Jun 28, 2012 |
I cry. You know this. I’ve talked about my crying in my writings. I’ve cried while writing. I’ve cried while reading. I’ve cried while watching TV. I’ve cried when listening to music.
I cry when I’m sad, stressed, angry, confused, and happy.
I cry when I see other people cry. I cry when I see other people who should cry but can’t.
Now there’s a time and a place for everything. I don’t cry every day. There are times when I need to suck it up. And there are times I have to let go. I can hold it together until the moment presents itself. Most of the time. But, as a general rule of thumb, I’m a crier.
I cry.
And I’m okay with that.
But some people aren’t. Some people see my tears as a sign of weakness or anger or giving up. Some people see me as less than strong, as unmanageable, as someone who doesn’t “have it together”.
And to you, I say: That’s okay that you think that.
My tears mean I’m in touch with my emotions. My crying means they free-flow out of me. It’s part of what makes me a great writer. To be able to grasp the innermost workings of a person’s soul and spill them onto paper in a way that others can’t.
My crying means I see potential. I see how things could be, sometimes should be. I see how things were. I’m aware of change. I’m aware of all the What If’s and Used To Be’s. And I’m constantly fighting with myself to come to terms with What Is.
Yes, I’m embarrassed that a simple hug from a friend can start the waterworks. Yes, I’m frustrated that my heart rate elevates in proportion to my saline discharge. Yes, Yes, Yes! It’s uncomfortable. It’s awkward. It’s a bit stifling.
But it’s also a freedom. It’s how I work out what’s in my head and in my heart. I can drive through tears. I can still function. I can still cook, clean, write, sing, and dance while crying. I can, I have, I will continue to do so.
And I can process. I can process my thoughts, my feelings, my plans, the world at large. And I can come up with wonderful ideas and suggestions and characters and dialogue and settings and environments and stories.
I don’t mind that I’m a crier. Because I don’t do it all the time. And when I do, it’s authentic. And when I do, it doesn’t mean I’m only sad or angry or overwhelmed. Sometimes it means I’m all of these at once, plus happy and elated. And confused.
And when I cry, I can talk. I can say, “I’m crying because…” I’ve never said, “I don’t know why I’m crying.”
I feel more. I think deeper. I love stronger. I relive memories. Every bit of me is an electrified emotional experience. And so, on occasion, I cry. It’s just one more way I express myself.
And I don’t think expressing myself makes me weak.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Jun 27, 2012 |
You really should read some of the stories over at Shell’s link up. This was only the second time I linked up. I added this morning’s post, “What’s the Word?” Wednesdays: Blog Hop because her topic and mine are similar. But she has a way of writing that inspires me. It’s so heartfelt, so honest. Like she’s opening the doors to her house and allowing us to snoop in her medicine cabinet.
I want to be that transparent. But I’m just not. Partly because my family doesn’t really want me writing about them (go figure), but partly because I guess I don’t think my transparency matters. I write more of what I want instead of who I am. Unless it’s fluff.
Not Shell. She really gets it. She doesn’t even know me, doesn’t know how her blog influences me. But I hope she finds out. She really needs to know that she’s not writing into empty space.
I know sometimes it can feel that way. As a blogger, we put our “schtuff” out there, and then edit it for public consumption. There are basic rules, you know. Be nice. Be fair. Don’t be mean or belittling. Don’t over-expose yourself. Keep your guard up. It’s a complicated relationship: that of being a daily public blogger and being a private person.
So anyway. I really admire Shell and her posts. And I think I’m gonna try to be a little more like her.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Jun 27, 2012 |
Wow, can you believe it’s the last week of June already? I can’t! I thought once Dot graduated that it would go by slower. Truth is, we’ve been enjoying so much family and friends time that the last month has flown by.
In other respects, it’s also been very slow. I keep waiting for any job opportunity to come my way. So far, no joy. I thought having so much time on my hands would lead to some great writing, but the truth is, it had an adverse affect. I’ve felt a little useless lately. A little non-contributive (is that a word? It is now!). But that stopped a few days ago. I really started reading and writing again (Have you entered to win your own copy of Louis L’Amour’s Short Story Collection? Click on the first link under this post to do so!).
I’ve been working on a new short story set in New Orleans. Except I know it won’t be a short story. Because it took me three pages just to introduce the protagonist (main character). Yup. That’s a big word. I’m trying to use bigger words, to grow my vocabulary. I’ve been perusing the web and finding that, while I enjoy the chit-chat language and vernacular, I also enjoy reading that which makes me feel smarter, that which challenges my language skills. If I have to use a dictionary at least twice a week, I like it. More than that, and I’m in Heaven. Every day, though, and it’s too much. So. Yes. I’m creating a smart protagonist. And I’m loving it.
I’m also coming to terms with my emotions. Dot’s a high school graduate. She’s practically an adult. It’s weird to see her going out with her friends so much. And for me to stay at home. We used to do family dates. Now, she’s got her group, and I’ve got… my chair. Not that I don’t have friends. I just don’t go out as much. She goes to movies and dinners. My friends and I just hang out at each others’ houses (mostly theirs, since most of my friends have cat allergies). I don’t mind. It’s just different. I’m not as social as I used to be.
May brought about the death of Dot’s boyfriend, and the end of my beloved FLASHPOINT, and several job opportunities that didn’t come through. I was pretty angry at God for a while, and I had to come to terms with that. I’m not ready to write it out yet. But suffice to say, that as always, I know God is God and I’m not so any time I think I know better… I’m an idiot.
So you can see I’ve a plethora of emotions that I’m still working through. I’m so thankful for my wonderful family and friends. They put up with me, keep me in check, and just nod and say, “I know…” when I start to cry. I’m also learning that just because I cry a lot does not mean I’m weak. I’ve already started a blog post on that, but I want to make it better before publishing.
I’m looking forward to someday soon being able to give back to my family and friends as much as they give to me. To tell Jaye, “Heck yeah, let’s have coffee!” and to give Megan a workable manuscript. To try new recipes with my mom. Just to let everyone know, I love them. I’m a people-person. And as Jaye told me today, “I’m your peeps.” I like that. I think that should be our motto whenever we see someone we know.
You never know what someone’s going through. And we’re all going through something. Nobody’s life is perfect, is stress free, is truly fine. Everyone has something. Wouldn’t it be neat to know we’re not alone? When we’re going through life, wouldn’t it be great if someone stepped along side and said, “I’m your peeps.” Even if they don’t know, even if we can’t share the load, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to walk with? Wouldn’t it be great for others if we could say it to them?
“I’m your peeps.”
Yeah. I think the world might be a better place.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
What’s the Word? Wednesdays is a linky that allows other bloggers to share whatever is on their minds that they want to talk about. Think of it as a virtual coffee date with some great friends.
What’s going on in your world? Tell us all about it!
A few things to remember:
- Each week’s linky is valid from Wednesday through the following Tuesday. So if you link a post today, you can still come back and link another post tomorrow!
- If you add a link, please put the badge on your post as well.
- Be sure to check out what others are posting, and even leave a few comments.
After all, a great coffee date is one where everyone gets to chat, dontcha think?
