Remember when I went to Blue Ridge and so many crazy awesome writing-editing connection things happened? And how I drank lots of sweet tea?
Sweet Tea at Blue Ridge
And remember how, before I went, I was big on collecting pennies and coins in my jar?
My Penny Jar
And you know how I have a writer’s mind so I link cause-and-effect like other people don’t? Well . . .
Say hello to my new “jar”.
Sweet Savings
Every time I drop a coin or bill into my Sweet Savings bottle, it’s a reminder of what I’m striving for. And the fact that it’s a much bigger container than the little jar is an indicator of just how big my dreams are.
But wait . . . there’s more.
I’d not found pennies on the sidewalk for quite a while. At least a month. And y’all know how I feel about pennies, right? They’re the essential building block for life.
The Penny Parable, available at Amazon
So I’m starting to feel a little let down, you know? A little ignored by God. Oh, stop! You say. Not finding a penny does not equate being abandoned by God. I know that.
Don’t you think I know that?
And yet . . . as I’m sipping my sweet tea, and missing my Blue Ridge peeps, and wondering why I’m not finding pennies, God creeps into my psyche. You know how He does. That still, small voice that hijacks your thought process and turns you on your heels because you secretly asked Him to even though you’re not sure want to admit it.
So the prayer-conversation went something like this:
ME: Go away.
GOD: Is that really what you want?
ME: Yes. Maybe. No. I don’t know. I’m mad at you. Go away so it’s easier for me to be mad at you.
GOD: Why are you mad at me?
ME: Because I miss my people. And I have unfulfilled dreams. And you haven’t given me teddy bears or pennies for a really long time. I miss that.
GOD: You know why I used to give you teddy bears and pennies?
ME: Because you loved me. And you know I collect teddy bears and pennies. They used to call me the ‘Teddy Bear Rescue Mission’ because I’d find so many abandoned teddy bears on the roadside. I’d take them home and fix them up. And I still have them. And the pennies state right there ‘In God We Trust’. And when I needed to remember to trust You, You’d give me a penny. Or more. And You haven’t lately. Nothing. At all.
GOD: I don’t give you pennies as often because you already know to trust me. You still trust me. You don’t need the reminder.
ME: I know. But it’s still nice to be told You’re thinking of me.
GOD: I’m always thinking of you. And I don’t give you teddy bears any more because you don’t need them. The bears I used to give you were for comfort and security. You’re growing up nicely and don’t need that any more.
ME: I know, but . . .
GOD: But you still want them. I understand. And when you appreciate those gifts as gifts I’ll let you find them again. But right now, you want them for the wrong reasons. Right now, you want them so you don’t feel alone.
ME: Yes.
GOD: But you’re not alone. And you know that.
ME: Yes.
GOD: I have something better for you to collect: People.
ME: People?
GOD: People. Every person you know is worth treasuring. Some are more valuable than others, and some are older than others. But every one is a treasure.
ME: I’m a people-collector?
GOD: Yes.
ME: So you’re telling me I don’t need pennies or teddy bears, but I do need people. And these coins are symbolic of the people in my life. Past, present, and future. The people I interact with are important. They are my fun, my security, my soft hugs, my reprimands, my world.
GOD: Yes.
ME: You know, when you put it that way, my treasures far outweigh what’s contained in this bottle. There’s family, writers, church, the day job, Facebook peeps, supporters.
GOD: I know.
[Insert seriously long pause as I contemplate the need to recognize the value in others, and the necessity of showing others how valuable they are to me.]
ME: Hey, God?
GOD: Yes, Child?
ME: Will you be my first penny?
GOD: I thought you’d never ask.
For Nathan and Pam and Naomi and Lori and Cindy and all my Marys and Beckies and everyone I’ve been talking to. I hope you know how each of you has helped me. I hope I’ve been able to return that help.
God – December 8, 2014
A few days ago, I posted a lengthy status on my personal Facebook page. Since then, people have commented, sent messages, and shared.
It’s no secret where I stand in my faith. I’m not a Bible thumper. I’m not perfect. In fact, I revel in my imperfectness. I’m just glad there’s a God who loves me the way I am, and who continues to help me be a better person for the world around me.
“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
~2 Corinthians 12:7b-9, NIV
Let’s face it. Life is hard. It’s hard when you know God. It’s hard when you don’t know God. This post isn’t about God. It’s about Christians and the disservice we do to one another in our own community by expecting only the Pretties to be seen, by submerging the imperfections, the thorns, the scars.
If we as Christians portray only a perfect example of God, how can draw people closer to Him? If we tell seekers “It’s okay that you’re broken” then why do we expect completeness of ourselves?
The Christian Community can send out false messages. Not intentionally, mind you. I believe our desire is to attract others to Christ, and we feel we can’t do that if we’re shattered or chipped.
I disagree.
We are all damaged. One way or another, we are all broken.
I’m okay with that.
“Stop forcing a catastrophe where there’s not even a storm.”
Because God is the True Healer. He can, has, and will continue to heal my brokenness whether it is caused by others or myself. Whether my brokenness is physical, spiritual, emotional, mental, financial, or any-other-al, He continues to seek me out and heal me.
The healing may not come in the way I want, or as fast as I think I need. But His timing is perfect. And I’m okay with waiting on Him.
Cuz Father knows best.
The following is the Facebook post from a few days ago. I hope it starts a dialogue of honesty and openness. I hope everyone has a friend who accepts them unconditionally. And if you want to know more about my God, I hope you ask.
Please read, comment, share. And watch the video at the end.
Life is hard. But God is always good.
I promise.
You Matter.
~#~
June 7, 2015
So an interesting thing happened. Late last night I posted a status (now removed) of how it’s okay that I’m angry with God. I received some comments and messages that others are praying for me, that others understand, and a few that cautioned me about being so public about it.
Here’s the thing, and I’m not upset, just puzzled . . . but here’s the thing.
Not one person asked WHY. Not one person asked, “How can I help?”
And it saddens me. Not because I need attention (although we all do, right?). Not because I feel alone (I mostly don’t). But because the impression or attitude seems to imply that as a Christian I’m not allowed to have bad days, that I should share only joy and keep the rest to myself.
And it makes me wonder, if the people I know are Christian (myself included), if we are sending out these vibes that it’s not okay to be NOT okay, how are we being authentic? How are we letting others know we’re there for them?
Do we as Christians stifle the outreach and community of those who need us? Is it possible by saying “This isn’t the time or place” that what they hear is “You’re not worth my time or energy”?
I have a lot going on. So do you. So does everyone. I don’t air my “dirty laundry” for everyone. In fact, there is not one single person who knows everything. There are some who know most, some who get headlines without details, and some who get only one story or prayer request instead of the whole basket.
I’m not advocating spilling your entire life on Facebook or other public forum. I’m not agreeing with those people who are “virtue suckers” and complain just to get attention.
But do the people who need us know we’re here for them? Do they really know?
Or have we made it too hard for them to reach out? Have we made them fearful that we won’t reach back?
Or worse, do we assume because we already know them that we know what the current moment is about? Do we pray for them, consider them, reach out to them based on past experiences?
Or do we say “I’m still praying . . .” for whatever issue WE think needs prayer.
When was the last time you came up to a friend and said, “Tell me what’s really going on.”? And didn’t fill your head with presumptions of who you think they are and what you think they’re going through?
So many of us are really going through our own hell on earth, yet we’re expected to live daily as if we’re not. So many of us are so skewed by our own hells that we can’t see someone else’s is different. We can’t see that we’re sometimes hurting instead of helping.
So I apologize, here, publicly, to all my family and friends. I’m sorry that I’ve not reached out to see where you’re at or how I can help you. I’m sorry that I put myself first — my own thoughts and ideas of how life should be, of how you’re doing it wrong, of how you’re not there for me. I’m sorry for not being there for you in the capacity I should be.
I’m sorry.
But hear this: You’re important to me. In many different ways.
Our lives are silk webs that criss-cross and intertwine and pull others into and out of the design and I want to strengthen your thread.
I want to be here for you.
I’ve ignored you, I’m sorry. I’ve made you feel less important, I’m sorry. I’ve made my own hells more important than yours, and that is farce. Everyone’s hell is important. Everyone needs a helping hand to get out and rise above the crud that tries to buries us.
This is me. Being as authentic as I’m allowed to be.
I let you down, and I’m sorry.
I’m here for you now. All of you.
All I’m asking is that you be here for me, too.
And the rest of your people.
Make sure they know.
Children have selective hearing that picks up words like “ice cream” and ignores others like “chores”. When a friend asks, “How are you?”, they’re already hoping you’re going to ask them the same question. Our lifestyles are wired to be self-fulfilling, and serving others is a secondary agenda.
But what if what you have to say is important? So important, it could be a life changer? And what do you do if your audience refuses to listen?
Is Thing Thing On?
In the last few years, I’ve changed jobs, quit a relationship, and forayed into more writing, media, and public speaking.
With each new experience, I’ve tried to still the waters behind me. I had a burning desire to explain myself, to be heard.
It’s not you, it’s me.
But the truth is, it was them, too. And I don’t owe them an explanation.
I was called to move on, not to stand still.
I’m not advocating telling your boss off or always needing to be the center of attention. But you have a message to say, and if others aren’t listening or respecting you, it’s okay to move on and find your audience.
Is there anyone out there?
In fact, God instructs us to leave the past in the past.
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.” ~Matthew 10:14, NIV
When God says “GO”, are you going? Or are you slowly dragging your feet, hoping He meant “later”? Hoping He meant “together”?
We all need to support our families. We all have a need to be loved. We all need to be heard.
It’s hard to make changes and keep going. It can be super scary to climb those steps when you don’t know what’s at the top.
Those Daunting Steps
But there are some situations when we need to take that leap of faith and trust that God knows more about our path than we do.
Stopping in hope someone else understands, trying to reason with people who choose not to hear, is telling God that while He may have a decent plan, it just doesn’t work.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to ever be the one to tell God His plan won’t work.
Think on this: If you’re sharing your message but not being heard, it’s not you, it’s them.
Here’s another: If you’re compromising your message to stay where you’re at, it’s not them, it’s you.
Are you listening? Don’t drag them with you. Leave the unlisteners where they are. It’s okay to move on without them. God will lead you to where He needs you to be.
It’s hard, to be sure. Especially if you’re a people-person.
But it’s the right thing to do.
Your audience is everyone you come into contact with. Not just daily, but even those once-in-a-while folks you might not otherwise think of.
Coworkers
Friends
Neighbors
People at church and community functions
When you run errands to the store or gas station
Strangers on the phone or in the next car
Are you sharing your message? Are you actively seeking out your audience? If you’re doing your part but those doors keep closing on you, it’s time to find a new audience.
Do whatever it takes to live the message God has called you to live and to take care of the family He’s given you.
Pray for divine appointments
for Him to bring people you can encourage,
and for those who can encourage you.
A Pastor at my church used to tell everyone, “We’re all in this together.” And he was right. This life isn’t just about me, or you, or us, or them. It’s about us all.
We’re all in this together – Are you doing your share?
And it’s okay to venture out into the big, scary world when God tells you. Just don’t look back. Shake off the unbelievers and follow Him around the bend. You may not know what’s ahead, but He does. And He’s really glad you’re coming with Him.
Remember this: God never calls the equipped. He equips the called.
If He’s asking you to say-do-share something,
He’s going to give you the means to do it.
Jeremiah 29:11 When God Is In Your Corner, It’s Not A Punishment
Since coming back from Blue Ridge, I’ve thrown myself into the promise that God not only knows what He’s doing, but that He really, truly wants the best for me.
You’ve read often of how Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse; what it means to me, and how I try to apply it to my daily life.
We don’t have to turn away from what God has for us. Too often, I find myself disbelieving that I’m worthy of all the greatness He wants to bestow on me. That’s farce! That’s a trick of the enemy to get inside my head and rob me of the good things God has planned.
This weekend, I’m offering this short and easy to read booklet for free. Just click on the photo or the link above to get your own copy. I pray that it blesses you as much as it continues to bless me.
I’m just sitting here and this sudden, invasive thought came to me:
The Complicated and I looked so good together on paper. He was everything I thought I wanted, except for one big “check” on “the list”.
But once I got to the depths of who we were together, for each other, I knew it wouldn’t work and I broke it off. I know I broke his heart and for that I’m sorry. But I also know staying with him would have destroyed me completely. I know he now hates me and thinks I led him on or used him.
But I also know that being single, and alone, and being the Right Person for ME, is better than being the Wrong Person for someone else. He may hate me now, but I would have hated me then.
And a tag-along thought is, I don’t. I don’t hate him. And I don’t hate me. In fact, I’m darn well pleased with who I’ve become. And how I didn’t compromise myself out of loneliness.
Last summer taught me a lot about just being. Yes, I still have moments that I wish I had someone to really talk to. Someone to hold me after a long day. Someone to appreciate my successes with me. Someone to call and say, “Let’s hang out” or “Let’s watch a movie” or just “Come over and have coffee”. I want someone to go on dates with, a reason to get dressed up and keep the house clean and wash the car and have a drink with and cook for and just anticipate his smile and his voice.
I spent six months on eHarmony after The Complicated, and all I learned is to NOT make a detailed list of expectations of who he should be.
Those things I thought I wanted in a man? The Complicated was most of them. And it didn’t work out. eHarmony “matched” me with guys who “fit the bill”. And they didn’t work out.
So I’m done with the list of expectations. You know what? I’m just going to enjoy life each day at a time.
I have discovered, that I am loved by a treasure trove of people. I just had to open myself up to them. My loneliness didn’t stem from not being in a relationship. It stemmed from me keeping myself hidden from the world.
I believe, as hard as it was to say “no” to The Complicated, that it was the best thing to do. So I could rediscover myself, and find out not what I want in a relationship, but what I have to offer the world at large.
I do still want to share my life with that one person I can trust with absolutely everything. But until he comes along (and I have faith he will!), I’m no longer keeping a list. And I’m no longer keeping myself hidden.
Years ago, I woke with this sort of mantra running through my head. I’d forgotten it, forgotten to pay attention to it.
“I am worthy
Of being loved
By the One
Who is worthy
Of being loved
By me.”
I don’t know what brings it to mind now.
I was just sitting at the computer playing Trivia Crack and this entire episode hit me like a refreshing, warm wave on the beach in summer.
Time to dip my toes in a little deeper, and trust that I know how to swim.
Funny the things you realize in a moment. . .
Don’t Leave. Period. My mantra to myself. No matter who else is involved, I mustn’t lose myself.
