Dec 7, 2012 |
When I wrote my first TGIF post, I hadn’t planned on making it a staple of this Blog. But sometimes a person just stumbles upon what works.
That first post was soul-baring. This one, notsomuch. This one, I really am just thankful.
Today I get my second paycheck. I find it ironic that my first post let you in on my life of poverty; and here it is a few weeks later and I’m praising the payday. It’s not a lot. It won’t replace the missing child support. But it’s enough. I’ll make it enough. And that’s all I need.
Sometimes I get frustrated, having just “enough”. Sometimes I’d like to be more than “ok”. But I’ll take what I can get, and give Thanks for it. I’ve been teasing my coworker when he leaves for lunch that he’s not allowed to come back unless he brings the winning Lottery ticket with him. This week, our Boss overheard and asked if it was a big jackpot this week. I laughed and said, “I have absolutely no idea.” We agreed that any extra money is more than what we have now so why not grab it?
Sometimes I feel like I’m back on that Merry-Go-Round. Going nowhere except high and low. Up and down and chasing my tail in circles.
Not this time. This time I’m reaching for the Brass Ring. And you know what? If my little pony can’t get me there, it’s time to change strides. Time to change horses. Time to do whatever it takes to be a winner.
The first step is to acknowledge there are steps. Success isn’t All-or-Nothing. It’s a journey. And it starts here. Now. With me. It starts.
That’s how I feel today. This paycheck is the start of Something Good. The planets seem to be aligning for me and Dot, and it’s been a long time coming. I have a job. My Kickstarter campaign is off to a good start. Oh, and let’s not forget it’s holiday time.
So. In the infamous words of my favorite TV show theme… I’m gonna make it after all.
Mary Tyler Moore Wanna-Be
and My Photo Bombing Dot
Indeed.
I have a lot to be thankful for today.
How ’bout you?
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
TGIF
TGIF, Part II
TGIF, Part III
You’re Gonna Make It After All
Nov 18, 2012 |
This last month has shown me so much. I’ve seen seen how to make ends meet when I didn’t think I could. I’ve learned how to cook rice in ways I didn’t know possible. I’ve managed to keep writing every day, even when I didn’t think I had anything to write about. And I’ve realized you want me to be honest.
For a few weeks, I’ve been finding that honesty. It’s led me to expose parts of my life that I hadn’t let too many see. And your outpouring has been so wonderful, so uplifting. Thank you.
Thank you.
My day job is going well. I’d forgotten more about the job than I realized. In the time I’ve been out of the industry, procedures have changed. My new office runs differently than the last. So ten days after my first day, and I’m still on the “learning curve”. My Boss is patient. Informative. Helpful.
I’m thankful.
I know my posts of late have been stricken with words like “poverty” mixed with “hope”. I’m not beating a dead horse nor riding romantically off into the sunset. Rather, I’m in between those two dynamics; I’m living life daily making choices that I intend to lead to a better 2013.
I don’t have the winning lottery ticket. No magic wand. It will take time to reach the quick goals. But it’s do-able. I can still write. Publish. Market. Earn. Work.
How wonderfully exciting the future seems to me right now. How intimidating and thrilling and workable.
Emily Dickinson said it best:
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all …
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Nov 17, 2012 |
Dot and I went car shopping today. I need her to have her own car. With my new job and her full-time college schedule, the car-sharing thing is getting tedious at best and a little frustrating at least. Thankfully, we’ve been able to borrow a second vehicle when necessary.
I know we can make the current situation work, but I hope it won’t last for long. When driving someone else’s car, I only drive it the necessary distance from home to work and back again. I wait until behind the wheel of my own vehicle before running errands like grocery shopping and mail dropping. My weekends are no longer my own.
So today we went car shopping. And we found one. Actually we found several, but we went back to the first one. It’s nice. Two years old. Affordable.
Except I couldn’t get it financed. My credit score is just a little too low, and I haven’t been on the job long enough. Re-ringing the poverty bell is not ~ repeat, not ~ my favorite pastime. And I know after a few more months on the job, after a few more on-time bill payments, I’ll be back in the swing of things.
I hate how a three-digit number defines whether or not I’m “responsible”. Yes, I’ve had to pay my bills late, but I’ve paid them. I haven’t defaulted. I haven’t allowed them to go into collections.
I chose to bear my burdens as best I could and not pass my struggles “down the line”. I hate listening to media and the public hate-monger against welfare and those who “abuse the system”. There are so many legitimate situations that require assistance; I’ve seen them and in earlier years been in them. But those are the stories we don’t hear.
I’ve been tempted to ride that train again. I sometimes so badly want to stand in the public square and scream, “Somebody help me!” To have someone pay the utilities, buy the groceries, take care of the bills. Whatever it takes to allow me to save enough money to buy my daughter a car. But I can’t go there. I don’t want to take funds away from some other family who needs it more: the homeless mother with a young baby. The unemployed Vet who can’t pay his mortgage. Those who don’t have family and friends to come alongside them for comfort or coffee or car-sharing.
The last year and a half, I held out hope that things would get better.
And I kept paying my own bills.
And I can’t buy my daughter a much-needed car.
And while it feels oxymoronic, I’m comfortable with this situation. Because it’s our situation.
It’s hard to explain the feeling of calm we have in our household right now. It may be months before things get “better”; but I know to so many others our situation is Golden.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight I’m home with Dot. We’re together. We’re healthy. We’re happy. In our home.
I’d say we’re faring pretty well.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Nov 13, 2012 |
It’s just after midnight and I can’t sleep. I’m anxious, but I don’t know why. I have a fearful feeling. I think it’s about going to work tomorrow, or rather in eight hours. I’m still financially underwater and praying for a miracle, but I’m not sure what that miracle should be.
I don’t often get anxious any more. Even with the last year and a half of unemployment, I handled it solidly until the last two months when other interferences came in to send us looping.
I feel like a broken record; to admit my faults, my fears so openly; but it’s apparent that my transparency is what readers value. My most popular posts are the ones in which I bear my soul. I just wish I had more to offer than this.
How can I explain that this job I’ve been praying for, this regular paycheck, causes me strife? Why don’t I understand this is a good thing, a long-term thing? When will I know the rug isn’t always pulled out from under me?
I’m anxious to be more financially solvent. To not have to pay one bill this week instead of the other; and to shuffle the paperwork again next week. I’m playing Russian Roulette with my debts and hoping I can find the magic bullet that will take care of them all without making a mess.
It will take a while. A steady paycheck isn’t an instant win lottery ticket.
I know that. I know this job isn’t an instant fix. I also know I feel better just getting out into the world far more often than I used to.
I’ve managed to keep up with my Blog, and scheduled more time for my writing projects instead of being so casual about them. I finished all edits for the Second Edition of THE UNEMPLOYMENT COOKBOOK!
My situation is already improving.
So why do I still feel afraid of the dark unknown?
I’m embarrassed by my anxiety. Does it show lack of Faith? Weakness of character? Does my spilling it all out here make me some sort of narcissist, waiting for others to come my way with their sympathies?
No. I’m human. I’m faulty. But I’m also favored.
I know God loves me. I know at night when I’m awake like this it’s for a reason. Whether it’s to listen to the Bible and learn a new lesson, or to write it out so someone else doesn’t feel so alone in their anxieties.
There is a purpose. To everything.
And in my writing those few words to you, I’m reminded of the Words He wrote for me.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I am comforted. And no longer anxious. How beautiful are such Words that truly sooth my soul. A breath of fresh air, and a cup of tea all in one.
Retreat: Be Still
Thank you, God, for the prayers of others that sustain me, even when I can’t see the foundation. You know, have known, always know everything. And so I step back from the driver’s seat and choose to enjoy the journey. And share it with the Words you give me to read, and write.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
EXODUS: Keep On Keepin’ On
Dear God, Did You Forget About Me?!
What I Learned on Women’s Retreat [The Big Whammy!]
Oct 21, 2012 |
Recently I posted a question on my Facebook page: How do you feel about abortion? I know it’s a Hot-Button issue. My intent is not to stir the waters, not to preach my personal views. Just to find out what other people think.
It’s been eye-opening and I appreciate everyone’s input.
The two most popular words in this discussion are “choice” and “murder”. When all the color fades away and the soapboxing is over what’s left is “choice” and “murder”.
Abortion is a political topic, a religious topic, and a personal topic. I strongly believe that no matter where you fall in the spectrum, your view contains both those words.
Everyone makes a choice when it comes to abortion. You choose to be Pro-Life or Pro-Choice. You choose whether to allow abortion into your life or not. And you may choose differently in different stages of your life.
Everyone chooses to believe whether or not it’s murder. Differing studies and beliefs state life begins at conception, in the womb, or at birth. Your personal belief strongly affects your choice.
I’m not going to delve into scientific research and religious views. Because for every pro there is a con, and for every “A” there is a “B”. And it bothers me when people pit religion and science and politics against each other. Every side has their own foundation.
But I’d like to ask a few questions:
- At what stage does a fetus become a person?
- If a woman has the right to choose what happens to her own body, who chooses what happens to the baby?
- Why is it okay to legislate against murder, but not against abortion?
- If abortion is a religious topic, does it belong in legislation?
- If abortion is a legal issue, how can it be Pro-Choice (left up to the individual)?
- If abortion is a personal decision, why should it be publicly decided?
- Are there other issues that fall under the Religious v. Political umbrella?
I’m not sure where I stand on abortion legislation. I have my personal beliefs, but I’m not a “one size fits all” kinda Doll. I realize no matter what I feel/think/believe, there are others who support my views and others who don’t. And there are situations in which my perspective has no bearing.
I believe, whether or not abortion is legal, it will still be performed. The world as a whole has grown comfortable with the idea and you can’t un-ring a bell. If abortion is legal, it protects women. If not, while it tries to protect the fetus, it will cause abortionists and women to become criminals in the eyes of the law.
I don’t quite understand why, what so many claim to be a personal choice, needs to be decided so publicly, for everyone.
Everyone’s story is different. Everyone’s background, heritage, experience, and life is different.
After reading and talking with you, you’ve reaffirmed that abortion is not a “one size fits all” kind of discussion.
And I’m left with this simple statement:
There is no simple answer.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
The first step is to acknowledge there are steps. Success isn’t All-or-Nothing. It’s a journey. And it starts here. Now. With me. It starts.
