Aug 18, 2012 |
Lately, I’ve been rediscovering lost memories. I’ve been chatting with old friends on Facebook. Looking through old photo albums. Reading old journal entries and blog posts.
I’m not one to reminisce. I’m either in the moment or living for the future. The past is the past. It can’t be changed. And while I have solid childhood memories, I don’t often allow myself the luxury of recalling those favored moments more than once in a great while. This is also because I have a tendency to relive emotions that come with certain memories.
Because of this, I can write amazing character profiles. I associate more than just memories. I associate music and ambiance and flavor and fragrance and sound and texture and feelings. I incorporate entire experiences.
But sometimes, triggers can bring me back to more than I bargained for.
Over ten years ago I was engaged. I shouldn’t have been. But I was a single mom with a young girl. I was lonely, and felt alone. I met a man who showered me with affections. He was not cruel. He was not mean. We just were not a good match. People told us so. We didn’t listen, and after months of dating he proposed. I eventually broke up with him when it was clear we weren’t going to be able to work out some of our more important conflicts. It was the smart thing: to let go. But it was painful. And once again, I felt alone. But more than that: I felt like I deserved to be alone. I’d ignored those who loved me enough to tell me why this wasn’t good. I’d turned my back on the advice of family and friends. I’d asked them to embrace my choice, proclaiming that I knew best.
But I didn’t.
So I deserved to be alone. And hurt.
Or so I thought.
He’d taken me to see the movie “Autumn in New York”. I can’t begin to list the reasons why I love this movie. It’s by no means a classic. It didn’t win any awards. But it had me from the moment the first leaf fell in Central Park to Diana Krall’s “Let’s Fall in Love”. I had the CD soundtrack that I annoyed people with day after day after day. It was, for me, the perfect experience.
And then we broke up. And because I had not just memories but experiences associated with Autumn in New York, I could no longer listen to the music. I never wanted to see the movie. I could never think about someday going to New York.
I just couldn’t.
It pulled at me like sticky spaghetti strings. With any real force, the draw would be broken. I was thankful to live here in the desolate desert where I didn’t have to smell crisp autumn winds or see colored leaves. I could pretend the movie never existed. Because to admit that not only did it exist, but that I liked it, was to admit that I wasn’t perfect. That I longed for something I couldn’t, and shouldn’t, have. It was to admit that I’d failed with my family and friends. And that was the most painful loss of all.
This is the thinking pattern I held to for most major disappointments. I could no longer watch this, hear that, go here, eat there. All because it brought back bad memories. And pain. And shame.
Until eight years later. I just made a decision to change my way of thinking. This part puzzles me, because for all my experience-association, the only thing I remember about this moment is feeling empowered. I’d decided several things in that moment.
I’d decided I wasn’t going to hold on to bad memories. I would recognize them, but no longer let them hold me hostage.
I’d decided I was going to allow myself to remember without experiencing every moment.
I’d decided I wasn’t going to let the memory of a long-ago man dictate how I continued my life without him.
I’d decided it was time to stop avoiding old memories, and instead replace them with new ones.
I’d decided to order the DVD from Amazon.
The next four days were filled with a new excitement for me. It was almost a combination of meeting an old friend and going on a first date. I was finally allowing myself to be me. And to be happy about it.
When the DVD arrived, I wasn’t disappointed. I worried that I’d built it up in my head to be a wonderful theatrical production. It wasn’t. But I already knew that. It was just what I remembered it to be. And it felt good to remember.
Since that moment, I no longer run from my memories. I change them. I don’t let them haunt me and keep me subdued. I make new memories. This is still my town. This is where I live. Work. Love. And have family and the same friends.
I refuse to let an old memory take that from me.
The movie is no longer associated with that man. It’s associated with my love for New York. The restaurant we used to frequent is no longer associated with him. It’s associated with friends and great conversations and possibilities.
Life isn’t something to keep running away from or locked in a closet. It’s something to be treasured, exhibited, and put on display.
Life is something to be proud of. The weaknesses that let others be strong for us. Even the parts that make us stronger for ourselves.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
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Why I Don’t Go To Carnivals in October
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Mojo Movie Review of the Week: Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Feb 24, 2012 |
Dear Wilton’s,
I can’t thank you enough for the memories you’ve brought back to me and for the ones yet to come. When it comes to making me happy in the kitchen, you rule. Your highly recognized products are easy to use, inexpensive and yet durable, and I don’t have a hard time finding them in my local cake/craft stores.
You have decorated our food, our hearts, and our lives. Thank you.
I love you!
Sincerely,
Me
Just about a year ago I bought something I’d wanted for a very long time: a Wilton’s cake decorating kit. My mom reigned when we were kids. Everyone on the block was jealous ~ jealous, I say! ~ of the cakes we’d get on our birthdays. The flavors, the textures, the decorating and how it was the Main Attraction. We’d be booted out of the kitchen the day before the celebration and not let back in until the Grand Unveiling.
My two favorite cake memories are from my 7th and 8th birthdays. For one she’d made a sheet cake and covered it with shredded coconut that she’d colored green. Coconut is still a favorite of mine. On this were a small plastic house that was also a penny bank (complete with birthday penny inside!), and small plastic figurines of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I still have those figurines!
The other cake memory was another sheet cake that she’d piped yellow “bricks” on for my Wizard of Oz themed party. I had started collecting Wizard of Oz dolls. She borrowed the ones I had and incorporated my birthday gifts into the cake and table setting. I don’t remember which ones were new that year, but I do remember the set was finally complete; and yes, I still have those, too.
I had grand visions of creating amazing treats that would magically turn my home into a lovely talked-about-all-over-town bakery. Or at least, give my family something to talk about on a regular basis.
To inaugurate my own Kit, I invited my mom over and she, I, and Dot had a cupcake decorating party. What great fun! I made the cupcakes, mixed the icings, and we had fun! The decorating tips made for a variety of patterns and techniques that turned each cupcake into a work of art.
A short time ago, I stocked up on Wilton’s melting chocolates and more molds. I also added extras to my Kit. There’s such a variety, it was really hard to choose what shapes and colors I wanted. I was, well, like a kid in a candy store!
I’d had it in my mind to make treats like I’d seen on the television cooking shows. And today, I decided, was the day!
I started by making solid chocolate molds. It’s so easy! Wilton’s melting chocolates can be melted right in the store packaging. I chose to use one of the icing bags that came in my cake kit. Just put in some chocolate pieces, microwave for two minutes on 50% power, and mix. It’s that easy! Then I just cut the tip off the bag and gently filled the molds. How great are these?! After 15 minutes in the fridge, they’re ready to pop out and eat! (And can I just say, that if between the time of my writing and your reading there are no chocolates left in my house, it’s not my fault. I’m just a taste-tester, making sure of the accuracy of my writing!)
Then I tried my hand at making chocolate shells. I filled the molds only halfway and used a baking brush to pull it up on the edges. This will take more practice. More, delicious, practice. Darn.
While the molded chocolates were chilling in the fridge, I started the ganache. This, too, was far easier than anticipated. A simple 1-to-1 ratio of chocolate and heavy whipping cream. Once the chocolate was melted in the double boiler over simmering water, I added the cream and blended until smooth.
Then I put one cup of the mix into a smaller container and added finely chopped peanuts. I let the large pan chill in the fridge for several hours. I chilled the smaller cup for half an hour and poured some into a molding tray and some into the chocolate shells.
I’ve never made chocolate candies before, and I can honestly say the variety of Wilton’s products, and the easy directions, make me wonder why it took me this long. The creaminess of the chocolates are utterly melt-in-your-mouth delicious. The molds are so fun. There are cups, stars, hearts, shallow buttons, animals. Anything you can think of! And the accessories for cake decorating are just as vast: food coloring, decorating tips, fondant product, idea books.
With Wilton’s in the kitchen, there’s no wrong way to make a treat.
Dot has already asked if we can make more this weekend. I’m so happy I could cry! Hey, you know what’s good for that?… CHOCOLATE!
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
*This post is in no way sponsored or endorsed by Wilton’s. The opinions expressed are my own.*
Apr 12, 2011 |
by Molly Jo Realy @MollyJoRealy
[Originally published on blogspot on Saturday, April 2, 2011]
1. When a guy hangs up on you, it’s okay to never call him back.
2. Don’t spill your guts on the first date, or in the first month, or even the first six months. Guard your heart!
3. People put tons of research into buying a new house, getting a new job, even seeing a movie. Why don’t they do that with PSO’s (Potential Significant Other)?!
4. “Christian” means different things to different people. Speak up!
5. Don’t let bad memories scare you away from new experiences. Go to that same old place, and make new ones!
6. When in doubt, talk it out.
7. Men…. are strange creatures who will never be fully understood by women. Stop trying!
8. Nobody’s perfect. Ever. Once in a while, you may have a perfect moment. You may even be perfect together once in a while. But nobody’s perfect. Stop expecting that, especially of yourself.
9. Once in a while, it’s okay to SHUT UP and listen. Just listen. Don’t process, don’t analyze, don’t fix… just listen. Pay attention. But don’t act.
10. Be honest, but for goodness’ sakes, don’t be brutal! There are some things that just don’t need telling… even if you want to “clear the air”…
11. He is not Norman Bates, and I am not Mother Theresa. Ever.
12. If you don’t care if your family and friends like him… keep looking. You’re just kidding yourself if you think their opinions don’t matter.
13. The clothes DO make the man. I prefer mine to NOT have “tattoo sleeves”, thankyouverymuch.
14. Stop crying. Move on. Get stronger. Find someone better.
15. It’s okay to not be okay… sometimes. It’s okay to be a little weak, and let him be a little strong.
16. Don’t expect him to always be strong. That’s like him expecting you to always be June Cleaver.
17. Listen to music. Lots of it. Find the lyrics that fit you. Sing them to yourself. Often. Find strength and comfort in your own voice.
18. Share. Share your ice cream. Share his umbrella. Share the food bill. Share your joys. Share the blame. Share your life. Share.
19. If he’s not good for you now, don’t think he’ll ever change. He wants you to think that so you’ll stick around. You’re better off being single and able to hold your head up high, than to be with him and under his feet.
20. Never stop learning. Never. About each other. About the world. About yourself. Never, ever stop. Ever.
21. Always believe in yourself, and what you know is right. Don’t compromise that. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Love is give-and-take, that doesn’t mean full-on alterations.
22. Be good to yourself. It’s okay to buy yourself jewelry now and then. It’s okay to go out alone. It’s okay to smile at strangers.
23. Don’t forget to breathe. Regularly.
And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!
