Jan 28, 2013
Dear God,
I owe you an apology. I’ve been working so hard on so many things, and keeping you in my back pocket like a Genie or magic potion. I’ve only pulled you out to yell and ask why things aren’t going my way.
Why is my furnace broken? Why is the Cookbook Project stagnating? Why is Grandpa Jack dead? Why does my family struggle?
Oh, sure. I’ve been praying. A lot. But mostly selfish, “Help Me” prayers.
The truth is, I don’t need your “help”. I don’t want it. To be a Helper means to be an assistant, and I don’t want You to be my assistant. I want You to be my Leader.
I need You to lead me, Lord. To take away these focuses I have on my world, and turn it instead toward Yours. Open my eyes to see Your beauty. Open my hands and heart to help You.
You don’t need me, God. But you chose me. You chose me to speak your Word. To write for you. And I’ve left you out of it lately.
Things aren’t at all easy. They’re not at all the way I would like, the way I plan. But they are the way You set on this Path.
It feels like You turned your back on me. Haven’t I done all You asked with the Cookbook? … but I know the answer is no. I know there is more. I know You are still on the Path, still leading, but my eyes and heart are downcast at my own shadows.
I don’t want to use You for advertising, Lord. I don’t want to use You for my comfort or confidence or as a security blanket. You are my security, but You are so much more.
I tremble still with so much unknown.
But I do know this: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. By You. For You.
And so whatever else happens, I Love You. And I know You love me back.
So lead me, God. Show me how to accomplish what You want me to accomplish.
And please. Take the glory. Even when it’s hard. Even when I want recognition. Even when I want the pat on the back. Even when I question You or want more than You give.
Lead me. Period.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Jan 23, 2013 |
As I start this, I just know it will end up on Shell’s “Pour Your Heart Out” Page. I’m thankful for her keeping that weekly link up open so I can spill my emotional vomit and not be the only one doing it. Misery loves company, right?
Okay, so it’s not all miserable. But it’s a lot of what I can’t, or won’t, normally write. Today’s post is about life. And death. And a few things in between.
The last week has been a mixture of endurance, sorrow, mourning, and sickness. The details don’t really matter. My Blog friend, Jenn, nailed it when she said this is “vague blogging”. Not so much a fan of teasing y’all… but there really are some things I just can’t say. Ever.
Except today I’m sad. I’m just utterly sad and tired and worn out… and, of course, hopeful. Because regardless of how bad things are (and I thought they were bad a month ago… boy was that just a prelude!), nevertheless, I’m still loved. And sheltered. And cared for. And breathing. So it’s okay.
That’s the part I’m choosing to remember. The parts that turn the bad stuff into Something Good. That even my worst is someone else’s best. I’m blessed, I’m rich, I’m healthy. Even when it doesn’t seem like it.
And I could sit here giving myself a Pity Party. I choose not to. That doesn’t mean I’m not tired or worn out or feeling down. It just means I can still smile about it. And if all I know is only that, it’s still enough.
I can’t even say life goes on… for some, it doesn’t.
It’s completely strange yet comforting that most of my tears fell at the end of FLASHPOINT. It wasn’t just the end of this wonderful series that got me. It was the catalyst that allowed me to face the pains inside. It gave me permission to cry. It was a bit confusing… and a bit cathartic.
It was symbolic of so much. The highs and lows of the last week. The beginning of some things… and the end of others.
And then there are the stories I can’t tell, because they’re not mine to tell. The stories that leave a pain in my soul that isn’t easily healed. So I hold on to hope that this, too, shall pass.
Dot is under the weather tonight. I’m hoping she just needs a good night’s sleep. We’ve been house-hopping to Mom’s for a few days because the furnace is out. Again. The fifth time since Christmas. And it’s finally been given its last legs, a new one has been ordered. It was suggested that we get a carbon monoxide detector “just in case”. While it hasn’t sounded an alarm yet, there’s that keyword yet. I’ll be sleeping less peacefully until the new one is installed on Saturday.
We’ve been intermittently staying at home in the cold, staying at mom’s in the warmth, and thankfully, the furnace is working just enough tonight for us to stay home comfortably. I expect it to go out again tomorrow, as that seems to be its pattern. At least the cats are happy to have us home. But the turmoil hasn’t been good for Dot, and now she’s feeling ill. I hope it’s not the flu. She has so much on her plate, that’s the last thing she needs.
And a Momma never stops worrying about her babies, no matter how old they are. My mom and I are evidence enough of that!
I’m waiting to exhale when the Cookbook Project is finished. I don’t understand how I could believe in something so completely and not be successful at it. But that glimmer teases me. It’s not over yet. One more week. I have one more week. And, as the last week has evidenced, anything can happen. Even the unexpected. Be it good or bad. I believe it will be Good. But getting there is terribly stressful.
Mostly, tonight, I can’t shake the feeling of sadness over one small thing:
I never hugged Grandpa Jack.
He’s not my Grandpa. He’s the father-in-law of my dear friend. She’s been a motherly-mentor to me for nearly two decades. We were at their house for Thanksgiving, and the whole family was around. And when it came time to leave, I was selective in my affections. And I awkwardly never hugged him. Because after knowing the man for 18 years, I still didn’t know him. And I was embarrassed by my shyness. So we left. It was the best time we’d ever had together at the Great Turkey Shoot. I told myself I’d hug him at Christmas.
But I didn’t see him again.
And now he’s gone.
I never hugged Grandpa Jack. And that horrible thought haunts me. Because now I never will.
I don’t know what to do with all this pain… except sleep on it and know that tomorrow I’ll wake a bit more refreshed. A bit more warm. A bit more optimistic.
Because Shell let me get it out of my system. Sometimes, all we need is a friend to say, “How are you, really?” and mean it. Even if it’s just on a Blog.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote.
Help me to reach my funding goal before February 1st!
Just click on the photo below and click “BACK THIS PROJECT” to pre-order YOUR copy of The Unemployment Cookbook, Second Edition!
Jan 8, 2013 |
December 14, 2012:
I received an email tonight. The kind that makes your heart flutter and your wings spread. And your stomach churn.
By the time you read this, it will all be over. Or, rather… it will just be beginning.
The local newspaper wants to interview me about my writing. About my Blog, my Business, and my Book. I already texted Megan. What wonderful timing. Just two days ago we agreed we’ve been stagnant too long and it’s time to get back to writing our Series. You long-time readers know what a long, hard year this has been for so many reasons. It’s nice to get back on track. Megan and I seem to do our best writing with a Starbucks or Denny’s in winter.
I’m waiting for the reporter to get back with me. I emailed her back with my work schedule. I contacted a few readers and friends, as the reporter asked for input from others.
And I’m trying to think of something profound to say when she interviews me. Something that will make the newspaper reader pay attention and say, “Wow. This Girl is goin’ places.”
But all I can think of is… it feels like I’m succeeding. And it scares me.
I’m used to not quite making it. I’m used to reaching too high, and falling a little short. I’m used to my little world staying little.
And all the while I cry for broader horizons.
Well. It seems the cosmos is listening to what I’m not saying.
The next morning:
I couldn’t sleep well last night. My mind is filled with so much. I have to clean the house. (So thankful Dot is now on winter break and can help with that!). What recipe can I give the paper to print?
Mostly, I’ve realized this: it’s out of my hands. I’m used to being the writer, not written about. I have no control over what other people say, or what the paper prints. And that jostles me out of my comfortable excitement.
In the past few weeks, my world continues to shift, grow, change. Aside from the writing, life in general is more amazing than it’s been in quite a while. I have a sense of confidence, of fundamental foundation that this is the way things are supposed to be. There’s no question mark in my mind causing me to second-guess my actions or my goals.
It’s hard to not be able to write everything out for the Blog, but some things are better kept for the journal. Still… life is getting pretty exciting right now.
December 25, 2012:
Merry Christmas.
The article was supposed to be printed today. It wasn’t. What a terrible disappointment. I woke up earlier than I usually do on this day and stole away into the dark sunrise looking for copies of the paper.
There were none to be found. Thankfully, it’s delivered with my mother’s regular newspaper subscription. That matters less than the beautiful sunrise I alone experienced. The only one on Main Street, driving east. The clouds building behind the mountains, pushing the cold blue sky into light.
On Christmas Day, all skies should be dark and stormy. And peaceful.
The Reporter tells me the article will be printed next Tuesday instead.
New Year’s Day.
No article.
While I’d love to revel in disappointment, which is not to say I’m not disappointed (I really am!), I’m also filled with a strong sense of this is the way it’s supposed to be. For whatever reason, I need to tell my friends and readers who have been contacted by the Reporter that I can’t express my awe and gratitude at their support and encouragement but their input is still unknown to the World At Large.
For now.
Once again I’m being told the article is being pushed back a week. In the meantime, I’ve been putting great effort into promoting my Kickstarter campaign, working on my Meal Plan for January (I’m so infatuated with WinCo Foods right now!), and talking more with Megan about the next chapter in our series. Dragons are such fun creatures!
Jan. 4, 2013
The furnace and/or thermostat isn’t working again.
Just another notch on the disappointment belt.
The funny thing is, even with all the stress of not being able to make ends meet and now needing at least a new thermostat and more likely, an expensive part for the furnace… I still feel optimistic. I knew for a few months that January would be an extremely difficult month to get through, financially. I didn’t think the cosmos would throw the dice and add more “fun” to the mix. But that’s the way it is… some people, like me, just naturally attract this kind of… roller-coaster.
And I’m okay with it. Because as tough as things have been, and will be, we have always managed to find our way through to the other side. Always. When we feel like Job, we know God hasn’t forgotten us. And someday, soon, His blessings will fall upon us and we’ll be better than before.
So as much as I want to be disappointed with everything… all I am right now, with a broken furnace, is cold.
Jan. 5, 2013
I’m tired. I’m. Just. Tired.
I couldn’t sleep because I kept hearing the furnace turn on. I’m not used to it working so efficiently, and I’m listening for it to malfunction. It hasn’t, of course. But it’s been so cold lately that now my car is having trouble starting… well, if it’s not one thing it’s another.
I used to not be the kind of person who would lose sleep over worries. But this last year has changed me. And with my eczema screaming from my arms, legs, and now my hands, I feel even more like Job with his afflictions.
I’ll be glad when this winter season is over.
January 7, 2013:
Is this The Night Before?
The article is supposed to be printed tomorrow. I think it will be: the editor asked the Reporter to ask me for a photo. Dot and I had a mini photo session this weekend. She’s so gifted with a camera. We have the same camera, and in the same room with the same lighting, her photos always turn out better. I absolutely love counting on her skills for this.
She said she didn’t need to be in the photo with me. I told her she did. It’s so very important that she be in the photo, in the paper with me. She’s my inspiration, the very reason I started cooking better meals for less. She’s my first, loudest, and longest cheerleader. She has to be in the paper with me.
I just got off the phone with Mom. I’ll be heading over to her place early tomorrow. She gets the paper but I don’t. So I’ll stop in early on my way to work and hopefully the article will be there.
Jan. 8th 5:23 a.m.
I always liked Tuesdays best.
I woke up earlier than usual. Before the alarm clock, even. I have no idea if I’m in the paper or not. I think I need this to boost my Kickstarter campaign. I’m just over 30% funded, which means I still have 2/3 of the way to go. And the pre-ordering/fundraising ends February 1.
So I’m a little nervous.
The article’s not online. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But I honestly wonder if it’s in today’s paper. If it’s not, this post gets delayed for yet another week. And the Campaign needs a booster shot through some other media.
If it is… I guess I’d better learn to not be afraid of success. Even in small doses.
To quote one of my favorite movie lines: “Baby steps, Bob. Baby steps.”
Well… I guess it’s time to get up and find out what kind of day it will be.
6:55 a.m.
It’s gonna be a good day.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote.
Dec 28, 2012 |
It’s the last Friday of the month, and the year.
I’ve had my Resolutions in place for over a week now.
A writing schedule. A work schedule. A home schedule.
A food budget. A recipe budget. A home budget. An emergency budget.
I have a plan. I plan… to plan.
Since July, 2011 I sort of flew by the seat of my pants. Until I started working again.
Without child support and only 35 hours a week, my income isn’t that great. But it’s mine. And I’m doing the best I can.
I have never wanted to go on Welfare. I’m frustrated with the stigma that causes. I understand the system isn’t perfect, but nothing ever is. I don’t like the perception that “everyone” on welfare is lazy or taking advantage of others. There is no shame in finding help when it’s vital to existence. But I refuse to burden society with my debts. I’ve always managed to pay my bills… late, past due, those fees add up. But at least I’m the one paying them. And someday soon, it will get better.
We’re going to tighten the belt even more around here. Now that the holiday specials are over, I’m suspending my TV subscription for a few months. That money will go toward paying off the smallest bill in January. So in February, I can take the TV money and the smallest bill money, and put that toward the next smallest bill. After another month, that’s two bills paid off.
If the Fiscal Cliff isn’t as horrid as we’re being scared into thinking, my tax refund should help pay off a few more small debts.
My goal, God willing and the Creek Don’t Rise, is to be nearly debt-free by the end of 2013. The only remaining debts should by my mortgage, car, and student loans.
That’s the plan.
I don’t know how realistic it is. If anything changes, I don’t know how I’ll handle it.
I received four books for Christmas. Dot gave me a wonderful edition of JRR Tolkien’s The Hobbit. It includes maps, has a leather cover, and is pocket size. It’s perfect! The other three are from my brother. Three books on better blogging. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to read! (Another reason the TV won’t be missed.)
I’m making a menu plan for January. That’s a separate post. I was gifted with a $100 gift card for Christmas, and I intend to use it strictly for my food budget. I want to see how long it will last if I plan ahead. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a few snacks. I’m choosing foods that will go a long way: one box of Malt-o-Meal is two weeks’ breakfast for us. My Slow Cooker Ratatouille will feed us for days as a hot dish, pizza topping, and in my Baked Frittata.
I’m going to cut out fast food eating, too. That means no Starbucks in January, and I can’t begin to tell you how I feel about that. I’m only six drinks shy of keeping my Gold Card Status, too. Well, my tastebuds won’t thank me, but my wallet will!
And then there’s the writing. Oh, the writing! Recipes. Dragons. And everything in between. I miss posting daily links at BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo, but I don’t miss my trite, nonsensical postings. With the Cookbook Campaign, the Series with Megan, the Study on the Ten Commandments, and a few other starter projects, my writing plate is overflowing with goodies!
And today is Friday. The last Friday of the month and year. But really… it’s just the Beginning.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Dec 7, 2012 |
When I wrote my first TGIF post, I hadn’t planned on making it a staple of this Blog. But sometimes a person just stumbles upon what works.
That first post was soul-baring. This one, notsomuch. This one, I really am just thankful.
Today I get my second paycheck. I find it ironic that my first post let you in on my life of poverty; and here it is a few weeks later and I’m praising the payday. It’s not a lot. It won’t replace the missing child support. But it’s enough. I’ll make it enough. And that’s all I need.
Sometimes I get frustrated, having just “enough”. Sometimes I’d like to be more than “ok”. But I’ll take what I can get, and give Thanks for it. I’ve been teasing my coworker when he leaves for lunch that he’s not allowed to come back unless he brings the winning Lottery ticket with him. This week, our Boss overheard and asked if it was a big jackpot this week. I laughed and said, “I have absolutely no idea.” We agreed that any extra money is more than what we have now so why not grab it?
Sometimes I feel like I’m back on that Merry-Go-Round. Going nowhere except high and low. Up and down and chasing my tail in circles.
Not this time. This time I’m reaching for the Brass Ring. And you know what? If my little pony can’t get me there, it’s time to change strides. Time to change horses. Time to do whatever it takes to be a winner.
The first step is to acknowledge there are steps. Success isn’t All-or-Nothing. It’s a journey. And it starts here. Now. With me. It starts.
That’s how I feel today. This paycheck is the start of Something Good. The planets seem to be aligning for me and Dot, and it’s been a long time coming. I have a job. My Kickstarter campaign is off to a good start. Oh, and let’s not forget it’s holiday time.
So. In the infamous words of my favorite TV show theme… I’m gonna make it after all.
Mary Tyler Moore Wanna-Be
and My Photo Bombing Dot
Indeed.
I have a lot to be thankful for today.
How ’bout you?
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
TGIF
TGIF, Part II
TGIF, Part III
You’re Gonna Make It After All
