I’m Afraid of My Own Success

I’m afraid of my own success. What if achieving my dreams means changing everything I know about my life?

I am my own worst enemy. I love stability of structure and I’m not one to shed the security blanket easily.

But often, blank pages hold just as much accusations as they do promise.

Blank Pages are the World's Canvas

Blank Pages are the World’s Canvas

I play the “What If” game too often because, in the past, the “What If’s” happened. The bad ones. The oh-my-God-this-could-only-happen-to-me and the I’m-one-in-a-million-and-not-in-a-good-way ones. The I’m-being-sabotaged-and-no-one-will-stand-up-for-me ones. The life-will-never-be-the-same-again ones.

And I really love stability.

So when anything comes along that can upset the apple cart, I get nervous.

I’ve had to learn to recognize my anxiety triggers. I know to avoid too much coffee on those high-adrenaline days. I have a “smart shopping” checklist on my iPhone for those necessary eat-out-but-not-fast-food days. The older I get, the better I am at listening to my body. My emotions may want chocolate ganache, but my bloodstream craves caffeine-free Gatorade.

Better sleep + better foods = better emotions.

So the anxiety doesn’t get to me like it used to. Of course, there are certain elements that are no longer around. That helps, too. You know what I’m talking about: those button-pusher people who are as good at backstabbing as they are at infiltrating. Those situations that belong on a soap opera and not in my life. I’ve been lucky to distance myself from the hurts and the hurtful. But their shadows remain.

I’ve had to retrain myself to not be afraid, the way others wanted to keep me afraid. Of sharing myself. Of living authentically. Of being the Me I’m supposed to be. Their false condemnations that who I was wasn’t good enough, would never be good enough. That I had deep, dark secrets to be spilled instead of forgiveness to be shared.

But now I know.

I’m better than that.

I’m better than what they said.

I’m better.

But I’m still afraid.

I’m still okay with the bad “What If’s”. The ones I can’t control.

But . . .

What if I am successful? What if I achieve everything I know I’m meant to do?

What if I conquer it all . . .

And I win?

The last few years were so hard. You’ve heard my poverty stories before. I know I’m not unique. I know there are many more people out there fighting just like me to save their homes and feed their families and do a thousand dollars worth of repairs on a nickel budget. People who don’t have the resources that I have, people who don’t have other people to come alongside them and cheer them on or pull them back on to the path.

And I’m not trying to complain. But my life is such a dichotomy between the dregs of the economy and the elation of my soaring words.

I don’t want to be stuck here any more. I don’t want to whine and complain and worry and cry.

But I do.

Yet, I see my way out. I see the path that I’ve laid, and I see where it’s going.

I no longer put the word “aspiring” before “writer” when I tell people what I do. I am a writer. I am a good writer. The rest of the world will soon discover how great a writer I am.

Desk and chair set with old typewriter

My “new” workspace ~ a real desk!

In the last two months, just eight short weeks, my writing universe has grown by leaps and bounds. I have my desk. I’ve met some wonderful people who are turning out to be great connections. I saw the need for a position with my writers club and asked to create it. [The result was a resounding yes: I’m now the official Social Media Manager for the California Writers Club, High Desert Branch, come join the fun on Facebook.] All four books are progressing fast. I might soon have The Unemployment Cookbook on local bookstore shelves. My critique group is essential to me in a craft capacity, and a fellowship.

All these are the beginnings of what I have always prayed for, always held my breath and crossed my fingers for. All these are essential to me being Me.

To be able to put food on the table and gas in the car and pay the bills on time and stop these damned collection calls and not “borrow” money that everyone knows until I win the lottery I will never be able to pay it back.

And that scares me, too. It scares me because it’s possible financial stability is on the five-year horizon. If I don’t need my family, my mommy and brothers, any more, will they still need me?

If Megan and I obtain all we’re reaching for, do I have to give up being home every night with Dot and our FurFamily?

If I don’t have to worry about tomorrow as much as I currently do, what will I do with that happiness?

I don’t want to be arrogant or a celebrity. I just want to be the best writer I can possibly be. I want to share my stories with the world. And yes, I would like to know that my stories make a difference.

And make money. Let’s be real. This is how I want to pay my bills. This is how I long to provide for my family.

For my family.

Molly Jo and Dot

MoJo & Dot

And so I write my stories. My poems. My blogs. My thoughts and suspicions and dreams and nightmares. And I share them. And I collect them for future publication. And I keep on writing it out. Because I can’t be the only one who thinks like this, right? I can’t be the only one who feels so incomplete and so uplifted at the same time . . . right?

This is my calling. To be the best writer I know how to be. To tell the world about life in a way that can only be told by me.

But I’m not there yet. I’m still taking the journey. And at times it’s dark and twisty and scary. My heart pounds inside my chest and I can’t catch my breath.

What If I’m wrong? What If my path is a dead-end? What If those shadows are still waiting to sabotage me? What If I lose the house before I earn enough to save it? What If more bad than good happens?

Can I keep going on?

Yes.

So I let my light shine. From inside. Whatever light I have, I broadcast it.

Sometimes it’s a candle. Sometimes it’s the sun.

The end of the path will never be a reality. I’m thankful for that. With each step taken, there’s another step to take.

While I’m still here, still bringing with me the pains of the past, still glimpsing an uncertain future, I do know this: I have something to say.

And I can say it well.

I just need the rest of the world to listen.

As I sit here drafting this post, trying not to complain, trying to look for the light and not worry about tomorrow or the distractions it brings, my friend Janice posted this on her Facebook profile:

“Strength & resilience emerge by your own will to become a better person, no matter what downfalls happen in your life… be your own hero.”

Thanks, Janice. You are, as always, the right person at the right time.

How do you like them apples?!

How Do You Like Them Apples?!

How Do You Like Them Apples?!

“Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.” [Luke 12:22-23, NIV]

And Frankly, My Dear . . . that’s all she wrote!

You may also enjoy reading:
Apples
Poverty: My Story
I am Defined. And I am a Mystery.

This post is linked up with Shell at Things I Can’t Say. Because sometimes, we just can’t.

Sweeten my tea and share:

Sing!

I discovered something about myself a few weeks ago.

Halfway between Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that went with it, I decided to do what I haven’t done for a very long time.

I cranked up the radio and I sang along. Loudly.

It. Felt. Great.

There’s something about belting out a strong ballad or headbanging to a heavy bass that really makes me feel better. It’s soothing, aerobic, invigorating, inspirational, magical.

For me, singing is better than dancing or driving or exercise. And I love doing all those things! (Okay, not so much the exercise thingy.) It goes along with those things, sure. But singing is now second on my list of Ways to Feel Better. And isn’t this my year of being better? Of course it is!

So I’m singing my way through 2014.

When I began singing again a few weeks ago I was in my car. I used to crank it up and sing so loud! I haven’t done that in forever. I just listened. No more! I’ve decided to start participating again. To get my voice out there. Even if it’s just for me in my car or in my kitchen.

I began singing my recipes instead of just reading them. I have my alarm set to wake up to a song, not a beep.

Something wonderful happens when people sing.

The world stops. For just a moment. The world stops, and listens, and the singer smiles.

And people feel better.

There is no greater language than music.

And so today, I added a few more songs to My Soundtrack.

  • Unwritten (Natasha Bedingfield). I love the lyrics: we’re all a blank page. It’s up to us to decide what others read from our lives.
  • What the World Needs Now (Jackie DeShannon). I love this version from the soundtrack of My Best Friend’s Wedding. I also love the song. I believe the greatest thing in the world is love, and true love is incredibly powerful.
  • Woman in Love (Barbra Streisand). I’ve always loved the Bee Gees. Even in the in-between time from when they were awesome to when they weren’t to when they were again. I have always loved the Bee Gees. The album, Guilty, written for Streisand, is a treasure trove of wonderful music. This is a great song to belt out.
  • I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing (The New Seekers). Okay, now who isn’t thinking of a Coke commercial right now, am I right? If I could give the world anything, it would be the ability to write it out and sing it out. Both are beautiful forms of communication.

Now I’m scouring my music collection for some rockin’ tunes as well. Maybe I’ll even through in another country hit. Johnny Cash, anyone?

I’m singing my way through 2014.

What music are you singing along with?

And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!

Sweeten my tea and share:

2014: BETTER.

BETTER! 2014: January 1: do. be. dream. feel. live. BETTER.

BETTER! 2014

Let’s be real: 2013 was a heart breaker, wasn’t it?

Everyone ~ and I mean everyone ~ has a story of hardship within the last 365 days. At the same time, everyone is looking forward to the New Year.

There’s always a sense of fresh. New. Hope. Promise. Something Good.

Am I right? As you’re reading this, aren’t you nodding and mentally going over your resolutions and new to-do’s? Don’t you feel like whatever happened in 2013, today begins the chance to change? A completely blank slate, to shape it however you want it to be.

Sitting around acting like the world is not going to help you, is not going to help you. Get up and do something.

Sitting Around

Yeah. Me, too.

The last two years I started the New Year with a theme. Two years ago I dared to be an awesome orange. Last year I set boundaries.

Today, I’m starting to be better.

Day Planner. January 1, 2014. Do. Be. Dream. Live. Feel. BETTER.

2014: BETTER.

I have a brain bucket full of resolutions and ideas and goals and insights and dreams and warnings and… you get the picture.

I wrote out began my list. Things I want to accomplish/achieve/acquire in 2014:

  • Get back to meal planning.
  • Read a heck of a lot more.
  • Do the Popover Project that I never did last year.
  • Finish the interior improvements at Bedford Manor.
  • Write. Write. Oh, and write.
  • More Mother-Daughter Dates with my daughter.
  • More Mother-Daughter Dates with my mother.
  • Reach out of my comfort zone more. To people. To locations. To experiences.
  • Create new recipes. And lots of them.
  • Spend more time in my kitchen creating, less time cleaning.
  • Redo the outdoor sprinkler system.
  • Buy a reciprocal saw.
  • Plant an olive tree.
  • Craft more.
  • Plant rose bushes.
  • Buy fence slats.
  • Buy many mason jars. In many sizes. For many reasons.
  • Visit the Midwest.
  • Get a passport.
  • Visit Canada.
  • Keep money in my savings account.

And so much more.

And as I looked at my incomplete list, I began to feel… overwhelmed.

This is the part where I channeled my mother’s mantra: “Simplify!” And, in case I didn’t hear her the first ten guzillion times: SIMPLIFY! (Stop yelling, Mom. I get it!)

My list is too long. It’s too exhausting. And honestly, too stressful. I can’t possibly achieve everything on that list.

And I’m not really sure I want to.

Sure, it looks good to put out there all these great goals. Oh, look at Molly’s Resolutions. This Girl’s got gumption! She’s a go-getter for sure! Okay. Quit laughing.

So this year, it’s not about New.

It’s about BETTER.

Taking what I already have, and working with it. Doing more, not different. Fixing, not forgetting. Stop adding to my plate and just enjoy what’s already there.

My goals for 2014 are the same no matter what day of the year it is: Be Better.

Do.
Be.
Dream.
Feel.
Live.

BETTER.

I’ll continue with the meal planning and the budgeting and the home improvements and the writing. Those are not new. If I gain a reciprocal saw and a passport, I’ll be happy. But if I don’t, the world doesn’t end.

I’ll make my life better because I’ll be better for the people in my life. I’ll surround myself with people who get it, who get me. Who encourage me and strengthen me and love me and support me. I’ll reach out more when I need them. And I’ll reach out to them when they’re not reaching out to me. I’ll make girl dates with Pam and Megan and Lisa and Nancy and let them know how they affect me and challenge me to be better.

I’ll let my family know I’m proud of them. For all they do. I’ll make the efforts to let them know I love them. No matter what. Just because they are who they are. And that’s good enough for me. They are always striving to be better, and I appreciate each and every one of them. All the time. And I’ll be better at telling them so.

Reading is something I do but not enough. Two years ago, I challenged myself to read a book every ten days. What was I thinking? In 2014, my goal is 12 books. Total. That’s right. Just one book each month. If I read more than that I’ll count it as a bonus. 12 books in one year is 10 more than I’ve read since last Christmas.

I’ll work on my current writing projects without starting new ones. I’ll finish NOLA and Amara’s Light and Broken Girl. I’ll record episodes of Five Minute Faith. I’ll do whatever I can to be the Writer I say I am.

I’m going to be a better version of myself and make my world a better place.

Not new. Not different.

But fresh. Hopeful. Good.

And definitely

BETTER.

Do Something. Because something is better than nothing.

Do Something

What’s your word for 2014?

And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!

You may also enjoy reading:
Following Fabian
You can’t see where you’re going if you’re always looking behind.
The Friday Five – STORIES
Amara’s Light: Book One of the Grenalia Chronicles
Doing Something. Good.

Sweeten my tea and share:

My Own NaNoWriMo in April

Sixteen months ago, I participated in NaNoWriMo, short for National Novel Writing Month. It’s a simple, fun community way to keep on track with writing. You can plot, plan, scheme for months at a time, but whatever you actually write for your book has to be written within that month of November.

Being the writer that I am and always trying to kill myself with too many To-Do’s  striving for better writing accomplishments, I signed on in 2010 and yes, I actually wrote over 50,000 words in 30 days. It was not my finest work, but it did teach me about discipline.

So now that I’m promoting myself as a business owner slash writer slash publisher, I’m thinking it’s time to kick it into high gear again. Blogging doesn’t pay the bills, but publications might. And Megan’s waited long enough for me to stop tweaking the Prologue and Chapter One, and just move on. She’s got scenes in her head that I can’t wait to get to…

So why am I waiting?

This decision has slowly crept up on me over the last few days, but now I know there’s no getting around it.

I’m committing to writing 50,000 words in April. My own NaNoWriMo.

On top of blogging every day.
On top of running New Inklings Press.
On top of completing my assignments for the Institute of Children’s Literature.

The funny thing is, I don’t feel overloaded. I feel directed. I feel organized.

I feel ready.

Ready to write an average of 1,650 words a day.
Ready to move on with the characters, settings, plots, and drama.
Ready to give Megan something to be proud about.

Ready to really work on doing what it is we were born to do.

I’m ready to Write It Out.

And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!

Sweeten my tea and share:

A Work in Progress

It’s 10:30 p.m. and I just now realized I don’t have a post ready for tomorrow.

Well, what can I say? I’ve been busy today.

I played the Wii.
I ate birthday cake.
I snuggled with my cat.
I spent a lot of back-and-forth with my graphic designer for the new company logo.
I watched some TV.
I ate pizza.
I fed the birds.

And I had a friend do a drive-by hugging.

Dot cleaned the house in such a wonderful fashion. She really did herself in. Because now I know she’s totally capable of this kind of cleaning. *Insert evil-Mom laugh here.*

And I planned my grocery list. For my dehydrator. I’ll start with apples and bananas. And grapes. Then move onto tomatoes and beef jerky. And once spring truly arrives, I’ll play with herbs. I might even try some potatoes.

I’ve crossed a lot off my To-Do List lately; but I’ve also added to it. It seems that’s always the case. Just when I think I’m done, there’s another task. Even when I’m close to finishing a project, I find a reason to not quite get there. It’s a little infuriating.

But this year, so far (and it’s only March!!), I’ve been doing better at finishing what I start. Little by little, I’m learning what it feels like to set more than one goal, and take it one step at a time; and cross that finish line one foot in front of the other.

I’m also learning that there are many different ways to reach goals. And success has many definitions.

I figure as long as I’m breathing, and learning, and living, I’m doing okay.

And Frankly, My Dear… that’s all she wrote!

Sweeten my tea and share: