Being Me.

Mar 27, 2015 | 1 comment

I’m just sitting here and this sudden, invasive thought came to me:
The Complicated and I looked so good together on paper. He was everything I thought I wanted, except for one big “check” on “the list”.
But once I got to the depths of who we were together, for each other, I knew it wouldn’t work and I broke it off. I know I broke his heart and for that I’m sorry. But I also know staying with him would have destroyed me completely. I know he now hates me and thinks I led him on or used him.
But I also know that being single, and alone, and being the Right Person for ME, is better than being the Wrong Person for someone else. He may hate me now, but I would have hated me then.
And a tag-along thought is, I don’t. I don’t hate him. And I don’t hate me. In fact, I’m darn well pleased with who I’ve become. And how I didn’t compromise myself out of loneliness.
Last summer taught me a lot about just being. Yes, I still have moments that I wish I had someone to really talk to. Someone to hold me after a long day. Someone to appreciate my successes with me. Someone to call and say, “Let’s hang out” or “Let’s watch a movie” or just “Come over and have coffee”. I want someone to go on dates with, a reason to get dressed up and keep the house clean and wash the car and have a drink with and cook for and just anticipate his smile and his voice.
I spent six months on eHarmony after The Complicated, and all I learned is to NOT make a detailed list of expectations of who he should be.
Those things I thought I wanted in a man? The Complicated was most of them. And it didn’t work out. eHarmony “matched” me with guys who “fit the bill”. And they didn’t work out.
So I’m done with the list of expectations. You know what? I’m just going to enjoy life each day at a time.
I have discovered, that I am loved by a treasure trove of people. I just had to open myself up to them. My loneliness didn’t stem from not being in a relationship. It stemmed from me keeping myself hidden from the world.
I believe, as hard as it was to say “no” to The Complicated, that it was the best thing to do. So I could rediscover myself, and find out not what I want in a relationship, but what I have to offer the world at large.
I do still want to share my life with that one person I can trust with absolutely everything. But until he comes along (and I have faith he will!), I’m no longer keeping a list. And I’m no longer keeping myself hidden.
Years ago, I woke with this sort of mantra running through my head. I’d forgotten it, forgotten to pay attention to it.

“I am worthy
Of being loved
By the One
Who is worthy
Of being loved
By me.”

I don’t know what brings it to mind now.
I was just sitting at the computer playing Trivia Crack and this entire episode hit me like a refreshing, warm wave on the beach in summer.
Time to dip my toes in a little deeper, and trust that I know how to swim.
Funny the things you realize in a moment. . .

Don't Leave. Period.

Don’t Leave. Period. My mantra to myself. No matter who else is involved, I mustn’t lose myself.

And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!

You may also enjoy reading:
It’s Complicated, Part One: My Relationship
Stop Fighting and Be Still.
“He loves me. He loves me not.”

Sweeten my tea and share:

Fifty Shades of Controversy

Feb 14, 2015 | 6 comments

I don’t care about the book. I don’t care about the movie.

I do care about the conversations going around Facebook and other social media sites.

I don’t care if your Christian or not. I don’t care if you like the book or the movie, or not.

Here’s what it boils down to for me:

The crux of the controversy is whether or not Christian people should go see this movie. I’ve read interesting arguments for both sides, and the main consensus is, it’s ultimately harmless, and what happens in a bedroom between two consenting adults is their business.

Wait. Did you read that? It’s their business. Not mine, not yours. And certainly not a theater full of 200 or more strangers.

If your belief is, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, then

LET IT STAY IN THE BEDROOM!

Don’t promote YOUR sex life (fantasy, real, or something in between) on MY television screen, MY social media page, or IN PUBLIC.

You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “it’s just between a man and woman” and air it in a movie theater. You can’t say pornography is a private issue, then blast commercials promoting it on a big screen.

I will not read this book. I will not see this movie. And it’s not because of my Christian beliefs. It’s because I believe sex is between a man and a woman and them only! It’s an act of intimacy, trust, vulnerability. It’s not coffee with friends, or shopping at the mall.

Don’t think for one minute I’m a prude. I just don’t agree with getting hot and bothered by watching something in a room full of strangers.

When do we draw the line between hypocrisy and human dignity? When do we say there are just some things that don’t need to be mainstream?

Especially on Valentine’s Day weekend. What a horrid message to send! Love is so much more than someone telling you what to do, or taking away your individuality.

Do what you want to do. But please keep your private life private. And if you agree with this, please don’t go see the movie.

Just some things I’ve been thinking about.

And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!

Sweeten my tea and share: