Aug 19, 2015 |
I’ve been praying all wrong.
Last night God whispered through my shouts.
Last night I was holding on so tight, begging for resolution that didn’t come.
I asked Him, “Why?”
He pried my hands lose so He could hold them.
He said, “Stop limiting me.”
I said, “Why aren’t you fixing this? I mean, I’m trying to trust you and all, but why aren’t you fixing this?”
He said, “Who says I’m not?”
I stomped. I pointed. I whined.
I said, “Because it’s not fixed! I can see it’s not fixed. How am I supposed to trust you when you’re not fixing what you said you’d fix?”
He said, again, “Who said I’m not?”
I turned my back and hummphed at Him.
I said, “Because it’s not fixed.”
He said, “What does ‘fixed’ look like to you?”
So I told Him.
Then He said, “That’s different than what it looks like to Me.”
I said, “Yeah. Your ‘fix’ isn’t the same. So it’s not fixed!”
He said, “So you have a problem.”
I said, “Yes, I do.”
Then He asked, “And you also have the solution?”
I said, “Of course not. That’s why I’m coming to you.”
He said, “So you have a problem. And you don’t have a solution. but you ‘know’ my solution isn’t working because you can’t see the ‘fix’. Is that it?”
I got angry. “Yes! That’s it!”
He said, “So you know what ‘fixed’ looks like. And you’ve been asking me to ‘fix’ this problem according to your vision.”
I said, “Yup. That’s right. So here’s my problem. Fix it. Fix it this way.”
And He said, “I’ve been trying to fix it. But you’re asking for the wrong solution.”
I said, “I’m confused.”
And I’m pretty sure He laughed. Gently, but He laughed.
“I know,” He said. “You have a problem, and you think you also have the solution. But you can’t have both. One precludes the other.”
Of course, I wanted to be snippy and say, “Oh, God. You just think you know everything don’t you?”
But of course, He does.
And I don’t.
So I stepped back.
And He was right.
My prayers aren’t answered because they’re the wrong prayers. They’re not answered, because I’m not giving Him the chance.
If I have the solution, I no longer have the problem. If I have the problem, obviously my solution doesn’t work.
I have to take myself out of the Solution Box.
And a funny thing happens when I do.
It gives God room to fill it.
HIS way.
And let’s face it.
Dad’s way is best.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” (Ecclesiastes 11:5)
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19)
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)
The Bending Tree
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote.
Aug 8, 2014 |
Five Things Friday at Frankly, My Dear…
The calendar tells me it’s been nearly two months since I last blogged.
Inconceivable!
Without going into dramatic detail, suffice to say life with all its twists and turns has been a great distraction from blogging. It’s been full of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. And we’re all learning to exchange beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3).
The calendar also tells me the year is about two-thirds behind us. Now that’s crazy! I look back on my resolutions and I’m so happy I had just one.
BETTER! 2014
I’m proud to say I’ve continued to do what I can to make life Better for those around me, and yes, for myself. I’m not proud to say I’ve put blogging on one of the back burners. It’s one of those things that I have great aspirations for, yet lately seem to not have time. So today, I’m taking time. I’m making time. I’m blogging. And I feel better because of it.
This week’s Five Things Friday theme is Start/Stop. It’s about those things in life that we either need to step up to, or let go of, or find a happy medium to make them better.
Here’s my Five.
1. NOLA. Is that really such a surprise? I hit a very tall Writer’s Block wall over two weeks ago. Thankfully, my writing mentor, Aaron Gansky, talked me through it. Based on feedback from Aaron, The Wordsmiths (the critique group I belong to), and several other beta readers, I’m going back to the beginning. Just the beginning. The plot itself will remain nearly the same, with just a few more twists and turns than I originally mentioned. But I need a better diving board, so I’m rewriting what I have and moving on from there. [Thank you, Aaron, for pointing out that my murder mystery novel has yet to include a murder.]
The Wordsmiths Critique Group
2. My budget. I had a long talk with God about my finances and to be honest, I didn’t like what He had to say. Because He said “Trust me.” It’s scary to trust a God I can’t physically see, for money that I physically need. I’m learning to be still, to not force anything, and to communicate. I stopped going from paycheck to paycheck, and started to really use my Mead OrganizeHer Expense Tracker. No, I’m not trying to be a commercial for them. But if you were to ask me a year ago how I keep track, I wouldn’t have a clue. Now, as soon as a bill comes in, I put it in the Bills pocket. Each month has an expense list, suggestions, and blanks for me to include my own. I’m learning to call my creditors before the due date if I can’t make the full payment. And you know what? They work with me. I’m no longer afraid of my finances. And that’s a good start. I’m still praying for a way to cut down my Sycamore tree, as it’s leaching into my watering system and I found out I’m highly allergic to it. And Beckie and I are hoping to attend next year’s Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writer’s Conference in May. There’s a huge correlation between my prayer life and peace about my finances.
3. Who’s Beckie? She’s the Newest member of The New Inklings, the writer’s group I formed around my company, New Inklings Press. Beckie and I know each other nine ways ’til Sunday and are just now realizing how many connections we have. I met her over a year ago while promoting The Unemployment Cookbook, and she recently reached out to me for a writer’s get-together. She’s been published in magazines, completed the Institute of Children’s Literature (ICL), and inspires me to keep going when I want to quit. Because of her, I’m going to start the next lessons at ICL and finally complete the course I signed up and paid for so long ago.
4. Complicated. In May/June, I was thrilled to have met up with an old friend and we had the idea to pursue a relationship. The relationship aspect didn’t work out, but I learned a valuable lesson through it: Don’t Leave. Period. While our romantic intentions didn’t flourish, I learned better communication skills. I prefer writing, of course. He prefers speaking. Long texts and longer phone calls were the norm between us. And no matter that any long-term romance was never a really good idea between us, the friendship has remained. As has my determination to not walk away from the fundamentally most important parts of life. He and I haven’t left each other, we just left behind an improbable romance. And I’m okay with that. Because, fundamentally, he’s still here for me. And I’m still here for him. No matter what.
Don’t Leave. Period.
5. Social. At the beginning of this post, I alluded to some, shall we say, challenges in the past few months that have sapped my attentions and my strengths. Because of this, I’ve had to evaluate my social calendar and make some changes. I momentarily stepped down as Social Media Manager (SMM) for my writer’s club. Aaron hired me as his SMM for a reciprocal mentoring agreement. I’ve taken as much off my plate as I can, and I’m still paring down. I’m learning to fit dinner and socializing into the same event. I’m learning to say “no” instead of “let me try”. I’m learning to rest. I’m learning what and who the important socials are. And I’m learning to let go. It’s not my favorite thing. But it’s important.
5b. [BONUS] Social. Aaron is teaching me how to nerd it by playing Magic: The Gathering. Stay tuned for his guest post on the subject. I enjoy the complexity of strategy, the lottery-feel of opening a new pack to search for random “rares”, and that while he’s always winning at Magic, he’s also mentoring me on my writing. It’s a win-win-win situation, in my book.
5c. [DOUBLE BONUS]. Social/book. If any of you bloggers reading this are interested, Aaron is giving away five free copies of his newest book, THE BARGAIN, (either digital or audio) in exchange for a thorough/heartfelt review on your blog. Just leave a comment below and we’ll be in touch with further details.
The Bargain by Aaron D. Gansky
Well, now that I’ve started blogging again, it’s time to stop this post. It’s your turn to comment, like, link up, and otherwise share what your FIVE THINGS FRIDAY: Start/Stop items are.
And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!
You may also enjoy reading:
MoJo Book Review and Giveaway: The Bargain by Aaron D. Gansky
It’s Complicated, Part One: My Relationship
FIVE THINGS FRIDAY: The Experience.
2014: BETTER.
Doing the Write Thing: Writing Conferences Fundraiser
Mar 15, 2013 |
It’s TGIF time. It always seems to work out that when I’ve been blog-absent and finally have much to say, it’s a TGIF post. I like that. Blog and I, we work well together.
And believe me, I have oh-so-much to say. The first is, I’m learning how to not say everything. As a writer, I’m a bit cavalier with my words. That’s not always a good thing. I see a story everywhere, but that doesn’t mean I should tell it. Some stories aren’t mine to tell. Others are mine, but not worth telling. Still more are shared stories, and to be told in different avenues than the Blog. I’m finding a Magic Filter that makes it okay to write… and okay to not write.
I’m making much better use of my daily organizer. Not only am I keeping track of appointments and writing assignments, I’m also keeping track of accomplishments. “Ordered mugs.” “Writer’s Group 10 a.m.”. “ICL Assign #4”. These are only a few of the entries for this month. It’s my goal to have at least one entry each day relating to writing. So far, so good.
Now that the Cookbook is in production and I have an actual inventory, it’s time to work on production of my next project. A Study on the Ten Commandments is a work I’m humbly proud of. The writing is finished, the cover is designed, and yes, there’s a Kickstarter campaign for pre-selling and raising funds for publishing.
Ten Commandments Cover
My newest writing project is half done. Broken Girl and Other Stories of Redemption: A Collection of Parables, Poetry & Prose. I’m very excited about this one for many reasons. Even in my journals, I’ve written creatively. This is a collection of moments in the past two decades as I stretched my wings, flown the coop, and raised my own family. Lessons learned and failings felt. It will also feature photographs from my big brother, Mark. His photography skills are astounding, and last year he gave me carte blanche to use them as I see fit for this publication. I was so happy to call him this week and let him know this project is finally under way.
Broken Girl cover
I don’t know how the entire project will come together, but I intend to use this beautiful photo as the cover. I call it “Desert Beauty” and I’ve used it on my Blog before. Of course, he has such a plethora of nature photos that by the time I’m ready to produce the book, I may change the cover… oh, who am I kidding?! I love this photo and I’ll use it nine ways to Sunday if I can!
Oh, sure, I could complain about my nagging fears and personal woes. But, as I so often used to say, “Everybody’s got something, y’know?” The specifics of my trials and tribulations don’t matter. The history of how I got here is insignificant. All that matters is the goal, and whether I reached for it. That, in itself, is a great accomplishment.
I have much to write over the next week:
- My views on the Vatican and Pope Francis.
- Joshua Tree blooms.
- How to score birthday freebies.
- Philippians 4:13.
- My Morning at the DMV and Why Appearances Aren’t What They Seem.
I may not get to it all in the next week. But you know what? I’m okay with that. Because I’m also learning to not sweat the small stuff… and, as Pastor Tom often says, “It’s all small stuff.”
Whatever this week brings your way, Be Blessed!
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Jan 28, 2013 |
Dear God,
I owe you an apology. I’ve been working so hard on so many things, and keeping you in my back pocket like a Genie or magic potion. I’ve only pulled you out to yell and ask why things aren’t going my way.
Why is my furnace broken? Why is the Cookbook Project stagnating? Why is Grandpa Jack dead? Why does my family struggle?
Oh, sure. I’ve been praying. A lot. But mostly selfish, “Help Me” prayers.
The truth is, I don’t need your “help”. I don’t want it. To be a Helper means to be an assistant, and I don’t want You to be my assistant. I want You to be my Leader.
I need You to lead me, Lord. To take away these focuses I have on my world, and turn it instead toward Yours. Open my eyes to see Your beauty. Open my hands and heart to help You.
You don’t need me, God. But you chose me. You chose me to speak your Word. To write for you. And I’ve left you out of it lately.
Things aren’t at all easy. They’re not at all the way I would like, the way I plan. But they are the way You set on this Path.
It feels like You turned your back on me. Haven’t I done all You asked with the Cookbook? … but I know the answer is no. I know there is more. I know You are still on the Path, still leading, but my eyes and heart are downcast at my own shadows.
I don’t want to use You for advertising, Lord. I don’t want to use You for my comfort or confidence or as a security blanket. You are my security, but You are so much more.
I tremble still with so much unknown.
But I do know this: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. By You. For You.
And so whatever else happens, I Love You. And I know You love me back.
So lead me, God. Show me how to accomplish what You want me to accomplish.
And please. Take the glory. Even when it’s hard. Even when I want recognition. Even when I want the pat on the back. Even when I question You or want more than You give.
Lead me. Period.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
Nov 16, 2012 |
I never meant for my TGIF post to become a sequel, let alone a three-peat. The first one went a little viral thanks to Good People in the Blogosphere. I’m still amazed at the Good Things that came from pouring my heart out.
To be so confident in my vulnerability is a teeter-totter I’m still learning to balance.
I still have so much to say, and now I know I can say it. Now I’m not afraid of open myself up more. I’ve always striven for authenticity. I realize now that includes depth.
It’s another Friday night. Another end of the work-week and the middle of the month. It’s after Dot’s birthday and before the Holidays.
Tonight, I have so much to say. But I can only articulate one simple breath:
I’m So Very Thankful.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote.
