pray again for what I think I need.
It was during this prayer time last week that God reminded me of something huge. I began by praying The Lord’s Prayer. The “Our Father”. I was going through the first part of the Prayer, careful to give thought to each sentence and not just recite it. “Our Father, Who Art in Heaven…” He’s my Father. My Poppa. My Daddy. He loves me with a Father’s love. That’s really comforting. And important. Because Father knows best, right?! So when He talks, I should listen.
I should. …
Back to the Prayer. Each line, each sentence a beginning to my own personal pleadings. And then…
“Give us this day our daily bread…”[Matthew 6:11, NIV]
It’s not “Give us this day our retirement bread” or “Give us this day our yearly bread” or even “Give us tomorrow’s bread.” It’s “Give us this day our daily bread”. Even better, just 14 easy verses later, He urges us to not worry about tomorrow. We already have what we need: Shelter. Clothing. Fellowship. We already have what we need.
Since this revelation, I’ve taken a better look around me, and I see: We already have so much. Furry felines that double as footwarmers. Birds that add music to the air. A loving household. A car that works. The ability to communicate, to touch each other, to share. We have so much already.
I have a roof over my head, gas in the car, food in the freezer and pantry, and the utilities are paid for the month. My daughter and I are alive and healthy. We have decent clothes. Good friends. But I’m not enjoying this security. I’m letting the worries of tomorrow interfere with the joys of today.
I feel really small. Really ungrateful. Really… selfish.
And I see.
He’s already given us this day our daily bread.
And to spare.
When you think about it, we’re all pretty rich, aren’t we?
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
