Stop Fighting and Be Still.

Mar 15, 2015 | 8 comments

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
~Exodus 14:13-14 (NIV)

I suffer from depression. This isn’t something I used to talk about. It’s nothing I’m ashamed of, because I’m still here. But it’s definitely something misunderstood. And most people are afraid and embarrassed about it, whether it’s happened to them or someone they love.

I’m still here. Which means I’m strong enough to get through that one-more-moment that I needed to get through. But what about the next time? Will I be strong enough then?

Being strong hurts. It hurts not having someone else to lean on, to help pick up the pieces of a fractured heart, or scream happiness with. It hurts to be the one, and not have the one.

Do you ever think about the percentage of creative people who deal with depression and other “disorders”? I believe it’s because we feel things much deeper than average people. Artists of any media are particularly susceptible to opening ourselves up to a life that wounds us to the core. Feeling terrible is better than not feeling at all, and feeling it at such a depth makes the creativity that much more powerful.

When I’m affected by the chasms and peaks of life, I see it more broadly than I can express, except through emotion. I find beauty in hurts and puzzles in rays of sunshine.

I feel more deeply and am more confused by the beauties of this life than I can ever begin to explain. I don’t search for the darkness, but neither am I always afraid of it.

I’ve struggled through some horrendous moments and I’m lucky to be alive. I don’t share the details of my story with a lot of people, because I never know how they’ll react.

There’s a certain vulnerability with letting someone have the keys to your destruction, and trusting them enough to not use it against you.

That’s not my saying. I stole that gem of wisdom from my writing mentor.

In the context of a good book, the characters need to be flawed and need to struggle with each other. In the context of life, it’s a lot more complicated, and a lot more unsettling, and doesn’t always wrap up neatly.

Mostly, life is good and I’m okay. But now and then, something, or a collection of somethings, will trigger that stress in me and try as I might, I can’t always “put on a happy face”.

Depression has its own set of rules that unless you’ve been there, you can’t possibly navigate. Well-meaning people have tried to control or change me. They don’t realize it’s not as simple as that.

I’m not discounting the benefits of avoiding triggers and trying to make things better. But depression is an internal event.

Here are just a few gems from people who haven’t been there:

“If you just stopped thinking about it, you’d be happier.”
“Get some rest. Things will be better in the morning.”
“Have you tried vitamins?”
“Doctors don’t know everything. You should see someone else.”
“Medications only make it worse.”
“You need a change of scenery. Why don’t you get out for the day or take a weekend vacation?”
And what I find to be the most hurtful: “You just don’t have enough faith.”

There’s also the struggle to identify a cause. Many times, my depression is provoked by something nameless. It’s a constant presence, in the shadowy corners, just waiting to be recognized. It’s its own thing, caused by nothing and solved by nothing else.

The best a person with depression can sometimes hope for is just to breathe through the moment.

I say again, I’m lucky. Through years of hard work, self observance, and a decent group of friends to support me, I’ve learned to identify my triggers and my solutions.

I’ve learned to monitor my body. If I’m not eating healthy enough or sleeping enough, that can make my thoughts a little less clear. Which makes it hard to filter out the negative thoughts.

I know the difference between having a glass of wine with dinner, and going out to a bar so I don’t have to stay home alone. Self-medicating isn’t just about medicines. It can also be food, TV, thought patterns . . . whatever a person uses to feel better.

I’ve learned that the most important thing I can do is reach out. It’s also the hardest. My depression embarrasses me. I’m a typically joyful, outgoing person. I love nothing more than to be surrounded by people whether it’s church, fellow writers, or even my favorite clients from the day job.

I also don’t like to bring other people down. I don’t want to explain myself or disappoint my friends. I don’t want to hear someone’s outside opinion of what I’m doing wrong. So I keep to myself. Or I hide it behind the fake smiles and the hugs and the I’m-Doing-Fine’s.

And I keep hiding. Until it’s bigger than I can handle. Until something’s gotta give.

“Stop forcing a catastrophe where there’s not even a storm.”

I’m lucky to have friends who have known me long enough to realize my triggers before I sometimes do. Friends who can talk me down from the ledge when I didn’t know I’d even stepped out. And I’m lucky those friends were there for me this weekend.

I wasn’t in physical danger, but I was certainly not in a good place. What I thought was just fatigue and anxiety had combined with, as they pointed out, the exorbitant amount of stress from the last few months until I stopped fighting the triggers. I began barking at people with an unfiltered vocabulary. I broke promises. I was ready to fight almost everyone in my path. And I didn’t care.

Depression can garble thoughts. What I think is right in the moment, isn’t. Who I think is against me, isn’t. But I can’t recognize what’s right, or I don’t want to admit the embarrassment of misunderstanding. Even if it’s fleeting. Even if it’s undeserved. Apologizing for being irrational is a painful and humiliating experience. So I don’t.

I just can’t seem to get this life-thing right. So the depression grows. And I keep it to myself.

My depression comes with its own trust issues. It’s hard to know who to talk to, who to tell what to, and who to listen to. Do they really understand me? Do they have my best interests at heart? Or do they want to “help” me to feel superior about themselves? They’ve not been here, they’ve not had these thoughts. How can they possibly understand.

I tried to read my Bible for that whisper of hope and direction. I just heard the words “Be still.” Which I couldn’t do. I mean, I’m depressed, right? Which means I’m anxious. My legs are bouncing while I’m sitting. Or I’m up, pacing the floor. Or sitting on the bench practicing my steady breathing and hoping not to hyperventilate.

If one more person asks how I’m doing then keeps walking instead of waiting for a real answer, I’m gonna lose it.

I didn’t want to lose it. I had to find a way to fight this. I had to find a way to get back to being me. But I’m afraid to talk to anyone because this is different than who I was ten or twenty years ago. They won’t see that. They’ll just see this and think same ol’ same ol’.

And then I found it. Exodus 14:13-14. Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Just as God led Moses to the Red Sea, He led me to my shore. He parted the stormy waters so that whatever was threatening them in their future vanished, and He promised that what was troubling them in their past would remain in their past. He didn’t promise them a perfect tomorrow. He just promised them a way out for now.

Stop. Take a breath. You asked for my help, and I’m here. Now. In this moment.

And in that moment, with my trusted friends, I was able to securely reach out and know, it’s gonna be okay. They’re not judging me based on past moments. They’re not judging me at all.

They’re just reaching back.

December 8, 2014

My depression is something I will always have to live with. Most of the times, it’s dormant, hidden, controlled. When it isn’t, I have to learn it’s okay to stop fighting myself and others. I don’t always have to keep this a secret.

And I don’t have to be ashamed.

This weekend I realized I have too much to say. I’ve been quiet for too long. It’s time to be authentic and reach out, so others can reach back.

Tonight I feel just a little less lonely. And I think I’m gonna sleep better than I have for a while.

And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!

You may also enjoy reading:
Before You Pray
2015: HOPE
It’s Complicated, Part Two: Christianity

Sweeten my tea and share:

EXODUS: Keep On Keepin’ On

Oct 19, 2012 | 2 comments

[For more posts like this, visit my FAITH Page.]

I love the stories in Exodus. I love how God can take a socially inadequate murderer like Moses and turn him into the rescuer of an entire nation. I love how He never condemns Moses… yes, He gets frustrated with the man, but He never condemns him. There are cause-and-effect, actions and consequences… but no condemnation. Moses doesn’t get to party in the Promised Land, but he does enjoy his Salvation.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Or rather, the Story. You see, my church is reading through the Bible this year. Start to Finish. All 66 books. Pastor Tom calls it Route 66. Kind of a take on the Mother Road that winds its way through our not-so-little town. In the beginning of the year, I wasn’t too good at keeping on track. So as I (try to) do my daily readings, I also try to catch up on one or two of the Missing Days.

I also listen to the Bible online at night. It helps me sleep. It helps me process what I’ve read, and what I’m going to read. As you’ve probably guessed by now, this week I’m concentrating on the Book of Exodus.

Tonight I read Chapters 7 – 9. The start of the Plagues. And this is what I’ve learned:

Moses and Aaron were old. Old. Great-grandparent Old. Really, God? You’re going to save the nation through two old men? Whatever… and not just old men, either. Moses was a murderer! Remember way back in Chapter 2 when Moses killed the Egyptian who was beating an Hebrew? And then he ran away. Poor Moses! Hebrew by birth, adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter. No wonder he couldn’t talk straight!

And then there’s Aaron. The older brother. The one who became lesser. The one who had to speak for God’s chosen one. Do you think that may have caused some sibling rivalry? I’m thinking maybe just a tad.

But don’t worry. It gets better. Because this was a Real Band of Brothers. They joined forces and together approached Pharaoh in the Name of God and asked to be set free to worship God properly. God told them. They asked. Pharaoh refused. You could prob’ly set your sundial by it.

Pharaohs were usually succeeded by their first son through the Queen [Pharaoh’s wife]. If Pharaoh’s first wife didn’t have a son, then the next wife’s son was chosen, and so on. It’s quite possible that the Pharaoh Moses went to confront was known to him through his early upbringing. That alone could be a huge part of the strife. “Hey, you know me, but there’s this God I’m listening to now. And, well, basically, as a ruler, you stink. Lemme go.” I’m just thinkin’…

Here’s what else I learned tonight: God never promised them freedom at the onset. He only instructed them to ask for it, and expected their obedience. He told them from the get-go what Pharaoh’s response would be. And guess what? Yup. It happened. Just.Like.That.

Every time Moses and Aaron performed a “trick” like bringing frogs out of the Nile or turning water into blood, Pharaoh’s sorcerers did the same thing. Now, I’m not a real theologian or anything, but I gotta wonder… how is doubling a curse on your land proving your point? I mean, if God brought gnats into your house, and a sorcerer doubled them, would you be all “Oh, thank you for the gnats, Great Pharaoh!”? Yeah. Me, neither.

But with each test, each Plague, something was happening in Egypt. God was getting their attention. At first, all of Egypt was against the Hebrews. After a few Plagues, even the sorcerers admitted God was greater than their own powers. And by the Seventh Plague (hail storms), the Bible says, “Those officials of Pharaoh who feared the word of the LORD hurried to bring their slaves and their livestock inside.” [Exodus 9:20, NIV.] Even Pharaoh’s own officials recognized the power of God!

Now, my reading for today stops after the Plague of Hail… but not the story. And I know how it ends. Wanna know?

God wins.

Simple, right?! I think so. I find peace in knowing the ending. In knowing that all God required of Moses and Aaron and the rest of the Hebrews was persistent obedience and faith. And in knowing that God kept His word in their lifetime. And more than that, told them ahead of time what to expect.

I think that’s a pretty well thought-out battle plan, don’t you? Of course there’s a few more Plagues to deal with and the whole Red Sea parting. And let’s not forget that even with these great signs and miracles Moses lost his temper. When he struck that rock in frustration, he directed the Hebrews’ attention away from God and onto himself and therefore was not allowed into the Land of Milk and Honey [Numbers 20:12].

How many times do I lose out on earthly blessings because I’m too stubborn and frustrated and afraid? How often has God instructed me just to follow Him and obey, and I embellish? How often do I try to claim the glory and the credit for His good works?

How often do I stop in my tracks, afraid to move on? How often am I worn down with the weight of my world, wondering when my help will arrive?

Take note from Moses and Aaron: You’re never too old. You’re never worthless or unable to be redeemed. You’re never alone. You always have direction.

And always, always, always

Keep On Keepin’ On.

And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!

Filigree Frosting

Aug 25, 2011

by Molly Jo Realy @MollyJoRealy

I finished reading the Book of Exodus today. I lost count of how many times I read the phrase, “it was done just as the LORD commanded Moses”, or a close semblance.

What really stood out to me was that the LORD ordered Moses to lead the people, to construct the Tabernacle, and to even decorate the Priest’s outfits with filigree surrounding the engraved stones. God commanded Moses and the people to add filigrees, not just hooks. Hooks and clasps would have fastened the ephod to the breastplate to the shoulders just fine. But God wanted more. He wanted not just functionality and purpose; but beauty.

I got to thinking about what it could mean… Our God doesn’t need us for anything. He can do all things Himself. He began all things. He doesn’t need us for anything.

But He wants us.

I was hit with a picture of God being a Master Chef. There He is in the kitchen, preparing a most wonderful feast. Now, the feast itself is nourishing, it sustains us the way food is supposed to. But He adds little touches. He bakes a cake, and then He decorates it. Does He need to? No. He doesn’t need to decorate the cake. He didn’t even have to make it! But there He is, taking His time, scrolling delicate designs all over it. Why? Does it make the cake taste better? Of course not. Does it add nutritional value? Not unless it’s purely organic frosting spiced with extra minerals. No. God decorates His cake because He wants to.

Now picture this: the cake is the world. And we are the filigree frosting. We are the icing on the Cake. God didn’t create us because He had to. He created us because He wanted to. Because He wants to enjoy us. Because we add that little extra touch to this world.

He doesn’t leave a void. Every filigree is placed by His hand. Every inch of icing is part of His plan. And He doesn’t let someone else come by and drag their finger through the icing just to smear it. If someone comes along to mess things up, God’s right there in the kitchen, ready to fix whatever “mistakes” may happen. Sometimes He makes it better than the original. But He never, ever just lets them go. Sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes it feels like we’re either on display for the whole world to stare at, or worse, invisible. But that’s not the case. God knows right where you belong. He curved you, He colored you, He designed you, He set you in place.

Because He thinks you’re deliciously beautiful. And He wants to share you with the World.

Chew on that.