Apr 22, 2014 |
I’m afraid of my own success. What if achieving my dreams means changing everything I know about my life?
I am my own worst enemy. I love stability of structure and I’m not one to shed the security blanket easily.
But often, blank pages hold just as much accusations as they do promise.
Blank Pages are the World’s Canvas
I play the “What If” game too often because, in the past, the “What If’s” happened. The bad ones. The oh-my-God-this-could-only-happen-to-me and the I’m-one-in-a-million-and-not-in-a-good-way ones. The I’m-being-sabotaged-and-no-one-will-stand-up-for-me ones. The life-will-never-be-the-same-again ones.
And I really love stability.
So when anything comes along that can upset the apple cart, I get nervous.
I’ve had to learn to recognize my anxiety triggers. I know to avoid too much coffee on those high-adrenaline days. I have a “smart shopping” checklist on my iPhone for those necessary eat-out-but-not-fast-food days. The older I get, the better I am at listening to my body. My emotions may want chocolate ganache, but my bloodstream craves caffeine-free Gatorade.
Better sleep + better foods = better emotions.
So the anxiety doesn’t get to me like it used to. Of course, there are certain elements that are no longer around. That helps, too. You know what I’m talking about: those button-pusher people who are as good at backstabbing as they are at infiltrating. Those situations that belong on a soap opera and not in my life. I’ve been lucky to distance myself from the hurts and the hurtful. But their shadows remain.
I’ve had to retrain myself to not be afraid, the way others wanted to keep me afraid. Of sharing myself. Of living authentically. Of being the Me I’m supposed to be. Their false condemnations that who I was wasn’t good enough, would never be good enough. That I had deep, dark secrets to be spilled instead of forgiveness to be shared.
But now I know.
I’m better than that.
I’m better than what they said.
I’m better.
But I’m still afraid.
I’m still okay with the bad “What If’s”. The ones I can’t control.
But . . .
What if I am successful? What if I achieve everything I know I’m meant to do?
What if I conquer it all . . .
And I win?
The last few years were so hard. You’ve heard my poverty stories before. I know I’m not unique. I know there are many more people out there fighting just like me to save their homes and feed their families and do a thousand dollars worth of repairs on a nickel budget. People who don’t have the resources that I have, people who don’t have other people to come alongside them and cheer them on or pull them back on to the path.
And I’m not trying to complain. But my life is such a dichotomy between the dregs of the economy and the elation of my soaring words.
I don’t want to be stuck here any more. I don’t want to whine and complain and worry and cry.
But I do.
Yet, I see my way out. I see the path that I’ve laid, and I see where it’s going.
I no longer put the word “aspiring” before “writer” when I tell people what I do. I am a writer. I am a good writer. The rest of the world will soon discover how great a writer I am.
My “new” workspace ~ a real desk!
In the last two months, just eight short weeks, my writing universe has grown by leaps and bounds. I have my desk. I’ve met some wonderful people who are turning out to be great connections. I saw the need for a position with my writers club and asked to create it. [The result was a resounding yes: I’m now the official Social Media Manager for the California Writers Club, High Desert Branch, come join the fun on Facebook.] All four books are progressing fast. I might soon have The Unemployment Cookbook on local bookstore shelves. My critique group is essential to me in a craft capacity, and a fellowship.
All these are the beginnings of what I have always prayed for, always held my breath and crossed my fingers for. All these are essential to me being Me.
To be able to put food on the table and gas in the car and pay the bills on time and stop these damned collection calls and not “borrow” money that everyone knows until I win the lottery I will never be able to pay it back.
And that scares me, too. It scares me because it’s possible financial stability is on the five-year horizon. If I don’t need my family, my mommy and brothers, any more, will they still need me?
If Megan and I obtain all we’re reaching for, do I have to give up being home every night with Dot and our FurFamily?
If I don’t have to worry about tomorrow as much as I currently do, what will I do with that happiness?
I don’t want to be arrogant or a celebrity. I just want to be the best writer I can possibly be. I want to share my stories with the world. And yes, I would like to know that my stories make a difference.
And make money. Let’s be real. This is how I want to pay my bills. This is how I long to provide for my family.
For my family.
MoJo & Dot
And so I write my stories. My poems. My blogs. My thoughts and suspicions and dreams and nightmares. And I share them. And I collect them for future publication. And I keep on writing it out. Because I can’t be the only one who thinks like this, right? I can’t be the only one who feels so incomplete and so uplifted at the same time . . . right?
This is my calling. To be the best writer I know how to be. To tell the world about life in a way that can only be told by me.
But I’m not there yet. I’m still taking the journey. And at times it’s dark and twisty and scary. My heart pounds inside my chest and I can’t catch my breath.
What If I’m wrong? What If my path is a dead-end? What If those shadows are still waiting to sabotage me? What If I lose the house before I earn enough to save it? What If more bad than good happens?
Can I keep going on?
Yes.
So I let my light shine. From inside. Whatever light I have, I broadcast it.
Sometimes it’s a candle. Sometimes it’s the sun.
The end of the path will never be a reality. I’m thankful for that. With each step taken, there’s another step to take.
While I’m still here, still bringing with me the pains of the past, still glimpsing an uncertain future, I do know this: I have something to say.
And I can say it well.
I just need the rest of the world to listen.
As I sit here drafting this post, trying not to complain, trying to look for the light and not worry about tomorrow or the distractions it brings, my friend Janice posted this on her Facebook profile:
“Strength & resilience emerge by your own will to become a better person, no matter what downfalls happen in your life… be your own hero.”
Thanks, Janice. You are, as always, the right person at the right time.
How do you like them apples?!
How Do You Like Them Apples?!
“Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.” [Luke 12:22-23, NIV]
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Apples
Poverty: My Story
I am Defined. And I am a Mystery.
This post is linked up with Shell at Things I Can’t Say. Because sometimes, we just can’t.
Apr 15, 2014 |
When I purchased this house, there was no doubt I would name my small estate Bedford Manor. If I ever sell this plot and move, the new place will also be christened Bedford Manor. And probably every property I own after that.
Bedford Falls is the quaint hometown of George Bailey. Not sure what or whom I’m talking about? Only the greatest Christmas movie ever.
I adore the message in this movie: It’s not about the money. It’s about the people. And when you’re lower than the floor, you can do the Peter Panda Dance count on your people to be there for you, even after you’ve done your best to alienate them. It’s a Wonderful Life is about home.
Another reason I chose the title Bedford Manor is because of thirtysomething. That show back in the early 90s that everyone talked about. In my early 20s and away at college, there were two shows that my people and I watched without fail. Beverly Hills, 90210 and thirtysomething. Tuesdays and Thursdays were relegated to predictions while Wednesdays and Fridays brought great discussions about the inevitable bomb-dropping that occurred. I had a knack for predicting upcoming storylines. I wasn’t always right, but my peers and I certainly had fun dissecting the episodes before and after they aired.
thirtysomething was produced by Marshall Herskovitz’s company, Bedford Falls Productions. Who remembers the end-tag each week as we all sang “. . . and dance by the light of the moon . . .”?
Yup. Just another reason I wanted to live in a place called Bedford.
As you know from last week’s post, one of my favorite college courses was Mystery Writing 101. (It really was called that. Or maybe it was English 101 – Mystery Writing. I prefer the former.) That’s where I learned about novellas and hidden clues and solving crimes. And that’s where I picked up this book.
The aptly titled Mammoth Book of Private Eye Stories (1988).
Which is still on my bookshelves. Only this week it’s being promoted to The Shelf — that special spot I keep available for my most favorite books and the ones I still use as reference. I call it The Shelf at Bedford Manor.
In mystery novels, elegant homes are often referred to as (this) Estate or (that) Manor. So when I started looking for a house to buy, it had to fit the title. Lo and behold, it does.
My home is cozy, clean, welcoming. A refuge from the desert (except that dratted sand lot of a yard!). An oasis to travelers far and near.
And while it’s not yet finished, I’m okay with that. Because Michael and Hope never finished their house no matter how often they went to work on the construction, decorating and all the other little and big things that go into turning a house into a home.
Bedford Manor means progress. It means togetherness. It means striving and thriving. It means I have a place to come home to. A place to work. A family waiting. And a world to explore.
I can be safe here, or daring. I can rest or run a mile.
Bedford Manor means open doors.
It means all the things that make me me.
My “new” workspace ~ a real desk!
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
My Housing Project: Back to the Beginning
I am Defined. And I am a Mystery.
You’re Gonna Make It After All.
Apr 14, 2014 |
Last week, I had the honor of meeting and speaking with two very exceptional writers.
As a member of the local California Writer’s Club, I attend monthly gatherings to network with other local writers and hear from a guest speaker who shares his/her experiences and advice.
Just over a week ago, we had special meeting. Because Victoria Zackheim and Anne Perry were in town.
Meeting Anne Perry & Victoria Zackheim
Who are they, you ask? Just two of the best women writers on the market today. No, I’m not exaggerating. Victoria writes, edits, and teaches at UCLA. Anne’s books have sold over 30,000,000 worldwide. So no. I’m not exaggerating.
Y’all know I’m working on four books as we speak. I realize some people call this lunacy, but it works for me (the writing part. Not the crazy part. Well . . . maybe a little bit of that last one). Two are the compilation books, one is the fantasy and the last is NOLA.
NOLA Inspiration
I have each plotted out from beginning to end. The only thing left is to finish the writing.
Except I’ve been stuck with NOLA. I have the beginning, some of the middle, and the end. But I couldn’t figure out how to get from A to E because I didn’t know B, C or D.
And then I heard Anne Perry. And I talked with her and Victoria. And I realized, I’m writing a mystery novel. It’s always been a mystery. I’d just not identified it before.
It was like eating the first bite of a cake you just baked. It was like taking that first sip of coffee that you brewed in your new Keurig. It was like opening my eyes to see where I already knew I was.
My not-from-Cafe-de-Monde Beignet
When I talked with Victoria and Anne, I realized I’m writing a mystery novel. And the lights turned on. I know now how to get from A to B to C . . . all the way to Z. I know now that I need to introduce a few more characters and expand on those already in the story.
When I was in college, my favorite class was a Mystery Novel Writing class. We read The Maltese Falcon and watched the film. We read Tony Hillerman. We analyzed Double Indemnity.
Lately, I’ve been remembering that class and the material. So I watched Double Indemnity the other night. It’s a fine mystery movie. I looked at my bookshelf. I have quite a collection of mystery novels. Many by Stephen J. Cannell. Wait . . . what? Stephen Cannell’s a mystery writer? How did I not turn that light bulb on before? Collecting his books, reading them, meeting and talking with him about writing . . . and for some reason I blanked out on the mystery part? There’s another breath of fresh air. My mentor was a mystery writer.
Stephen Cannell & I (2010)
I’d already started rewriting NOLA based on input from my critique group (another benefit of being a member of the California Writer’s Club). I need to add more dialogue. It’s okay to jump into a scene instead of leading up to it. And never, ever mention a dead body unless there’s some sort of follow-up.
Yes. I’ve finally identified who I am.
And I am a mystery writer.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Why I Write. Every Day.
What’s Your Writing Style? Creatively Overcoming Writer’s Block
Five Things Friday: THE BIG EASY
Mar 31, 2014 |
My web-designer updated my website this weekend. That’s New Inklings Press’s website, not the blog.
I’m very excited. The changes are subtle but specific.
You can now link to my Amazon page, and individual product, from the home page. You can read about upcoming projects and our authors. And of course, you can still shop directly.
Which is a good thing, because I have 75 copies of the THE UNEMPLOYMENT COOKBOOK, Second Edition. Remember when you followed last year’s journey to get it published, and how you said to yourself, “I need to order.” or “This would make a great gift.” or “So-and-so really needs a copy of this.”
The Unemployment Cookbook, Second Edition
Well now’s your opportunity. With just 75 printed copies left and no plans for a reprint, this may, in fact, be your last chance.
Now here’s the “wish” part of this post. It’s my wish, my goal, to sell all my cookbooks before Easter. There are three small bills I am trying to pay in full, and, as you may have read on my Facebook page, I’d like to get a Disneyland annual pass. Sure, that last one isn’t a necessity.
But Dot and I used to have passes. Instead of a big vacation, we’d go to the Parks a few times a year together, as well as with friends. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to renew my pass for a few years now. She and her friends have. And let’s be honest: This Momma’s a tad bit jealous.
Disney Dream (from a door on Main Street, U.S.A., Disneyland, CA)
Does the world stop spinning without Disneyland? Of course not. Can we still have Quality Family Time without the Mouse? We do every day.
But now and then I think it’s okay to say out loud, “This is what I’m trying for” and see what happens. This, for me, is that moment.
A “New” website. A cookbook. And a wish.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
Dear Disneyland . . .
Following Fabian
FIVE THINGS FRIDAY: Everything old is NEW Again
Mar 28, 2014 |
Five Things Friday at Frankly, My Dear…
This week I received a wonderful comment on a Five Things Friday post from last summer. It was about poetry, but when I reread the post today, I remembered it was also about the Writer’s Club I belong to. Having someone recognize a post I wrote so long ago makes me feel better about writing and blogging and, honestly, just sharing life in general.
Taryn’s comment also inspired me to reinstate the Five Things Friday blog posts. And what theme could be better to re-kick it into gear than, well, better? My favorite word of this year, and probably for life.
Let’s get this started ~ here are my Five Things Friday: Better.
1. Writing. Y’all saw my new desk last week, right? How could my writing not be better when I have such a great place to write?
BETTER! 2014
The plan must be working. Megan and I have locked up the first three chapters of Book 1 of The Grenalia Chronicles. We can’t wait for you to read about Amara, Saven, Fisal, Delving, Yez, Berin, Amrais and Linwe. Yes, we made up those names. Invented a few creatures. And are in the midst of creating a magical fantasy filled with swords and sorcery and dragons and . . . well, you’ll just have to stay tuned. We’re also keeping a notebook of things we write that won’t be in the final draft. Someday, that notebook will be a best seller in itself. We have quite the sense of humor when we’re tired.
2. All roads lead to NOLA. I’m also working hard on my novel set in New Orleans. My characters are coming to life bigger than ever. I tasted my first beignet two weeks ago, and it was everything I thought it would be. Of course, it’s not from Cafe du Monde, but it was acceptable.
My not-from-Cafe-de-Monde Beignet
I have a goal to finish NOLA by the end of this year, sell it big, and celebrate at next year’s Mardi Gras. That would pretty much make This Girl oh-so-happy. And y’all know Harry Connick, Jr. hails from NOLA, right? Yes, indeedy. Seeing him on American Idol every week ~ twice a week, at that ~ is just another way to keep me inspired.
3. Budget. It took a lot to get here, to the point where I’m secure in my finances. Let me rephrase that: my budget stinks. But I refuse to stress over it. Yes, I still have trouble making ends meet. Yes, I’ll be in trouble if a big emergency happens. But I’m not unique. I’m not special. Everyone is hitting hard times. The best I can do is the best I can do. It’s okay to tell the creditors that I can’t pay in full this month. It’s okay to pay just $5 more than the minimum payment. It’s okay to wait until just before the due date. And it’s okay to not feel bad for not doing more. All I can do is all I can do. And as long as I’m really trying, I’m seeing those glimpses of success. And someday soon, one bill will be paid off. And then another. And then another. And it may take another few months, or another year or two before I can take another trip to Disneyland or eat a beignet at Cafe du Monde. However long it takes, I’m okay with that.
4. My Housing Project. I’m still working on my dirt lot of a yard. I’ve decided to put little effort into changing it, and more effort into cleaning up and maintaining it. Next year I can plant and plot. This year will be the pre-work work. This summer I’ll pull up old stumps, weed, rake, and do whatever else it takes on the outside. The only planting for this year has already been done. I bought two more Photinia for under the Big Window, and a dwarf Pomegranate tree.
Photinia
Dwarf Pomegranate
On the inside, we’re doing things better, too. I hung curtains in the laundry room.
Laundry Room Door with Curtains
I love it. It’s a nice soft look for the house, blocks the bright summer sun, and keeps the neighbors from glimpsing over the fence line. (Thankfully, I have decent neighbors who don’t have voyeuristic tendencies.) It’s the finishing touch to the laundry room.
5. Appreciation. It’s a little thing, but what a difference it makes! I’m trying to put forth better effort into appreciating the people already in my life, the things around me, and the experiences I’ve had. I’m more aware that my perceptions of the world outside myself isn’t necessarily the reality. I don’t know the inner struggles of someone else unless they choose to tell me. I can’t understand the physics or engineering of putting a building together. But I’m thankful for the shelter. I want to be patient with what goes into making my life mine, and I want to better express my thanks to all that is already a part of it. If I do all that I can do, I hope it’s enough. Sometimes it’s hard to put into words. Sometimes all I can say is “thank you”. But I’m definitely paying attention. And I definitely have a new appreciation for everything, and everyone.
And those are my betters for Five Things Friday. What are yours? Leave your comments or link up your own blog posts in the comments below.
Thanks for reading!
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
The Friday Five – STORIES
Five Things Friday – TRAVEL
Five Things Friday: Everything Old is NEW Again
Five Things Friday: POETRY
Five Things Friday: The Big Easy
Five Things Friday: Safety in Numbers
