Apr 15, 2013 |
THUNK.
And then, again.
THUNK.
That’s what my friend Lisa says these types of writings do for her. When God uses me to write His message on her heart. She gets thunked.
As you’ve undoubtedly noticed from my incredible lack of writing lately, there’s not been a lot of thunking going on. Sorry, Lisa.
I need a respite. A retreat. I need to find a way to afford a weekend getaway to disconnect from the world and reconnect with my daughter, my writing, and my God. I need nature. To spend time in His world and renew my view. I need refreshing.
I’m tired. I’m tired all the time lately. The Cookbook Project was so fulfilling, so successful. So exhausting. Through the end stages of ordering product and processing orders, I fell under a bout of anemia. It doesn’t happen often. But if I don’t take care of myself, it can affect me.
I was already tired. So I didn’t cook too much in the last month. We ate leftovers and easy fixings: toast, eggs, oatmeal. It’s not like a homecooked meal. But I tried. Sometimes. And sometimes I didn’t. Which is why my iron levels dropped. I didn’t make the connection until one morning the dark circles under my eyes were darker. And not going away. And neither was my fatigue.
And then I remembered. I’m borderline anemic and I hadn’t eaten meat for much longer than a week. Neither had I taken vitamins.
My eczema has flared up as well. Rough, dry, itchy patches on my legs and hands. Yeah. Real attractive, right? The problem with eczema is the more it flares up, the more I rub/scratch, the more it flares up. Ugh. Talk about your Catch-22. My eczema is a result of cold, dry weather, weather changes, dietary changes, and stress. Hmm. Any of those happen lately? Let me think… I’ll take (e) for All of The Above, Alex.
Just about ten days ago I made a wonderful discovery. Something I’d not known before. Something which makes people who hate the internet, appreciate this information highway just a little. Anemia and eczema are connected.
Awesome.
I mean it. What a sigh of relief to know I don’t have a buzzillion things wrong with me; but rather one thing that is affecting me in a buzzillion ways. If I can get the anemia under control, the eczema will follow.
I’m still tired. Greatly overwhelmed. But I’m hopeful. I don’t expect my body to rebound after one red-meat meal. It will take a little time. Hope is a beautiful thing: Hope, in itself, offers promise and peace.
The anemia isn’t the only cause of my eczema. I need to release my worries and concerns. I need my body to let go of the stress it’s holding on to. That’s so much easier said than done. Am I right?
Let’s have a show of hands: Who has worries? Who has concerns? I thought so.
Worries and concerns aren’t unique. Troubles are a natural part of life. But doesn’t it seem that there are more worries and concerns lately? Isn’t the world around you more troubled than it used to be? Are you losing sleep, too? The deep-breathing thing doesn’t always help, does it? Yeah. Me either.
There’s a lot I’m not doing because I’m so tired. I’ve been unable to tend to my yardwork. I haven’t visited friends as often. And I’m not writing. Not really. I haven’t touched the novel for over two months. I haven’t even read my Bible.
My fatigue makes me feel like a failure. And causes me concern. These projects that aren’t getting done: how detrimental are these delays?
Today was it. That moment when I finally spoke aloud the words I knew were welling up inside of me. “I don’t have energy to be happy right now. I need replenishment.” Thankfully, blessedly, God heard me.
Dot nudged me to go to Church with her. I wanted to just stay in bed. But she wasn’t having any of that. I knew there would be a reason for me to go, so I went. We unexpectedly met some of my Very Favorite People there, who invited us to lunch at IHOP after.
Hey. Free food. I don’t have to cook. And I get to enjoy their company? Yeah. I’ll bite that apple. [Yes, my chocolate-chocolate chip pancakes were delicious. Thank you asking, Kenny.] Two hours later we finally disbanded. And I felt fed. Loved. Comforted. And a bit replenished.
I’ve been waiting for a Big Miracle, when the little ones are right in front of me. I can’t conquer the world. But I can conquer one task. At least, I can start.
So tonight, rather than watch TV, I turned it off and decided to pick up my Bible. I subscribe to one of those little daily prayer magazines. I haven’t looked at it in months. I figured it would be a good way to edge back into the Nightly Prayer Routine. My focus is easily distracted these days, so I can use all the guidance I can get.
After saying goodnight to Dot, I went to my room where the first distraction came about. My adorable cats were cuddled up, waiting for me. I also wanted to post an Instagram photo of my new fox necklace. That’s a separate story; but this part is important: as I was looking at the photos from those I follow, one lovely young lady posted this:
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid or dismayed,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
She posted it as a reminder to herself that He is always here. But I think God had her post it so she could THUNK me with it.
In this moment, before I started my Bible reading and prayer time, God is already soothing my soul. I am so very afraid of how terrible our finances are. I am so very worried about getting through each day. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.
But God does. And He chose someone else’s troubles to tell me.
And it doesn’t stop there. After reading that, and feeling a slight rejoicing well up inside me, I opened my little magazine. Today’s verse of the day is Isaiah 35:3-10. Isaiah is a book filled with stories of Strength and Endurance. Just look at the first word in these first two verses:
“Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
‘Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.'”
I guess now I should tell you that before I read, I wrote. My journal is full of letters to God. Pouring my heart out, praising Him in thanks, offering up prayers for others. As you can imagine, tonight’s entry was full of phrases like “Rescue me” and “Fight for me” and “Why is this so hard?” and “What do I do?” I knew He would hear me. Am I so tired that I’m not hearing the answer?
And then I read Isaiah.
That alone made me giggle a little.
You see, many years ago, in choir, I was known as the Teddy Bear Rescue Mission. I’ve always collected teddy bears. Still do, when I get the chance. About ten years ago, I was going through a very rough time and constantly seeking God’s presence. I asked Him to specifically show Himself to me in ways that were meant only for me. Over several months, He blessed me. With bears. Abandoned teddy bears I found on the side of the road, took home and cleaned up. There’s Roadie, Faith, and especially Isaiah. Isaiah was a brand new Ty Beanie Baby bear that happened to be in the middle of the road just as I drove up and stopped for a signal. I only had to open my door, reach down and pick him up. To this day, that bear is a symbol of God’s promise to care for me personally, individually, and intimately. He knows me and knows not only what I need for my body, but for my mind, emotions, and soul. He continues to refresh and replenish me. Even if the world doesn’t see it. Even if the bills still don’t get paid. Even if my anemia and eczema doesn’t go away.
Bears are awesome creatures. They are big. Strong. Yet cuddly. Furious and ferocious. And I have always loved them. And foxes remind me of Disney’s Robin Hood. They are beautiful, quick, quiet. Each of these wildlife animals command respect and admiration and awe. They don’t worry. They live the lives they are designed to live. You don’t see a bear trying to be a zebra, or a fox imitating a bird. They don’t worry about tomorrow.
There are approximately 365 mentions in the Bible to “not fear”. The variations are “Don’t be afraid,” “Do not fear,” and “fear not.” 365. That’s one for every day of the year. I’d say if God says it that much, He must have known we’d need the reminders.
I didn’t have to get away to connect with nature. I didn’t need a retreat to feel restored. And I don’t have to worry about my bills and budget.
I needed only to open my eyes. And be the best Molly Jo I know how. The rest will take care of itself. Somehow.
Faith Like a Fox
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote.
You may also enjoy reading:
The Bear Rug ~ A Heritage Story
A Lesson to Trust
Give Us This Day…
What I Learned on Women’s Retreat [The Big Whammy!]
Destination Mission Inn
Mar 24, 2013
I said this to a friend yesterday. I was completely sincere.
He’d had a heart attack nine months ago. Without warning. I woke up one Sunday to read on Facebook, “Had a heart attack last night.” I tried to figure out what he meant. Was he referring to a fright? Did his sports team lose? It wasn’t until he posted a photo of him in the hospital bed that I realized he was serious: he’d had an actual heart attack. As we were chatting this weekend about so many things in life, I thanked him for not dying.
Another friend of mine went through a bad health scare a few years ago, yet focuses his attentions on helping others before himself. Still someone else is suffering depression and it saddens me that I can’t be a stronger help for her.
So many people don’t realize their importance to others. We take our friends and even our families for granted. While we share ourselves to an extent, we may never really know what’s going on inside someone else’s mind, body or soul. Anything can happen at any given moment.
Everyone has something to offer; a reason for being in our lives. I’m a strong believer in letting people know how you feel.
This is for each and every one of you still in my life.
My Dearest Person,
Thank you for not dying.
You are valuable to me in ways I can’t fully express. You have honored me with your trust, your respect, your company. You are an example to me of how live through hard times, and celebrate Something Good.
There are times when I have felt useless and burdensome yet you never let me stop being me. You helped build the foundation of my life and while I try often, I don’t think I thank you enough.
Words can’t express what I really want to say to you. I’m so grateful to have you to laugh with, to cry with, to ask help from and be a help to. I want you to know that being a part of your life is so rewarding to me. You’re not perfect; I’m not perfect. But together, we’re a perfect blend of give and take.
My memories of us will never be forgotten. I love that we’re adding to them constantly. I can’t possibly imagine my life without you. And I’m so glad at this point in time, I don’t have to.
Whatever you went through, are going through, will go through… Thank you for not dying.
Thank you for being a part of my life.
With much love,
Molly Jo
Expand Your Horizons
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Not Such a Bad Day
Using The “F” Word
Afterthoughts
Friends v. Friends
To the Young Adult Females in My Life
To The One Who Lost Someone This Week and Others Who Are Hurting
Dear Amy, I’m Just So Sorry For Your Loss.
Do You Mean It?
Promise Me We’ll Be Like Them
Jan 8, 2013 |
December 14, 2012:
I received an email tonight. The kind that makes your heart flutter and your wings spread. And your stomach churn.
By the time you read this, it will all be over. Or, rather… it will just be beginning.
The local newspaper wants to interview me about my writing. About my Blog, my Business, and my Book. I already texted Megan. What wonderful timing. Just two days ago we agreed we’ve been stagnant too long and it’s time to get back to writing our Series. You long-time readers know what a long, hard year this has been for so many reasons. It’s nice to get back on track. Megan and I seem to do our best writing with a Starbucks or Denny’s in winter.
I’m waiting for the reporter to get back with me. I emailed her back with my work schedule. I contacted a few readers and friends, as the reporter asked for input from others.
And I’m trying to think of something profound to say when she interviews me. Something that will make the newspaper reader pay attention and say, “Wow. This Girl is goin’ places.”
But all I can think of is… it feels like I’m succeeding. And it scares me.
I’m used to not quite making it. I’m used to reaching too high, and falling a little short. I’m used to my little world staying little.
And all the while I cry for broader horizons.
Well. It seems the cosmos is listening to what I’m not saying.
The next morning:
I couldn’t sleep well last night. My mind is filled with so much. I have to clean the house. (So thankful Dot is now on winter break and can help with that!). What recipe can I give the paper to print?
Mostly, I’ve realized this: it’s out of my hands. I’m used to being the writer, not written about. I have no control over what other people say, or what the paper prints. And that jostles me out of my comfortable excitement.
In the past few weeks, my world continues to shift, grow, change. Aside from the writing, life in general is more amazing than it’s been in quite a while. I have a sense of confidence, of fundamental foundation that this is the way things are supposed to be. There’s no question mark in my mind causing me to second-guess my actions or my goals.
It’s hard to not be able to write everything out for the Blog, but some things are better kept for the journal. Still… life is getting pretty exciting right now.
December 25, 2012:
Merry Christmas.
The article was supposed to be printed today. It wasn’t. What a terrible disappointment. I woke up earlier than I usually do on this day and stole away into the dark sunrise looking for copies of the paper.
There were none to be found. Thankfully, it’s delivered with my mother’s regular newspaper subscription. That matters less than the beautiful sunrise I alone experienced. The only one on Main Street, driving east. The clouds building behind the mountains, pushing the cold blue sky into light.
On Christmas Day, all skies should be dark and stormy. And peaceful.
The Reporter tells me the article will be printed next Tuesday instead.
New Year’s Day.
No article.
While I’d love to revel in disappointment, which is not to say I’m not disappointed (I really am!), I’m also filled with a strong sense of this is the way it’s supposed to be. For whatever reason, I need to tell my friends and readers who have been contacted by the Reporter that I can’t express my awe and gratitude at their support and encouragement but their input is still unknown to the World At Large.
For now.
Once again I’m being told the article is being pushed back a week. In the meantime, I’ve been putting great effort into promoting my Kickstarter campaign, working on my Meal Plan for January (I’m so infatuated with WinCo Foods right now!), and talking more with Megan about the next chapter in our series. Dragons are such fun creatures!
Jan. 4, 2013
The furnace and/or thermostat isn’t working again.
Just another notch on the disappointment belt.
The funny thing is, even with all the stress of not being able to make ends meet and now needing at least a new thermostat and more likely, an expensive part for the furnace… I still feel optimistic. I knew for a few months that January would be an extremely difficult month to get through, financially. I didn’t think the cosmos would throw the dice and add more “fun” to the mix. But that’s the way it is… some people, like me, just naturally attract this kind of… roller-coaster.
And I’m okay with it. Because as tough as things have been, and will be, we have always managed to find our way through to the other side. Always. When we feel like Job, we know God hasn’t forgotten us. And someday, soon, His blessings will fall upon us and we’ll be better than before.
So as much as I want to be disappointed with everything… all I am right now, with a broken furnace, is cold.
Jan. 5, 2013
I’m tired. I’m. Just. Tired.
I couldn’t sleep because I kept hearing the furnace turn on. I’m not used to it working so efficiently, and I’m listening for it to malfunction. It hasn’t, of course. But it’s been so cold lately that now my car is having trouble starting… well, if it’s not one thing it’s another.
I used to not be the kind of person who would lose sleep over worries. But this last year has changed me. And with my eczema screaming from my arms, legs, and now my hands, I feel even more like Job with his afflictions.
I’ll be glad when this winter season is over.
January 7, 2013:
Is this The Night Before?
The article is supposed to be printed tomorrow. I think it will be: the editor asked the Reporter to ask me for a photo. Dot and I had a mini photo session this weekend. She’s so gifted with a camera. We have the same camera, and in the same room with the same lighting, her photos always turn out better. I absolutely love counting on her skills for this.
She said she didn’t need to be in the photo with me. I told her she did. It’s so very important that she be in the photo, in the paper with me. She’s my inspiration, the very reason I started cooking better meals for less. She’s my first, loudest, and longest cheerleader. She has to be in the paper with me.
I just got off the phone with Mom. I’ll be heading over to her place early tomorrow. She gets the paper but I don’t. So I’ll stop in early on my way to work and hopefully the article will be there.
Jan. 8th 5:23 a.m.
I always liked Tuesdays best.
I woke up earlier than usual. Before the alarm clock, even. I have no idea if I’m in the paper or not. I think I need this to boost my Kickstarter campaign. I’m just over 30% funded, which means I still have 2/3 of the way to go. And the pre-ordering/fundraising ends February 1.
So I’m a little nervous.
The article’s not online. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But I honestly wonder if it’s in today’s paper. If it’s not, this post gets delayed for yet another week. And the Campaign needs a booster shot through some other media.
If it is… I guess I’d better learn to not be afraid of success. Even in small doses.
To quote one of my favorite movie lines: “Baby steps, Bob. Baby steps.”
Well… I guess it’s time to get up and find out what kind of day it will be.
6:55 a.m.
It’s gonna be a good day.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote.
Nov 22, 2012 |
Far be it from me to stray from what so many will post about today: reasons to be Thankful. While I’d love to discourse on how this beautiful feast first began, I’d much rather spend time with my family and friends. As, I’m sure, you do too.
And so in lieu of a lengthy post, here’s my simple statement.
I met a homeless man outside the office tonight. He asked me how I was, and I said, “I’m good.” And then I surprised him by asking his name, and how he was. His name is David. And he responded with, “I’ve seen better days. But I’m still breathing.” And then he smiled weakly.
Can I get an Amen for David?
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Invisible Person in a Sea of People: Robin H. and the 99-cent Sin
The Catering Business
The Adventures of Will Power and the Basket of Blessings
Dear Amy, I’m Just So Sorry For Your Loss.
TGIF
Jun 17, 2012
It’s a Wonderful Life.
Yes, I know it’s June.
Yes, I know you’re all shaking your heads and wondering if I’m having a nutty.
But I’ve had this movie in my laptop DVD player since Tuesday night.
And I’ve been watching it.
And I love it.
This has become my favorite Christmas movie. The Christmas movie. The one I have to watch each year. Sure, I have my Top Ten. Those movies that I bring out the Day After Thanksgiving and watch at some point within the next 30 days.
But It’s a Wonderful Life is the one that I watch. I mean, really watch. The one where I make phone calls to tell my family “Don’t call me.” The one where the snack food is on the coffee table and the holiday drink of choice is in the chilled glass. There are no interruptions when I’m watching this movie.
Even Dot knows not to distract me in any manner whatsoever.
Have I said, this is my favorite movie? Because it is.
It’s the well-known original story of a down-on-his-luck man whose life didn’t go at all the way he planned. Filled with anger and regrets, an angel greets him in an effort to prevent his suicide. What follows is the other side of the “What If” coin. George Bailey is consumed with the “What If’s” and “Why Not’s” that he thinks would have made his life better. Angel Clarence shows him the “What If’s”, if George had never been born.
George is filled with a renewing sense of purpose, of gratitude and thanksgiving. His life hasn’t changed. But his perspective has.
And he comes to realize what so many of us fail to grasp:
It’s a Wonderful Life.
As one of my friends says, you can stay on the pity pot or you can share your sunshine.
I could never understand how people are so much nicer and more patient and compassionate from November through January, and the rest of the year go back to acting as if others don’t matter.
If we can find that “Christmas Spirit” then, why not now? Why should it be a shock to be filled with hope in June?
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately and not liking it. I’ve been feeling like I’m at the end of the proverbial rope. Worst of all, I’d been feeling almost like there’s not much hope.
I hate that feeling!
I dug through the Christmas media and found my movie. And I’ve been watching it every night since.
It’s interesting how you can watch the same thing over and over and then suddenly, realize something new about it. I’ve been so entranced with watching the movie, paying attention to it. Every night I’m catching new glimmers that I’d not noticed before: dialogue, camera angles, scenery. Every ounce of this movie is coming to life for me in a way I’d not experienced before. Not only is the message coming across loud and clear, but it’s reigniting my creative passions.
The writer in me constantly evaluates every word, every action. The person in me finds hope in every scene.
Hope.
From a movie script.
Inspiration.
From a story.
Sure. My situation hasn’t changed since yesterday. But in some ways, that’s okay. Because while things aren’t getting better, they also aren’t getting any worse. And there’s something to be said for that kind of stability. The kind where you know you’re home with family and eating together each day. The kind where creativity overcomes the consumer.
The kind of stability that gives you a comfy bed to rest in and a DVD to watch each night.
Things haven’t gotten any better.
But they haven’t gotten any worse.
It’s a Wonderful Life.
I’ve been watching it every night.
And I’ve been waking up every morning. Ready to face whatever the day brings.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
