Aug 19, 2015 |
I’ve been praying all wrong.
Last night God whispered through my shouts.
Last night I was holding on so tight, begging for resolution that didn’t come.
I asked Him, “Why?”
He pried my hands lose so He could hold them.
He said, “Stop limiting me.”
I said, “Why aren’t you fixing this? I mean, I’m trying to trust you and all, but why aren’t you fixing this?”
He said, “Who says I’m not?”
I stomped. I pointed. I whined.
I said, “Because it’s not fixed! I can see it’s not fixed. How am I supposed to trust you when you’re not fixing what you said you’d fix?”
He said, again, “Who said I’m not?”
I turned my back and hummphed at Him.
I said, “Because it’s not fixed.”
He said, “What does ‘fixed’ look like to you?”
So I told Him.
Then He said, “That’s different than what it looks like to Me.”
I said, “Yeah. Your ‘fix’ isn’t the same. So it’s not fixed!”
He said, “So you have a problem.”
I said, “Yes, I do.”
Then He asked, “And you also have the solution?”
I said, “Of course not. That’s why I’m coming to you.”
He said, “So you have a problem. And you don’t have a solution. but you ‘know’ my solution isn’t working because you can’t see the ‘fix’. Is that it?”
I got angry. “Yes! That’s it!”
He said, “So you know what ‘fixed’ looks like. And you’ve been asking me to ‘fix’ this problem according to your vision.”
I said, “Yup. That’s right. So here’s my problem. Fix it. Fix it this way.”
And He said, “I’ve been trying to fix it. But you’re asking for the wrong solution.”
I said, “I’m confused.”
And I’m pretty sure He laughed. Gently, but He laughed.
“I know,” He said. “You have a problem, and you think you also have the solution. But you can’t have both. One precludes the other.”
Of course, I wanted to be snippy and say, “Oh, God. You just think you know everything don’t you?”
But of course, He does.
And I don’t.
So I stepped back.
And He was right.
My prayers aren’t answered because they’re the wrong prayers. They’re not answered, because I’m not giving Him the chance.
If I have the solution, I no longer have the problem. If I have the problem, obviously my solution doesn’t work.
I have to take myself out of the Solution Box.
And a funny thing happens when I do.
It gives God room to fill it.
HIS way.
And let’s face it.
Dad’s way is best.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” (Ecclesiastes 11:5)
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19)
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)
The Bending Tree
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote.
Mar 15, 2015 |
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
~Exodus 14:13-14 (NIV)
I suffer from depression. This isn’t something I used to talk about. It’s nothing I’m ashamed of, because I’m still here. But it’s definitely something misunderstood. And most people are afraid and embarrassed about it, whether it’s happened to them or someone they love.
I’m still here. Which means I’m strong enough to get through that one-more-moment that I needed to get through. But what about the next time? Will I be strong enough then?
Being strong hurts. It hurts not having someone else to lean on, to help pick up the pieces of a fractured heart, or scream happiness with. It hurts to be the one, and not have the one.
Do you ever think about the percentage of creative people who deal with depression and other “disorders”? I believe it’s because we feel things much deeper than average people. Artists of any media are particularly susceptible to opening ourselves up to a life that wounds us to the core. Feeling terrible is better than not feeling at all, and feeling it at such a depth makes the creativity that much more powerful.
When I’m affected by the chasms and peaks of life, I see it more broadly than I can express, except through emotion. I find beauty in hurts and puzzles in rays of sunshine.
I feel more deeply and am more confused by the beauties of this life than I can ever begin to explain. I don’t search for the darkness, but neither am I always afraid of it.
I’ve struggled through some horrendous moments and I’m lucky to be alive. I don’t share the details of my story with a lot of people, because I never know how they’ll react.
There’s a certain vulnerability with letting someone have the keys to your destruction, and trusting them enough to not use it against you.
That’s not my saying. I stole that gem of wisdom from my writing mentor.
In the context of a good book, the characters need to be flawed and need to struggle with each other. In the context of life, it’s a lot more complicated, and a lot more unsettling, and doesn’t always wrap up neatly.
Mostly, life is good and I’m okay. But now and then, something, or a collection of somethings, will trigger that stress in me and try as I might, I can’t always “put on a happy face”.
Depression has its own set of rules that unless you’ve been there, you can’t possibly navigate. Well-meaning people have tried to control or change me. They don’t realize it’s not as simple as that.
I’m not discounting the benefits of avoiding triggers and trying to make things better. But depression is an internal event.
Here are just a few gems from people who haven’t been there:
- “If you just stopped thinking about it, you’d be happier.”
- “Get some rest. Things will be better in the morning.”
- “Have you tried vitamins?”
- “Doctors don’t know everything. You should see someone else.”
- “Medications only make it worse.”
- “You need a change of scenery. Why don’t you get out for the day or take a weekend vacation?”
- And what I find to be the most hurtful: “You just don’t have enough faith.”
There’s also the struggle to identify a cause. Many times, my depression is provoked by something nameless. It’s a constant presence, in the shadowy corners, just waiting to be recognized. It’s its own thing, caused by nothing and solved by nothing else.
The best a person with depression can sometimes hope for is just to breathe through the moment.
I say again, I’m lucky. Through years of hard work, self observance, and a decent group of friends to support me, I’ve learned to identify my triggers and my solutions.
I’ve learned to monitor my body. If I’m not eating healthy enough or sleeping enough, that can make my thoughts a little less clear. Which makes it hard to filter out the negative thoughts.
I know the difference between having a glass of wine with dinner, and going out to a bar so I don’t have to stay home alone. Self-medicating isn’t just about medicines. It can also be food, TV, thought patterns . . . whatever a person uses to feel better.
I’ve learned that the most important thing I can do is reach out. It’s also the hardest. My depression embarrasses me. I’m a typically joyful, outgoing person. I love nothing more than to be surrounded by people whether it’s church, fellow writers, or even my favorite clients from the day job.
I also don’t like to bring other people down. I don’t want to explain myself or disappoint my friends. I don’t want to hear someone’s outside opinion of what I’m doing wrong. So I keep to myself. Or I hide it behind the fake smiles and the hugs and the I’m-Doing-Fine’s.
And I keep hiding. Until it’s bigger than I can handle. Until something’s gotta give.
“Stop forcing a catastrophe where there’s not even a storm.”
I’m lucky to have friends who have known me long enough to realize my triggers before I sometimes do. Friends who can talk me down from the ledge when I didn’t know I’d even stepped out. And I’m lucky those friends were there for me this weekend.
I wasn’t in physical danger, but I was certainly not in a good place. What I thought was just fatigue and anxiety had combined with, as they pointed out, the exorbitant amount of stress from the last few months until I stopped fighting the triggers. I began barking at people with an unfiltered vocabulary. I broke promises. I was ready to fight almost everyone in my path. And I didn’t care.
Depression can garble thoughts. What I think is right in the moment, isn’t. Who I think is against me, isn’t. But I can’t recognize what’s right, or I don’t want to admit the embarrassment of misunderstanding. Even if it’s fleeting. Even if it’s undeserved. Apologizing for being irrational is a painful and humiliating experience. So I don’t.
I just can’t seem to get this life-thing right. So the depression grows. And I keep it to myself.
My depression comes with its own trust issues. It’s hard to know who to talk to, who to tell what to, and who to listen to. Do they really understand me? Do they have my best interests at heart? Or do they want to “help” me to feel superior about themselves? They’ve not been here, they’ve not had these thoughts. How can they possibly understand.
I tried to read my Bible for that whisper of hope and direction. I just heard the words “Be still.” Which I couldn’t do. I mean, I’m depressed, right? Which means I’m anxious. My legs are bouncing while I’m sitting. Or I’m up, pacing the floor. Or sitting on the bench practicing my steady breathing and hoping not to hyperventilate.
If one more person asks how I’m doing then keeps walking instead of waiting for a real answer, I’m gonna lose it.
I didn’t want to lose it. I had to find a way to fight this. I had to find a way to get back to being me. But I’m afraid to talk to anyone because this is different than who I was ten or twenty years ago. They won’t see that. They’ll just see this and think same ol’ same ol’.
And then I found it. Exodus 14:13-14. Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Just as God led Moses to the Red Sea, He led me to my shore. He parted the stormy waters so that whatever was threatening them in their future vanished, and He promised that what was troubling them in their past would remain in their past. He didn’t promise them a perfect tomorrow. He just promised them a way out for now.
Stop. Take a breath. You asked for my help, and I’m here. Now. In this moment.
And in that moment, with my trusted friends, I was able to securely reach out and know, it’s gonna be okay. They’re not judging me based on past moments. They’re not judging me at all.
They’re just reaching back.
December 8, 2014
My depression is something I will always have to live with. Most of the times, it’s dormant, hidden, controlled. When it isn’t, I have to learn it’s okay to stop fighting myself and others. I don’t always have to keep this a secret.
And I don’t have to be ashamed.
This weekend I realized I have too much to say. I’ve been quiet for too long. It’s time to be authentic and reach out, so others can reach back.
Tonight I feel just a little less lonely. And I think I’m gonna sleep better than I have for a while.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Before You Pray
2015: HOPE
It’s Complicated, Part Two: Christianity
Aug 5, 2011 |
by Molly Jo Realy @MollyJoRealy
Flashpoint: -noun. A critical point or stage at which something or someone suddenly causes or creates some significant action. A critical situation or area having the potential of erupting in sudden violence.
Flashpoint: -noun. A Canadian cop-drama set in Toronto. Concurrently aired on CTV in Canada and CBS in the United States on Friday nights.
People either love Flashpoint, or look like you’re speaking a foreign language when you talk about it. Thankfully, I now live in that strange country, and invite you to join me.
Unlike so many regular shoot-em-up cop dramas, this is the show to watch to see how it’s all done right: well-written, superbly acted, complete stories. The character backgrounds are solid. The guest stars are amazingly talented. The scenes are thoroughly designed, and there is not one wasted second in any episode.
Whether a show focuses on one member or the entire team, there is always a sense of deep camaraderie between the characters, the actors, and those behind the scenes. The blending of so many unique talents is exquisitely performed.
Now in it’s fourth season, Flashpoint continues to attract and surprise its viewers with every scene. Although each episode is a stand-alone work of art, they also build on the last. For those of us who love the show, each Friday night is like coming home to family. Even if, at times, that family is a bit dysfunctional.
Like any real-life workforce, the family changes. Some people leave, some people come. Some people change, some people never do. The show is dependable in that it is never dependable. What started out as eight regulars was quickly dropped down to seven (let’s not forget the short-lived Dr. Amanda Luria), then six, then a small fluctuation of comings and goings, and rumor has it there will soon be another character change. As unsettling as these changes are, most fans are willing to tolerate the intermittent shake up, because in four years, Flashpoint has never disappointed.
The FP family also joins together on the producers’ official facebook page, Flashpoint Team One. It is a fanpage like no other. It was started by the producers to promote the show. It is kept alive daily by their constant interaction with the fans and all others who visit the page. It’s where I keep in touch with those who get it. Who get me. And why I love the show. Kate, Mary, Angelo, Laura, FPTO Katie, and all the others who interact on a regular basis. We work well together.
There isn’t a fan on that site that doesn’t know what it means to “go all coffee shop” on someone or “copy that” to a “Hot Call”. Everyone shares in the joys of the producers’ random acts of kindness (giving out Flashpoint merchandise to various fans just for the heck of it!), the discussion groups, Mary’s constant guard to keep spoilers off the main page for those in different time zones [personal shout out to the Sarge from this west coaster!], the collaborative fanfic efforts, and the overall community feel.
Fans proudly promote their efforts in sending Flashpoint out into the world.
Kate contributes her story ideas to www.fanfiction.net/tv/Flashpoint/
Angelo is the go-to guy for visuals (Kudos for the great pic above!). You can find more of his great stuff here: http://eclectickle.wordpress.com/flashpoint/
Fans become quick friends with each other. There is no pretense of shyness or awkardness. We’re all obsessed with bringing attention to the show, and we all accept the gushing that comes from everyone about each and every episode and producer interaction.
On any given day, you can find postings from a Canadian fan who happened upon cast and crew filming in Toronto; a tweet from the actors, writers, producers. Computer geeks share their wallpapers. Scribes share their ideas. Fans share their appreciation. It all blends very, very well; an overflow of the community that begins on set.
So it comes as a surprise to us fans, and to Flashpoint, that another change is about to happen. Having remained uncommitted to the series, CBS waffled on whether or not to renew. Canadian TV shows run only 15 episodes a year, whereas Americans are used to 22. Rather than stick the US with just as many reruns in a regular year, CBS has used Flashpoint as a filler for the past four summers. No wonder it hasn’t had the opportunity to grow into the market as well as it could. Nonetheless, CBS is well aware that Flashpoint has a die-hard following. They would do well to keep it going. But they moved too slow.
Next month, Flashpoint will be moving from CBS to ION Network. ION is a smaller cable channel, known mostly for its syndication-repeats and midnight infomercials. Not everyone in America has ION, which leads some in want of iTunes downloads. Here’s hoping that Flashpoint will be just the kick in the pants to jump start ION down a new road to aptly compete against the Big Four, and give CBS a “told-you-so” attitude.
Not every show has to have the crass vulgarity of Two and a Half Men or the horrific slaughters of Criminal Minds and CSI. While I’m a huge fan of those crime dramas, Flashpoint brings something more to the table. More realism. More in-depth characters. More honest reactions. More wanting for more.
There’s not a Flashpoint fan in the world who doesn’t hold their breath the last ten minutes of every episode, then share their angst when it’s over, having to wait an entire week to find out what happens next. Then we all go online and hash it out. Together. It’s our own brand of heroin. And it always leaves us wanting ~ no, craving ~ more.
*Check out these and other official links for more community:
Facebook – Flashpoint Team One
Twitter – Flashpoint Team 1
Flashpoint: One Moment Changes Everything. They Have the Solution.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
