Dec 19, 2014 |
Merry Christmas! How exciting that it’s less than a week away.
Are you ready? I’m so ready, I’m getting ready for next year already! Okay, not really. But almost really. I’ve definitely got plans. I may even venture into the world of day-after-Christmas shopping to find some amazing pack-it-away-for-eleven-months deals.
But that’s next year, and that’s a little ahead of the game.
This year, I have a few more gifts to give . . . to you!
The Unemployment Cookbook, Second Edition
On Sunday, December 21, the Kindle edition of The Unemployment Cookbook will be available for just 99 cents – that’s well over $2.00 savings!
And on December 24 and 25, both The Penny Parable and A Study on the Ten Commandments will be available to download for free.
So if you’re gifting a Kindle to someone, or looking to add to your own, please enjoy these books, from me to you.
Merry Christmas from Bedford Manor
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Meeting Charles Dickens
Bedford Manor on a Budget: People Feeder
BETTER: Thanksgiving
My Amazon Author’s Page
Oct 8, 2014 |
What’s the Word?
Wednesday
Note: I’ve known Lily (not her real name) for nearly fifteen years. When she reached out to me this morning, I asked if she’d be comfortable sharing her thoughts on the blog. The subject matter of this post is controversial, but what she has to say is important. Please be respectful with your comments.
Why Lily Couldn’t Sleep Last Night
Before I went to bed last night I took a last-minute glance at online news. I saw a headline that wouldn’t normally get my attention, but this one did. So I clicked into the story.
I can’t express how I wish I take it back. How I wish I didn’t know what today I know. How I don’t want this to be true, not any of it. And how many, many memories and emotions it brings back.
There it was, with photos, social media, articles, everything screaming at me that someone had done something terrible to someone else. Stephen Collins, the actor who for eleven years played someone I often wished was my own dad (the Pastor on 7th Heaven), purportedly admits to molesting three young girls.
But is it really that simple? I laid awake most of the night, fighting confusion and feelings I’d not felt since I was their age. I wanted answers and so I kept researching. That’s what I told my husband, Michael. Don’t worry. I’m not going back to that place. I’m looking for more information. Because information is how I fight the enemy. Finding it, sharing it, and speaking it.
But the more information I found, the more restless I became.
Here’s the information (and questions) I have:
His wife secretly taped a counseling session. He admitted to the offenses, noting they took place nearly forty years ago! The audio tape, originally provided to police, was somehow leaked to the public. No charges have been filed. No victims have been located. There is one woman who started the revelation but as I understand it, she waited nearly forty years to come forward, after having seen him on television.
Here are the problems I have with all of this. As you’ve no doubt guessed, I was molested when I was young. My husband and I have chosen to not discuss this with our kids, or other family. I don’t keep it locked inside. It’s just that we don’t talk about it with others.
The media loves to do two things: First, it keeps the victim as the victim. Second, it completely demonizes the perpetrator. How many of you when reading stories like this think, “Oh, that poor girl.” “Damaged goods.” “How did she ever get out of it?”
I got out of it because I fought to do so, and I fought hard. I chose to not stay a victim. I chose to be stronger. There are times when it hits me. Times when my husband can’t do anything but sit next to me and explain to our kids why mommy’s having a bad day. Times when I need to be alone for a few hours or just take a drive, but I always come home to the life I built after.
Throughout last night, searching news articles and twitter feeds, and (thankfully) finding that the older the story got the less traction it had on front pages, I was glad I wasn’t alone. Mike was nearby, as always, letting me work it out for myself. He doesn’t act like I’m something fragile or about to break. From the day I first told him (and what a day that was!), he’s been by my side. Not pushing, not pulling, but just being with me. Sure there’s times he has to reign me in but every relationship has those moments, don’t they?
The thing is, I’m not a victim. And the news is treating this woman as though she is still a victim. I’m not saying what happened to her as a child isn’t terrible, monstrous even. But stop saying he ruined her life. He didn’t ruin her life. Certainly, she has had some terrible circumstances to overcome. Of course it’s not been easy or light. But, she’s still alive. And married. So in some aspects she’s been able to move on. Will the media let her continue to do so, or will she now be a perpetual news-made victim? Will she ever really be able to put this behind her, if she’s known as his victim?
I just don’t want this to be true. This man who showed on TV everything that I thought a real loving dad should be. The show I escaped to because it was honest. I don’t want my memories of family time with our young kids watching reruns to know be tainted with the idea of lies.
Two networks have immediately stopped showing 7th Heaven reruns. But the bigger networks still showed NFL during the Ray Rice controversy, and that’s a current event, not something that happened a lifetime ago. He received a two-game suspension at first. It wasn’t until public outcry grew so loud that the Commissioner took another look and handed down a bigger punishment. Isn’t that hypocritical?
I think the world needs more TV shows like 7th Heaven, if for nothing else then to show what good family life can be. If we follow the lead of these networks, then shouldn’t sponsors stop supporting Miley Cyrus? Tony Stewart? Reality shows that encourage sabotage and underhanded behaviors?
I’m not shy to admit I’m going to keep watching my 7th Heaven DVDs. In fact, I feel the need to watch them now more than ever. The actor may have been despicable but the show is a good show.
Deep breath. I am not a victim. I am no longer a victim. I am so many things, and at times I still feel the scars. I feel them more than I want. But my life is good. I refuse to let society shake their pitying heads and call me a victim.
I am not a victim!
Now here’s the other thing. And I know a lot of people don’t agree with me. I’m not saying this about every child molester. But in this case, in the information I’ve been able to find out, these things happened nearly forty years ago! Since then, Stephen Collins has gone on to do good things. Is that a mask? Is he a predator? Maybe.
But I can’t get my head around the idea that my beloved TV Pastor is a monster. Bear with me for a minute while I explain this. And please don’t call me ignorant. Mike was worried when I told him I wanted to talk about this, but I really think it’s worth considering: It’s said that people can’t change, especially criminals. But if there’s been no new evidence (and wouldn’t women be coming out of the woodwork in droves now that the story’s been out for two days?), is it at all possible that he knows what kind of tormentor he is, and has tried very hard to not be that person? Is it possible that the goodness he projected for eleven years as a Pastor and dad on one of the best-loved TV shows in the last two decades, isn’t it possible that was his penance? Maybe projecting God to the rest of us was his way of trying to make amends?
There are days when I want to beat the shit out of Mike just because I’m angry and he’s a man. Do those thoughts make me guilty of domestic violence? If I scream, “I hate you!” am I guilty of a hate crime?
I get it. Pedophilia is not in the same market as losing my temper. And there are many, many monsters that need to be locked up. I’m saying the evidence on this situation is complicated.
Maybe I’m just not seeing it. I don’t think I have blinders on. Believe me. I went through therapy. Counseling. Sleeping pills. Before Mike, there were some . . . unhealthy relationships. Until there came that time when I didn’t want to be ME: The Victim any more. And I started to talk to people. And listen. And forgive. And be accountable.
That’s right. I had to be accountable. What happened to me when I was young was wrong. It was terrible and it really messed me up for a while. But what I did after that, in high school, in college, after college . . . those were my choices. Those were my decisions to stay victimized.
I don’t think the media constantly reminding me that my life is tragic helps. So I choose to not believe them. And I choose to not believe that every good thing that Stephen Collins ever did is washed away. There are no 100% bad people on earth, just as there are no 100% good people on earth.
I would like to have room to continue to grow and get better. But if you say he can never change, you’re also saying I can never change. Which means I’ll always be a victim in your eyes, and nothing else. You’ll always be just a little nicer when you smile, or you’ll always be just a little more understanding of my bad days. You’ll always be just a little more complete than you’ll ever let me be.
I say no.
I am not only a victim. And he is not only a perpetrator.
So it’s with a deep breath, and a desire for peaceful sleep with my husband tonight, that I say to Stephen Collins,
I forgive you.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
Aug 8, 2014 |
Five Things Friday at Frankly, My Dear…
The calendar tells me it’s been nearly two months since I last blogged.
Inconceivable!
Without going into dramatic detail, suffice to say life with all its twists and turns has been a great distraction from blogging. It’s been full of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. And we’re all learning to exchange beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3).
The calendar also tells me the year is about two-thirds behind us. Now that’s crazy! I look back on my resolutions and I’m so happy I had just one.
BETTER! 2014
I’m proud to say I’ve continued to do what I can to make life Better for those around me, and yes, for myself. I’m not proud to say I’ve put blogging on one of the back burners. It’s one of those things that I have great aspirations for, yet lately seem to not have time. So today, I’m taking time. I’m making time. I’m blogging. And I feel better because of it.
This week’s Five Things Friday theme is Start/Stop. It’s about those things in life that we either need to step up to, or let go of, or find a happy medium to make them better.
Here’s my Five.
1. NOLA. Is that really such a surprise? I hit a very tall Writer’s Block wall over two weeks ago. Thankfully, my writing mentor, Aaron Gansky, talked me through it. Based on feedback from Aaron, The Wordsmiths (the critique group I belong to), and several other beta readers, I’m going back to the beginning. Just the beginning. The plot itself will remain nearly the same, with just a few more twists and turns than I originally mentioned. But I need a better diving board, so I’m rewriting what I have and moving on from there. [Thank you, Aaron, for pointing out that my murder mystery novel has yet to include a murder.]
The Wordsmiths Critique Group
2. My budget. I had a long talk with God about my finances and to be honest, I didn’t like what He had to say. Because He said “Trust me.” It’s scary to trust a God I can’t physically see, for money that I physically need. I’m learning to be still, to not force anything, and to communicate. I stopped going from paycheck to paycheck, and started to really use my Mead OrganizeHer Expense Tracker. No, I’m not trying to be a commercial for them. But if you were to ask me a year ago how I keep track, I wouldn’t have a clue. Now, as soon as a bill comes in, I put it in the Bills pocket. Each month has an expense list, suggestions, and blanks for me to include my own. I’m learning to call my creditors before the due date if I can’t make the full payment. And you know what? They work with me. I’m no longer afraid of my finances. And that’s a good start. I’m still praying for a way to cut down my Sycamore tree, as it’s leaching into my watering system and I found out I’m highly allergic to it. And Beckie and I are hoping to attend next year’s Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writer’s Conference in May. There’s a huge correlation between my prayer life and peace about my finances.
3. Who’s Beckie? She’s the Newest member of The New Inklings, the writer’s group I formed around my company, New Inklings Press. Beckie and I know each other nine ways ’til Sunday and are just now realizing how many connections we have. I met her over a year ago while promoting The Unemployment Cookbook, and she recently reached out to me for a writer’s get-together. She’s been published in magazines, completed the Institute of Children’s Literature (ICL), and inspires me to keep going when I want to quit. Because of her, I’m going to start the next lessons at ICL and finally complete the course I signed up and paid for so long ago.
4. Complicated. In May/June, I was thrilled to have met up with an old friend and we had the idea to pursue a relationship. The relationship aspect didn’t work out, but I learned a valuable lesson through it: Don’t Leave. Period. While our romantic intentions didn’t flourish, I learned better communication skills. I prefer writing, of course. He prefers speaking. Long texts and longer phone calls were the norm between us. And no matter that any long-term romance was never a really good idea between us, the friendship has remained. As has my determination to not walk away from the fundamentally most important parts of life. He and I haven’t left each other, we just left behind an improbable romance. And I’m okay with that. Because, fundamentally, he’s still here for me. And I’m still here for him. No matter what.
Don’t Leave. Period.
5. Social. At the beginning of this post, I alluded to some, shall we say, challenges in the past few months that have sapped my attentions and my strengths. Because of this, I’ve had to evaluate my social calendar and make some changes. I momentarily stepped down as Social Media Manager (SMM) for my writer’s club. Aaron hired me as his SMM for a reciprocal mentoring agreement. I’ve taken as much off my plate as I can, and I’m still paring down. I’m learning to fit dinner and socializing into the same event. I’m learning to say “no” instead of “let me try”. I’m learning to rest. I’m learning what and who the important socials are. And I’m learning to let go. It’s not my favorite thing. But it’s important.
5b. [BONUS] Social. Aaron is teaching me how to nerd it by playing Magic: The Gathering. Stay tuned for his guest post on the subject. I enjoy the complexity of strategy, the lottery-feel of opening a new pack to search for random “rares”, and that while he’s always winning at Magic, he’s also mentoring me on my writing. It’s a win-win-win situation, in my book.
5c. [DOUBLE BONUS]. Social/book. If any of you bloggers reading this are interested, Aaron is giving away five free copies of his newest book, THE BARGAIN, (either digital or audio) in exchange for a thorough/heartfelt review on your blog. Just leave a comment below and we’ll be in touch with further details.
The Bargain by Aaron D. Gansky
Well, now that I’ve started blogging again, it’s time to stop this post. It’s your turn to comment, like, link up, and otherwise share what your FIVE THINGS FRIDAY: Start/Stop items are.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
MoJo Book Review and Giveaway: The Bargain by Aaron D. Gansky
It’s Complicated, Part One: My Relationship
FIVE THINGS FRIDAY: The Experience.
2014: BETTER.
Doing the Write Thing: Writing Conferences Fundraiser
May 18, 2014 |
A few days ago someone mentioned to me how someone else had hurt her. “Can you believe she says she’s a Christian?!” She said the word like it was sewage.
I immediately asked if she thinks being a Christian means being perfect? Let me tell you, right here, right now: It. Does. Not.
Standing up for Christianity is a complicated matter. I have seen how churches alienate people. I understand the hurt when a Christian points fingers or falls short of that goal line. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I’ve been both on the receiving and the giving end of this dynamic.
I recently had a very heart-to-heart with someone who doesn’t see God the way I do. Someone who isn’t sure that God can be that personal. Someone who is okay getting through life without a personal relationship with God. Someone who has been alienated by others claiming to be Godly.
So, do I alienate this person, just because their belief doesn’t match up with mine?
I don’t have the words to express how hurtful it is to see people judge Christians based solely on the fact that we say, “I love God.” Are there Christians out there who aren’t perfect? Always.
So here’s my soapbox. I’m just gonna type this out and hope it makes sense to everyone who reads it. Ready?
My Christianity isn’t about saying I’m better. It isn’t about me being perfect, because I’m not. Because I never will be. I fall short every.stinking.day and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I don’t wallow in self-pity, I don’t proclaim my failings from the highest hilltop just to manipulate others into telling me I’m not that bad. Nor do I tell others they’re not that good.
We are all people. We are designed to love and care for one another, and to bring each other closer to goodness. Let’s be real for a minute. Which feels better: being selfish or selfless? Of course it’s nice to have attention drawn to ourselves. I’m crazy about getting the “Thinking of you” texts or the “How are you?” phone calls. But there’s something so fulfilling about truly helping someone else out.
I’m not talking about those people my Pam-Mom refers to as “virtue suckers”. Those are the ones who are always asking for help when what they really only want is attention. The ones who complain without trying to make things better.
I’m talking about really helping people who want it. I don’t want my people to feel obligated to sit by me at church or call me at night. I want them there because they want to be there. I want my people to let me feed them, hug them, help them. I want them to see God in everything I say and do. And when I fail, because I have, I do, I will, fail . . . I want them to forgive me and not judge me.
I could never tell someone their life stinks because they don’t have God. Heck, my life stinks sometimes and I do have God! Who am I to judge what’s in a person’s heart?
There are people who God will warn me to stay away from. But those are few and far between. Christ ate with sinners, prostitutes and tax collectors. If I’m to be Christ-like, who am I to say I’m not the sinner?
And it really hurts me when people assume that just because I’m Christian, I’m supposed to be without faults. It burdens me to hear someone call out a Christian just because he or she lost their temper or had a bad day.
It bothers me when my Christian friends try to proselytize my people, without knowing my people. I don’t live in a bubble. I know others are as imperfect as I am. I’m okay with that because I believe we’re all called to love one another, not judge each other. It’s a two-way street. If I stop talking to BB because he believes in Buddha, what kind of Christian does that make me? If I say I’m not perfect but I expect you to be, what kind of friend does that make me? If I see someone in pain and say “You brought this on yourself!” instead of “How can I help?”, what kind of human does that make me? Not a good one.
I’m currently in a relationship with a guy who isn’t sure where he stands with God. And I’m okay with that. Why? Because he (My Complicated) is open to me praying for and about us. About our relationship, about him, about any- and everything I feel led to pray about. Do I wish he could come to church with me each week? Absolutely. Am I going to stop seeing him because he can’t? Not yet. Do I feel a bit oxymoronic for falling for a guy like him? Not at all. Because he’s a really great guy. And because God is calling him. He just doesn’t know it yet.
We have one commitment between us. Don’t Leave. Period. It’s that simple. If we disagree, we can take time out to calm down and think. We can hang up the phone and breathe. We can walk away. But we have to come back. We can’t leave. Not until it’s worked out.
That doesn’t mean everything is always perfect. I don’t know what kind of happy ending this will have. But I know he’ll fight for me.
And I do know that God says the same thing.
Don’t Leave. Period.
So no matter how imperfect I am, no matter how difficult my friends, family, and My Complicated can be, I’m not leaving God.
He’s never left me. He fights for me every day.
Being Christian isn’t about being perfect. It’s about not being alone. Ever.
It’s about those dark quiet nights when no one’s holding my hand. It’s about going to the grocery store by myself. It’s about celebrating with dinner for one (two if Dot is home). It’s about doing all these things alone, but not being alone.
Being Christian is about sharing my life with God, and knowing that He’s doing what He can to share His with me. He’s asking me to just not leave Him.
Does being Christian make me perfect? No. But I strive to attain the best imperfection I can for Him. Does it mean judging others? Not without pointing fingers right back at me. Does it mean abandoning those who I treasure, adore, love? Never.
Will I get in your face and tell you, you need God? Always. Why? Because I know God. And He wants to know you. Because God is supernatural and able to manage my life in ways that I can’t. Because God loves us all even when we don’t love ourselves. Because I can’t see inside you. I can only know the parts of you that you share with me. And I don’t know what conversations you’re having with God. It’s mean and cruel of me to assume that anyone doesn’t know God. I can tell you what I feel in my heart when we talk. But I can’t tell you if you’re in His arms or not. No. That’s not true. I can tell you, every single one of us is in His arms. I just can’t tell who’s fighting Him and who’s enjoying His comfort. And I will never make that judgment call.
As I’m writing this, I know deep inside that someone is reading it with that first glimmer of faith and hope. Whoever you are, please know that I am praying for you. Please know that I want to dance with you on streets of gold. And until we get there, while we are still here, I love you with an imperfect love. You may be a stranger to me. That’s okay. Reach out to someone who can be there for you. Pray. Pray with a friend, a family member, or even a stranger.
Don’t be afraid of the label of Christianity. Don’t think you can’t measure up. Don’t worry about being judged. Don’t think wherever you are in life that you can’t reach out. Don’t worry about others. Just give it your all.
And just know that God has made this promise to you.
Don’t Leave. Period.
He never promised peace and fulfillment. Rather, He warned us that just the opposite would happen. That people will hate Christians for no reason other than being Christian. It is not easy. But it’s definitely better.
Years ago God gave me a choice to keep a friend, or turn that friend over to God. As painful as it was to walk away, I opened my hands and released this person to God. God told me the process would be long and painful. And it was. To have to say no to my friend. To have to walk away and let God step up. But the result is beautiful. My friend is now married with children. Living a very successful life, and a very Godly life.
It’s so possible to be completely fulfilled with God. It really is. Your dreams are rarely His dreams, but as you draw closer to Him, he will change your heart so that your desires are for Him and His will.
I promise it’s worth it. And I promise He will never leave you or forsake you.
Whoever you are, I’m praying for you. So hang in there.
Don’t Leave. Period.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
It’s Complicated, Part One: My Relationship
The First Step
P.U.S.H.
Dear God, Did You Forget About Me?!
May 17, 2014 |
Last week on my personal Facebook profile, I changed my relationship from “single” to “it’s complicated”.
It’s Complicated.
No photos. No names. I’m not one to spill intimate details. I like to protect the privacy of the people who choose to expose themselves to a writer’s life ~ this writer’s life.The family I’m born into and gave birth to don’t have much say on the matter. But the ones who have a choice . . . those are the ones I admire. The ones who are strong enough to stick around when the word goes to print. The ones who don’t unfriend me on Facebook because they see the struggle between who I am and who I want to be, and the dichotomy between my very personal and sometimes public life.
Last week, my two worlds collided in a very unexpected manner. An old friend came to town. We went out. And then he said it. It. Those three little words that every woman loves to hear from the man she wants to want her in return.
Complicated? I’ll say so. There are many dynamics [read: hurdles] we would have to conquer to make a relationship work. Those are the private moments. But we’re talking. We’re sharing. We’re growing closer. That’s the public life.
He’s not perfect. [He had the nerve to ask “Why Toronto?” when discussing travel destinations.] He doesn’t drink coffee as much as I do. [That’s okay, I’ll have his share.] But he likes cats. He encourages my writing. And he’s taller than me. [Yes, mother, when I’m 5’8″, a man who can tower over me is a nice thing!]
I’m not perfect. I cry too much. I told him I hated him for holding my hand. I told him I was going to write every flaw and fight for dramatic content, of course. I drink his coffee and eat his chocolate. I order before he looks at the menu. But he likes me anyway.
It’s too soon to know if I’m blessed with this man or if we’ll end up hurting each other. I do know we’ve been friends for such a ridiculously long time it would be impossible to leave him completely. Right now, our complicated promise is only this:
Don’t Leave. Period.
The rest we’ll either figure out or we won’t. We’re not in a rush to make it work or find out it won’t. For This Girl, who thrives on stability and steadiness, this uncertainty is new. I’m used to being alone, solitary, not asking for help with decision making or planning someone else’s social schedule. This is familiarly new to me.
Is he a good catch? I think so. I’ve always thought so. Except for those in-between times when we’ve danced around each other’s lives with someone else. Except for those in-between years when we forgot we liked each other. After all this time, we are in the same place at the same time. And it’s complicated. Because it’s not.
It’s a little terrifying. A lot satisfying. And pretty much the reason I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a week.
I want to make sure I’m not using him for his attentions. Let’s face it–who doesn’t love some nice “You look good” and “Have a chocolate” stuff. He deserves more than me just wanting his attentions. He deserves me wanting him completely, as he says, “warts and all”.
And so I’m praying. I’m praying for clarity and direction and all the things a person prays about in a relationship. I’m praying to be able to keep God first not just in this, but in every relationship. I desire God to be above all else in my household. I crave a man who is so in love with the Lord that he forgets I’m in the room.
It’s so complicated. I don’t want a guy to replace God as my Head of Household.
And in the quiet of the late night, when the rest of the world is gone and asleep and I’m left alone after hanging up the phone and My Complicated is far away, I hear God saying, “I’m still here.”
That folks, is what we in the writing world call “the hook” or “the cliffhanger”. Come back tomorrow for the rest of the story.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . That’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Apologetic
I’m Afraid of My Own Succcess
