It’s just after midnight and I can’t sleep. I’m anxious, but I don’t know why. I have a fearful feeling. I think it’s about going to work tomorrow, or rather in eight hours. I’m still financially underwater and praying for a miracle, but I’m not sure what that miracle should be.
I don’t often get anxious any more. Even with the last year and a half of unemployment, I handled it solidly until the last two months when other interferences came in to send us looping.
I feel like a broken record; to admit my faults, my fears so openly; but it’s apparent that my transparency is what readers value. My most popular posts are the ones in which I bear my soul. I just wish I had more to offer than this.
How can I explain that this job I’ve been praying for, this regular paycheck, causes me strife? Why don’t I understand this is a good thing, a long-term thing? When will I know the rug isn’t always pulled out from under me?
I’m anxious to be more financially solvent. To not have to pay one bill this week instead of the other; and to shuffle the paperwork again next week. I’m playing Russian Roulette with my debts and hoping I can find the magic bullet that will take care of them all without making a mess.
It will take a while. A steady paycheck isn’t an instant win lottery ticket.
I know that. I know this job isn’t an instant fix. I also know I feel better just getting out into the world far more often than I used to.
I’ve managed to keep up with my Blog, and scheduled more time for my writing projects instead of being so casual about them. I finished all edits for the Second Edition of THE UNEMPLOYMENT COOKBOOK!
My situation is already improving.
So why do I still feel afraid of the dark unknown?
I’m embarrassed by my anxiety. Does it show lack of Faith? Weakness of character? Does my spilling it all out here make me some sort of narcissist, waiting for others to come my way with their sympathies?
No. I’m human. I’m faulty. But I’m also favored.
I know God loves me. I know at night when I’m awake like this it’s for a reason. Whether it’s to listen to the Bible and learn a new lesson, or to write it out so someone else doesn’t feel so alone in their anxieties.
There is a purpose. To everything.
And in my writing those few words to you, I’m reminded of the Words He wrote for me.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I am comforted. And no longer anxious. How beautiful are such Words that truly sooth my soul. A breath of fresh air, and a cup of tea all in one.
Thank you, God, for the prayers of others that sustain me, even when I can’t see the foundation. You know, have known, always know everything. And so I step back from the driver’s seat and choose to enjoy the journey. And share it with the Words you give me to read, and write.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
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EXODUS: Keep On Keepin’ On
Dear God, Did You Forget About Me?!
What I Learned on Women’s Retreat [The Big Whammy!]