Nov 13, 2012 |
It’s just after midnight and I can’t sleep. I’m anxious, but I don’t know why. I have a fearful feeling. I think it’s about going to work tomorrow, or rather in eight hours. I’m still financially underwater and praying for a miracle, but I’m not sure what that miracle should be.
I don’t often get anxious any more. Even with the last year and a half of unemployment, I handled it solidly until the last two months when other interferences came in to send us looping.
I feel like a broken record; to admit my faults, my fears so openly; but it’s apparent that my transparency is what readers value. My most popular posts are the ones in which I bear my soul. I just wish I had more to offer than this.
How can I explain that this job I’ve been praying for, this regular paycheck, causes me strife? Why don’t I understand this is a good thing, a long-term thing? When will I know the rug isn’t always pulled out from under me?
I’m anxious to be more financially solvent. To not have to pay one bill this week instead of the other; and to shuffle the paperwork again next week. I’m playing Russian Roulette with my debts and hoping I can find the magic bullet that will take care of them all without making a mess.
It will take a while. A steady paycheck isn’t an instant win lottery ticket.
I know that. I know this job isn’t an instant fix. I also know I feel better just getting out into the world far more often than I used to.
I’ve managed to keep up with my Blog, and scheduled more time for my writing projects instead of being so casual about them. I finished all edits for the Second Edition of THE UNEMPLOYMENT COOKBOOK!
My situation is already improving.
So why do I still feel afraid of the dark unknown?
I’m embarrassed by my anxiety. Does it show lack of Faith? Weakness of character? Does my spilling it all out here make me some sort of narcissist, waiting for others to come my way with their sympathies?
No. I’m human. I’m faulty. But I’m also favored.
I know God loves me. I know at night when I’m awake like this it’s for a reason. Whether it’s to listen to the Bible and learn a new lesson, or to write it out so someone else doesn’t feel so alone in their anxieties.
There is a purpose. To everything.
And in my writing those few words to you, I’m reminded of the Words He wrote for me.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I am comforted. And no longer anxious. How beautiful are such Words that truly sooth my soul. A breath of fresh air, and a cup of tea all in one.
Retreat: Be Still
Thank you, God, for the prayers of others that sustain me, even when I can’t see the foundation. You know, have known, always know everything. And so I step back from the driver’s seat and choose to enjoy the journey. And share it with the Words you give me to read, and write.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
EXODUS: Keep On Keepin’ On
Dear God, Did You Forget About Me?!
What I Learned on Women’s Retreat [The Big Whammy!]
Nov 12, 2012 |
My girl is not a girl. Today she’s an adult. But I still love her as a girl. I mean, who wouldn’t? Look at this face!
Sweet Dreams
I can’t believe it was 18 years ago today that this beautiful bounty came into the world (not before playing Jurassic Park with my tea). And just look how she’s grown up!
Play Ball!
Finding Lizzie
Happiest Place on Earth
Rah! Rah! Sisboombah!
Time Passes
Rock Stars!
Today we celebrated Dot’s birthday. It’s always so wonderful to give back to the person who has given so much to my life.
Gorgeous New Hair
Requisite Starbucks Breakfast
Pumpkin Spice Birthday Cake
I love you, Hannah. Now, forever. You are always my little girl. And I’m so proud of how you’ve grown up.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Nov 12, 2012 |
I have an online friend who suffers from Tourette Syndrome. She’s not shy about sharing her story, but I’m ashamed to admit I often wonder how I will react when the day comes that we meet in person.
I like to think I’m not judgmental or instinctive with my responses. I realize she can’t help the things she sometimes does. When we talk, I feel so much pain for the sorrows and challenges she sometimes endures. But when faced with the thought of being in that moment with her tics, can I be the kind of person she needs me to be? Can I not have that knee-jerk reaction I sometimes have when faced with the unknown, that instant instinct to shush someone else or turn away? Can I not just stand there, not knowing what to do? Can I reach beyond myself to be that compassionate, caring friend; the same as she’s been to me?
Kate is confident. Able. Capable. Accomplished. Her Tourette’s is just a small facet of the wonderful person she is. I don’t want that to define her any more than I want my poverty to define me. It’s just a moment, just a glimpse of the totality of this life.
She often fills her Facebook page with helpful links and wonderful insights. Tourette’s is mistakenly (or often intentionally, carelessly) used as the brunt of Hollywood jokes, a means of excusing bad behavior and foul language in a manner reminiscent of the Three Stooges’ foolery instead of open, honest dialogue.
The truth is, if it’s misunderstood and can get a laugh, that’s what people pay to see. It’s disgusting and disappointing. Society often ridicules what it does not understand, making it all the more difficult to understand it. If it weren’t for Kate, I still would have a minimal perception of her reality. Hers, and the millions more who suffer this syndrome.
Y’all know me and words. I love words. I love their definitions. I love the words behind the words. “Syndrome” simply means a group of symptoms indicative of a particular condition.
But that’s just it. It’s a syndrome. It’s not her. It’s not her life. I’m saddened with the reality that Tourette’s is often the only thing people notice about those who suffer. It’s not just a momentary tic but the overall stigma, the fear and mockery that go with it. To label anyone in totality with just one description is unfair and incomplete.
I’m just as much to blame as other ignorants; I haven’t tried to give much understanding to it before I met Kate. I’m not good at reaching out when I don’t understand something. I assume they don’t want me to learn more; they want me to leave them alone and act like it doesn’t exist. I don’t want to embarrass the other person, and I’m inadequately prepared to offer what they need.
Not Kate. She’s not afraid to say she has Tourette’s, not afraid to share how misperceptions, prejudices, and even bullying are parts of life she’s had to (but shouldn’t have to) deal with. This morning, her Facebook wall had this post:
Tourette Syndrome
Oh, how this reached me, reached into me. Is it my own discomfort that caused me to be one of those insensitive people? Have I unwittingly made fun of someone else, instead of showing them understanding and acceptance? How often have I walked away instead of choosing to stand firm? What kind of example am I setting if I choose to not promote understanding and acceptance, if I choose to not seek it out myself?
What I know about Kate: she makes ornaments. She sells handmade jewelry (I can’t wait to buy this pair of Christmas Earrings). She’s smart. She contributes more to society than a lot of people. She cares. I mean, she fundamentally cares about all of humanity. And through it all, I’ve never heard her complain.
Even though she has a right to. I asked her about this, and she simply said, “It’s hard to complain when there is always someone worse off. I think seeing others in front of me needing help makes me focus on their needs rather than my own…”
Her post made me face my own demons and insensitive behaviors. Whether it’s someone struggling with Tourette’s, anger management, or just a bad day; how often do I think to myself, “There’s something wrong with them” and “Don’t get involved”.
I can be a selfish person. I don’t want to be. I have my beliefs and assumptions and have let them color how I see people. I like to think I’m sympathetic, but I have far to go. Certainly, I’m not a bully. But I see now I’m far less understanding than I could be. I hold no ill-will toward others, but neither do I step out often to help a stranger.
I want to write so much more about society’s misconceptions, but I’ll leave that up to Kate. I’m ashamed of my lack of support toward others. I’m choosing to make a strong effort to look beneath what I see. To get to know the person, not the behavior. No matter who you are: We all have struggles. Some are just more evident.
My motto should no longer be “Live and Let Live” but rather “Do Unto Others”. When I am hurt, confused, struggling, or misunderstood it means more to me than money to have someone come alongside and walk with me, to share my journeys. I want to be that for Kate, and all those I know.
Is it too soon to make a New Year’s Resolution?
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
For more information, read Kate’s latest Blog post: Is Tourette’s Cursed?
This post is also linked up with Shell at Things I Can’t Say for POUR YOUR HEART OUT
